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I Choose to L.I.V.E.

to do. My emotional capacity had been depleted, and I was no longer able to substitute the emptiness. The increase in amount of time that I had begun to spend alone caused me to question my beliefs. I said to God, “Now this too, but why?” and never heard an answer.

The combination of the resurrected shame of being molested and heartache from my failed relationship was such an emotional disaster for me. I would think about all that I had overcome and all that I had achieved up to that point, but my thoughts and feelings kept leading me toward defeat. Thus, the question, “Why me?” became the primary focus of my life at that time. My mind became inundated with thoughts of failure, and I could not make sense of the situation.

I was the leader of the mime ministry at my church, but I had lost both my faith and my praise. Shamefully, I did not know how to tell the other members of my ministry that I had given up on God and did not want to mime anymore. I had stopped believing in the Word of God and had no desire to worship Him at all. I did not feel comfortable with ministering the gospel that I had decided was false. As a result, I would find reasons to cancel our rehearsals and would delay our schedule to minister at church. I was convinced that God had completely abandoned me and that His presence was no longer in my life.

Each week, I would sit alone drowning in depression in my hotel room. The mere thought of food made me sick so my diet consisted of sleeping pills and wine, with occasional coffee or tea at work. Everything in me, on me, and about me was hurting so I just wanted to be numb or sleep. I never consciously attempted or planned to end my own life, but I would often think, “What if I do not wake up tomorrow morning and this is the last time that I close my eyes?” Honestly, I would not ponder that thought very long because I wanted to consume my sleeping pill and wine as soon as possible. I was in such a rush to not feel any pain that allowing my mind to contemplate anything else would have been too much time being wasted. Beyond that, I also did not consider the price of my addiction because my immediate relief was far more important to me at that time. Ultimately, my emotional paralysis became my place of refuge and comfort instead of God.