Читать книгу Living An Orgasmic Life - Xanet Pailet - Страница 15

My father’s death when I was three greatly impacted my sexual blueprint. Not only did my mother never remarry, she never dated and never invited a man, other than a relative, over to our house. Sex was never discussed. My mother so hated touch that she wouldn’t get a manicure and took no pleasure in keeping her own nails perfectly shaped. She could barely talk to me when I got my period at the age of eleven, other than to reinforce the overriding message: “sex is bad and dirty.” My only knowledge of romantic love was from what I saw in the movies and read in books, which caused me to idolize men.

Shame from Inappropriate Attraction: Tim’s Story

Growing up in a sexually open household also has its challenges. Tim, age forty-three, was unable to sustain healthy relationships with women because he was obsessed with his mother and constantly fantasized about her. He grew up in a household where nudity was acceptable. His mother had always walked around the house naked and this never presented a problem, until he entered puberty. Tim had his first erotic experience when he got a hard-on while looking at his mother with her breasts exposed. His mother noticed Tim’s erection and said, “I’m flattered by all your attention.” Tim also saw that his mother’s nipples had become erect and he realized that she was also turned on. This reinforced his sexual attraction to her.

His mother squandered a perfect opportunity to remove the shame from the situation by simply telling Tim that it’s normal for a boy to get an erection when he sees a naked woman’s body. She also should have realized that her days of walking around naked in front of Tim were over. Instead his attention played into her own sexual desires, creating an inappropriate mother-son dynamic.

Religious and cultural beliefs can also have a huge impact on our sexuality, particularly in Christianity and Islam. I work with a lot of men and women from India, Asia, and the Middle East. Many of them grew up in very sex-negative cultures where women are supposed to be virgins when they marry. Women are looked down upon if they dress in a feminine or sexy way. Girls receive a lot of negative messages and are often shamed for expressing their sexuality.

Sexually Repressed Shame: Anya’s Story

Anya’s family is from Iran. Sex was not talked about in her home and her mother put the kibosh on even the slightest hint of sexual expression. One day she and her mother were driving in a car and she saw a woman on the back of a motorcycle being driven by a man. The woman’s hair was flying and she was holding on to him very tightly. Feeling excited by this vision she said out loud, “Oh, I wish that was me.” Out of nowhere, she felt a slap across her face. “She’s a slut,” said her mother with disgust. “And you will be too if you do that!”

Anya told me this story during a session. I’d been giving her some featherlight touch on her arms and she started to feel a little pleasure in her body, which I could sense from her breathing. But the minute she felt that pleasure, she froze up and started crying. When I asked her what was going on she told me that she heard her mother’s voice in her head telling her that she was a slut and that pleasure was shameful. Pleasure and shame had collapsed into a single experience for her. This prevented her from ever being able to touch herself or experience an orgasm. Once she realized why she was blocked, she was able to accept pleasure and eventually have orgasms.

On the opposite end of the spectrum from shame caused by sexual repression is the projection of shame onto women who are sexually expressive, what we call “slut-shaming.” Women who are sexually open, available, and have lots of sex are stigmatized as “loose” and too free with their bodies. One of the insidious messages young women receive is, “You don’t want to open your legs for too many men!” Sadly, slut-shaming most often occurs woman-to-woman.

Shame Around Experiencing Desire: Bob’s Story

Another example of shame around desire showed up with Bob. He was ashamed about how highly sexually excitable he was, walking around with a hard-on much of the day. Even the calming breathing exercises I taught him turned him on. From age eight to age twelve, Bob had ongoing sexual experiences with his older sister wherein he would touch or suck her breasts but never received touch in return. While this was a big turn-on for Bob and left him with an erection, he was also confused. He felt both excited and anxious about being caught. Shame seeped in because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but he also felt helpless against his sister’s advances. Bob also had a volatile relationship with his rageaholic father. He got aroused and had a hard-on whenever his father exploded at him. Over time, he began to associate erections and arousal with emotions of fear, anxiety, excitement, sadness, and anger. Layered over all of this was shame. Through our sessions, Bob began to understand that he used his arousal to distract himself from his emotions. Once Bob learned to express his emotions, his sexual arousal became more appropriate to the situation.

Masturbation and Shame

As children, many of us got caught masturbating by a parent or another adult figure. They typically let their disapproval be known and we were reprimanded: teasing, scolding, looks of disdain, even mild to severe punishments. This was certainly my experience with my friend Josephine in first grade. I never felt the same about Josephine after that incident. The feelings from being caught and the disapproval made me feel embarrassed, guilty, confused and very upset. This common experience leads to shame and the inability to freely express our sexuality and to experience pleasure.

Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure: Delia’s Story

Delia was experiencing orgasm challenges. While her body went through the normal physiological response to arousal and orgasm, (heavier breathing, increased heart rate, flushed face) she did not experience much sensation in her body when she was aroused. One day, I was giving Delia a bodywork session intended to help her open up to receiving sensual touch and I noticed that the fingers on her right hand were moving in a pattern that mimicked masturbation. When I brought this to her attention, she recalled the shame she felt when, as a young girl, her mother barged into her room, smelled her fingers, and punished her for touching herself. The pleasure of masturbation turned into shame, and while Delia continued to masturbate as a child, she never again experienced pleasure. This continued into adulthood, and Delia started to disassociate from any pleasurable sensations during sex. Even though her body responded to sensual touch, she did not feel aroused and felt numb around her pussy. As Delia began to deal with her shame, she became much more aware and present to sensations and her arousal and ultimately was able to fully experience orgasm.

Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation:

Keith’s Story

In men, problems with early ejaculation are often associated with getting caught masturbating in adolescence. Keith was an only child with a very controlling mother, who was constantly checking up on him. The bathroom, the only room in the house with a lock on the door, was Keith’s refuge from his mother, and the only safe place for him to masturbate. Eventually his mother caught on to this. She began monitoring his time in the bathroom, constantly knocking on the door and asking him if everything was all right. Fearful of her interference, Keith learned how to come very quickly, usually within two minutes of stimulation. This became his normal response and plagued him into adulthood and marriage.

In my work with men and women, I am always surprised by the impact of negative responses to a child’s natural curiosity and tendency to touch themselves “down there.” The mere act of swatting a little boy’s hand away from his crotch quickly sends the message that touching yourself is wrong. These messages stick with us and are often further reinforced by societal and religious messages about masturbation.