Читать книгу Nasty people - Shelley A Dewar - Страница 19

Brian is one of my cousins and he lived with us for a big part of his life so we virtually grew up together and I could proudly say we were once close, but not now. He is a couple of years older than me and stands around 5’11 with a solid physique and an olive complexion, hazel coloured eyes and short brown hair. He is married with three children but I don’t see him or his family at all anymore because of the way he has treated me. Brian has always been a complex person with having old fashion values, where women are concerned. Even though we don’t talk, a leopard never changes its spots and I know his definitely won’t. You can’t change someone who has a strong, opinionated and boisterous personality. These traits of his never made it easy for one to be around him, especially if you were having a dispute over something. You could never win because he just overpowered and bullied you with his loud obnoxious voice and calling you for everything and it would then turn into a nasty situation. At the end of the day, people couldn’t say what they felt because he was too busy yelling to listen to you. It wasn’t worth putting yourself through the torment of it all so you would just tell him to get fucked, get in your car and drive away. Even my immediate family reckons he is a bully but none of them would tell him this of course. I actually feel pity and sadness for him not being able to let go of the past which has caused so much anger in him. It must be a terrible feeling, living life that way.

I have had two major disputes with Brian over the years and both resulting in violence. I want to tell you about these incidents as I think it had a significant part to play in my feelings toward men and maybe helped toward my choice of destiny a bit easier.

The first incident was when I was just twelve years old. I went with him and his girlfriend at the time, my older sister and a few of their friends to an island called Rottnest: just twelve kilometres off the coast of Perth, Western Australia. It all started when we were sitting around on the lawn and for some reason out of the blue, my older sister called Brian’s girlfriend a slut. He just looked at her in disbelief and told her to shut her mouth and she knew that if she didn’t, he would get angry so she never said it again but me, I couldn’t help myself and just to piss him off even more I said, “Well she is a slut.” He then told me to shut up but again I couldn’t help myself and I continued with the name calling. By this time I could tell he was getting really angry but for some reason, I persisted. Wrong thing to do, because he then got up and started yelling over the top of me as I sat there looking up at him, but I didn’t back down. I thought, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I wasn’t putting up with his shit so I went to stand up to mouth back at him but before I could, he was already out of control and pushed me back to the ground. He then started kicking me like I was a worthless piece of shit! I started screaming at him to leave me alone but he had gone beyond the point of no return and the kicks were coming harder and faster. He had lost it big time!(It takes me back to when Paul was kicking my Mum on the ground).It wasn’t until I could hardly breath through exhaustion that my sister and one of his friends started yelling at him to leave me alone. When he did finally stop, I just lay there in a foetal position crying and wondering how my own cousin could do this to me, regardless of how angry I had made him. I also wondered why any of his friends didn’t try to stop him sooner but I later understood that they were afraid of him too. It made me realise then, that he was nothing but a bully and I hated him. It turned out my sister and I was right about one thing though and that his girlfriend was a slut. It turned out that while Brian and she were together, she had also been sleeping with his best friend James. She eventually married James and they are still together to this day. Maybe Brian should have listened to us back then!

Ironically, James was once my older sister’s boyfriend and when they split up, I ended up being his next target of affection regardless that I was only twelve at the time. (This is not something I am proud to admit and I feel rather disgusted but it happened) It was when one night my father took Brian, James and myself to the drive-in movies. Brian sat in the front with my Dad whilst I had to sit in the back of the car with James. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary until the trip home. I was just sitting there and all of a sudden I felt James’s’ foot slide in between my legs and started caressing me with it. I looked at him and smiled so he then knew I was all right with what he was doing and this turned him on even more so. When we arrived home at my place, Brian decided he was going to go stay at my Dad’s place for the night so that meant James would have to look after me until my Mum got home. Look after me was right! When they left, he and I sat on the sofa and talked for a while but then he got up and went over and turned the light off. I asked him why he turned the light off and on his way back to the sofa; he told me it was too bright. I thought, “You are full of shit, I know exactly what you are up to!” He certainly didn’t waste any time and within minutes he had my pants down and was having his way with me, so to speak. At first I didn’t really know how to respond to what was happening. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I was actually feeling dirty and disgusted in what I was doing, but I craved for that attention and acceptance I never got from my Dad so in a peculiar way, I accepted what was happening and even though it hurt like shit, it still felt good having a male actually wanting and needing me. Well that’s what I thought at the time anyway. Being used was more like it. Looking back on it now, I think my God, “What in hell was I thinking?” I was only bloody twelve and at sixteen and being so close to the family, he should have known better. How could have he taken advantage of a person so young and especially being Brian’s best friend. This could have had major consequences if it ever got out. Jail would have been one of them and I dare not think of others.

Getting back to Brian now, it was my Mum’s sixtieth birthday so my family and I decided to give her a surprise party at my home. Everything we had organised had gone to plan and yes, she was very surprised. When Brian and his wife arrived, I could tell straight away he wasn’t in the best of moods and I had this terrible feeling he was going to cause some sort of trouble but I ignored it and carried on. As the night went on, things seemed to be going smoothly and accordingly to plan. A lot were dancing and you could hear a lot of laughter going on so everyone was in good spirits and having a good time, or so I thought. There’s seems to always be one who spoils it and this night it was Brian, who just couldn’t help himself. He started bitching and complaining and then came his ridiculous fucking demands.

First of all, I don’t take to people who dictate to me. You want something then one can ask me nicely but no, not him. He blatantly told me to turn the volume down on the stereo system and straight away this got my back up so I said, “No, this is my house and don’t to tell me what to do in it. If you don’t like the volume level, you can move away from the stereo.” I then told him that no one else was complaining and that everyone was quite happy with the volume level and enjoying themselves dancing and so forth but he didn’t care. Well the look of contempt on his face was priceless with what I had just said to him, but now I didn’t care, even though I knew he never liked it when someone stood up to him, especially a female. I just told him to fuck off and walked away from him. After saying that to him, he obviously realized I wasn’t going to put up with his shit so he then turned his aggression and stupid demands in someone else’s direction, this being my older sister’s. He went up to her and told her to bring the birthday cake out early because he wanted to go home. I overheard this and thought, “He just doesn’t fucking listen or learn from telling people what to do, so fuck him.” I then walked over and told him the cake would come out when we were ready, not when he was! He realized by the tone in my voice I was getting pissed off with him, so he backed off and sat down. After that, I was looking over at him and it was clear he was stewing and becoming more agro and it was now becoming very uncomfortable, because he was just sitting there staring at people and hardly spoke a word to anyone. In the meantime his wife who was throwing the booze back like there was no tomorrow, decided she wanted a dance with Gary who is one of our family friends. She went over to where he was sitting, grabbed his hand and was trying to pull him out of his chair but he was resisting and because she wasn’t giving in and to save both of them embarrassment, Gary looked over at Brian and asked him if he minded him dancing with her and Brian told him to go ahead. So up they went and whilst they were dancing, she was flirting with Gary so much, he didn’t know what to do or which way to look and it was getting a little embarrassing for him because she was going overboard with it. The glare from Brian’s eyes was saying it all that he didn’t like what he was seeing so then in a nice way, Gary tried to push her away but the more he did this, the more she persisted. This couldn’t have been a good look from Brian’s perspective; watching his wife flirting with another man. When the song finished, it was Gary’s lucky break and he couldn’t get away from her quick enough. After that, he went and sat down and mingled with the other guests. He never did get back up and dance. Wonder why?

Then a really good song came on so I went over and started dancing with her. Her flirting continued with me and I just joined in and thought it to be just good harmless fun. This meant nothing to either of us and it definitely wasn’t sexual flirting in our eyes. This was how we always danced together and it was just how we expressed ourselves to the music. Neither of us ever thought that this would cause any problems but when we both looked over at Brian, we knew by the look on his face, he wasn’t happy. I mean come on, why? Was it because he was getting jealous of us now? For goodness sake we were only having a bit of fun but I don’t think he saw it that way. Obviously his manhood was being threatened, watching his wife flirting at first with another man, and now a woman. Too bad! He had the choice at first to dance with her but he chose to sit there and be miserable, expecting her and everyone else to do the same. As the night wore on, Brian obviously couldn’t handle any more of his wife’s behaviour and told her he was going home. As he got up to leave, I went over to him and asked him what was wrong and asked why he was leaving. He said virtually yelling at me, “There’s nothing fucking wrong and just leave me the fuck alone!” He then stormed off toward his car in a raging mood, and with his wife being so worried, went to follow him, but because she was so drunk, I told her I would go instead. I also wanted to find out what the matter was with him and being my cousin, I thought I could talk to him but I was totally wrong! When I got to his car, his door was open and he was just about to get in it, but before he did, I asked him once again what was wrong. Then without warning, he grabbed me with one of his hands so tightly around my throat and with his other hand, he grabbed one of my arms and then pinned me down on the boot of the car and I couldn’t move an inch! He then leaned over the top of me and looked me in the eyes with this fury I had never seen in him and I will never forget what he said next. His exact words were, “If you were male, I would snap your neck right now you fucking bitch!” I didn’t say a word mainly because I was in shock and I knew if I had fought against him, he probably would have lost it completely. In the meantime, my older sister’s husband Sean, who is quite a big man, had cautiously walked outside to see what was happening. When he got to the car he just stood there and looked at the situation and never said a word. If I knew he was there then Brian knew he was there too and this probably made the world of difference. At first I couldn’t understand why he didn’t pull Brian off and beat the hell out of him but then it dawned on me. Sean had been in many situations like this before and he didn’t want to provoke Brian and make him worse. Preventing the situation from escalating, Sean did the smart thing and handled it with caution so with calming words from both of us Brian eventually let me go and regained some sort of self-control. I knew from my past experience with him, don’t ever push him, otherwise he would have become even more violent and I reckon he would have killed me that night if Sean wasn’t there.

Now that I was free of him I then walked over to stand near Sean and Thought, “This is my chance!” I got a bit of what they call Dutch courage and I couldn’t help myself. I yelled at Brian telling him exactly what I thought of him and it got to the stage where we were both screaming and yelling at one another and the words were not exactly nice, especially from his mouth! He told me I was nothing but a sick dyke and that I needed therapy. What the fuck! Why? It then occurred to me why he could be angry with me. Was it because I was open and honest about my sexuality and I didn’t care what others thought? Some live in the closet and some don’t! I did however find out later one of the reasons. (There are two but one will do) One being, in his mind, he thought I was having an affair with his wife. Are you serious?

I found these thoughts to be an absolutely disgusting and sickening not to mention disturbing. Not that I didn’t find his wife attractive, she was, but I just couldn’t look at her in that way because she was family and I have morals. There are a lot of women in the world who find other women attractive but not always in a sexual way. Personally, I have found many women attractive but there are limitations and boundaries, end of story. After that night I had no choice and knowing he would never change, I decided to cut all ties with Brian. As far as I was concerned, his life would always keep consisting of ignorance and arrogance toward others and I chose not be a part of that. Even though he doesn’t know this, his behaviour destroyed a lot of my faith in men as human beings. I know now, there are still a few good ones out there and that not all men are tarred with the same brush as him.

I have many male friends who are not violent and are happy people within themselves and a joy to be with.

To those who have hurt you in the past and made you bitter; I hope you learn the art of forgiveness and find peace one day Brian, like I have.