Читать книгу Nasty people - Shelley A Dewar - Страница 16

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I loved you. I only wish while in my primary years I could have seen you more, however; that did change in my late teens. Together we would tinker around with our cars and with me dressed in your pair of work overalls always made me feel so close to you. This went on well in to my thirties but because I became so preoccupied with my own life, our relationship became distant. We would really only see each other on special occasions and only sometimes when either of us made the time. We did however talk on the phone quite a bit and I miss our conversations with your wise and wisdom words sometimes. You taught me so much in our time that we spent together and that has stayed with me and always will. You taught me how to strip down car motors and rebuild them and I still do stuff like this today. You also taught me that you can make anything from anything and to also have a solution to almost everything as well. You always drummed in my mind, there is no such word as can’t. My creativity sometimes blows my own mind not to mention my friends and family. I am modest with this but so very proud that I can almost doing anything I put my mind to and I got a lot of this from you.

In 2010, it was so hard to learn that you were terminally ill and I told you to be strong and don’t give in to it. You told me you would be strong and fight it but for some reason I felt you were giving up and you had no choice but to lie to me. I knew deep down you were trying to help me through it by your words.

As your illness progressed, I tried to be there as much as I could handle but it was just so hard for me. To see my once strong father becoming frailer every time I saw you was killing me in side. Eventually my selfishness got the better of me and I had no choice but to leave and go live in another state. I am so very sorry and I just hope you can understand and forgive me wherever you are. I do regret my decision now and live with it every day but back then, it was the only way I could deal with it.

I justified my actions by thinking there were stronger people than I, including Mum, to nurse and comfort you, so it was okay.

I just thought and I took it for granted, “You would be here forever and that we would have all the time in the world” but that wasn’t the case.

You died peacefully and free of pain four months later.

At least the last time I saw you, I put my arms around you and told you I loved you. You said, “I love you too pet.”

I didn’t want to let you go, knowing I would never see you again, but I took a big deep breath and as hard as it was, I walked out your door.

You weren’t the best father in the world but you were my father and none of us is perfect as you once told me. Everyone makes mistakes and you lived most of your life regretting yours. Many times, I watched you cry and I felt your sadness about your regrets in life.

I think about you all the time and even talk to you, hoping you’re there somewhere, regardless. I can’t help it; I just miss and love you so very much.

I have faith you are in peace with God now.