Читать книгу Nasty people - Shelley A Dewar - Страница 10

In my own personal opinion, a lot of our sexual desires begin at a very early age but intensify as a teenager, normally because our hormones are going wild. This can lead to confusion because while we are going through this period, we don’t know what we want or who we want but don’t despair: you are not abnormal or alone. The ones who do feel that they belong with same sex partners can often accept their homosexuality virtually straight away but sad for those who don’t or can’t. These are the ones that try to live in a heterosexual relationship, only because they can’t accept it or due to the ridicule they may receive. Some even think that marrying someone will change the way they feel but in most cases, it won’t. This can be disastrous! There are also people living in a heterosexual relationship that have experimented with the same sex but would still deny themselves as being homosexual or even bisexual. They are straight as far as they are concerned and I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that one and this in no way makes sense to me!

As far as I am concerned, if you jump the fence for a bit off slap and tickle from the same sex, you are bisexual! Some just stay in the fantasy mode and never pursue their naughty thoughts.

I also find people who judge homosexuals to be very ignorant and sometimes I tend to think that maybe it’s they who have the problem and should maybe take a look at their own sexual desires. I don’t know how many so called straight people I have come across that have admitted they would like to experiment with a same sex partner but don’t have the guts or are not in a position to go ahead with it and maybe that’s why they judge who can. Who fucking knows why some people judge and some don’t? Not my problem!

As far as I am concerned, we are human and have a right to be on this planet just like anyone else. I had to explain this to a friend of mine once who was in total denial about homosexuals and he hated even the thought of them.

He would often come up to the coffee shop I worked at and out of the blue sometimes would bag homosexuals like they were the scum of the earth. He would then tell me he could understand women loving each other but it nearly made him sick when he thought about men and that it wasn’t natural.

I told him what is natural to some, might not be for others and that you just have to accept it because it’s going to be around for a long time yet. The funny thing was, after all the years we had known each other, he never realised or even suspected I was gay.

Thank God I never told him because of the way he thought. What would he have thought of me? Then one day he came up and told me he had heard I was gay and that he was rather surprised. He told me because he had known me as a person before he found out, he was okay with it. I thought, “Stiff bickies if it wasn’t okay!”

It wasn’t long after I had told him when my fortieth birthday was just around the corner and I asked him if he would like to come and I was so surprised when he accepted.

At the end of the night he came up to me and told me that I had some of the nicest gay friends ever, and it had opened his eyes up to a whole new world. This was a classic undeserving judgement.

There was also one other incident at the same coffee shop. One of my older customers who didn’t know I was gay was having a debate about homosexuals with me and how he couldn’t grasp it at all. Straight away I got my back up and asked him what was so wrong with it. With his faced screwed up, he told me that it wasn’t natural for men to have anal sex. I then asked him about heterosexual men that had anal sex with women and asked him if he thought that was normal?

He just looked at me and must have thought, “What is she going on about?” Because of the look on his face, I then gave it to him and told him that it was also a homosexual act and it was in no way different to what gay men do. At first he couldn’t answer me, but when he thought about it, he told me I was right. Too right I was!

As far as I am concerned, you shouldn’t judge what you don’t acknowledge or understand.

Naive people, especially parents when confronted with the issues of homosexuality, often blame their parenting skills and question themselves: Did I cause my child to become gay? Did I do something wrong?

The simple answer to that is, No! In my opinion, letting boys play with dolls, walk around in their mother’s heels or trying on make-up does not make them gay. Girls climbing trees and wearing baseball hats does not make them lesbians. It’s what you call exploring and finding out who they are and no human or parent should ever stop allowing them to do this because of phobias.

It is ridiculous to think a parenting style will determine a child’s sexual preference. Let’s face it; the majority of gay people are raised by straight parents! It just doesn’t happen like that, and if it did, we would all be gay. On the other hand, how many gay couples including myself have or are still parenting children? Are these children going to end up gay because we are? I can tell you not many will so you can throw the parenting scenario out the door. Most of these children are very well adjusted and live like normal heterosexuals so influence is also out the door!

Sexual orientation is complex. I believe that genetics is the main factor but bad childhood experiences can also influence our thoughts and direction in determining whether one ends up gay or straight. I know that at a very early age I was always attracted to women but why me and not my siblings, unless they are all in the closet? I doubt that very much though. So my question is, how can it be my Mum’s fault, or a parent’s fault? I came from the same batch and was brought up the same way!

I know I had always been a tomboy and liked girls as far back as I can remember but I was young and that didn’t necessarily mean I was going to end up gay, but I did. I think when my father left it affected me so much that I found the only person left as a role model, was my Mum. She was the one who gave me comfort and security and maybe that’s what I sought all my life: a woman’s caring nature. This however, confused me in many ways. One would think I should have been looking for comfort from a male, but why wasn’t I and

it took me years to realise why. The violence and molestation I experienced throughout the years had caused me to despise men and I couldn’t help think that the only purpose they had on earth, was to abuse women in every form. Did I like thinking this way? No I didn’t!

I still felt disillusioned, and as time went on, I was becoming more and more aggressive in myself. I could never work out why and knew I needed to do something about it, but I never did at the time because I was stubborn.

It wasn’t until many years later; I had no choice but to seek counselling because I realised all these things had contributed to my sexual preference, not to mention my anger which came from not feeling worthy. It took me a long time to feel more accepting within myself as a gay person, but why do I still find straight people to have a problem with it? This confuses and frustrates me.

That’s why I admire homosexuals I know personally because they are honest about who they are and are not afraid to express their love for one another.

I have learned that at the end of the day, we all wish to live a happy and normal life. By a normal life, I mean family and friends and even outsiders that don’t judge but accept you as a human being. We should be able to express ourselves without being ridiculed and that should be the same principle for all of us.

We only live one life, so be honest with yourself and those you love. They have a right to know who you really are and it doesn’t matter if they don’t agree with your decision and even though there maybe consequences sometimes, being truthful is what matters! It makes for a better life!