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Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder

Body shame is an experience common to almost all women and many men surrounding our looks, our weight, the size of our breasts, cocks, thighs, butts, pussies…the list can go on forever. The constant barrage of unrealistic media images of perfect bodies and body parts continues to play a huge role in our own body image issues. I have worked with so many men who have shame because their penises don’t measure up to the ones they see in pornography, many of which have been digitally enhanced.

For women, body shame is the number one reason that we are held back from enjoying sex and creates disconnection from our desires. Women tend to “spectate” during sex, i.e., we are constantly thinking about and imagining what our bodies look like while we are having sex. This takes us out of the experience and into our heads. I know I’ve done this, and I’m sure you have as well. I’ve gone so far as to require that the mirror in my room be covered during sex because I was unhappy with the way my body looked.

Body shame prevents you from fully expressing yourself sexually. Maybe you have sex under the covers or with the lights out so that your partner doesn’t see your body. Body shame creates unhealthy habits, such as constant dieting and eating disorders. You might even sabotage every first date just to avoid exposing your body to someone else.

Body shame often makes us feel like we’re not loveable, not sexy, and not worthy of someone’s attention. It also causes many unnecessary surgeries such as penile implants, breast enhancements and reductions, and labiaplasty, a common form of plastic surgery for women.

Many of us first experience body shame in our early adolescence, just as our bodies are changing. Hormones do funny things to bodies, but there is little compassion for this, and cruel comments from others can cut right through us. When Joelle went to sleep-away camp at age fourteen, she gained fifteen pounds over the summer. Excited about returning home to see her boyfriend, she has a vivid memory of how shocked he was when he met her at the door. She will never forget the look on his face. Rather than inviting her into the house to talk with his parents as he normally did, he quickly ushered her upstairs, sending shame and negative messages to her about her body. To cope with the body shame, Joelle resorted to massive fasts and dieting and ended up with an eating disorder in college.

Postpartum women are particularly burdened by body shame, and it is part of the reason so many of us lose interest in sex after giving birth. Unfortunately, I have seen some women whose partners exacerbate their shame by continuing to buy them clothes that are one or two sizes too small as an “incentive” to get back to pre-baby weight. I personally consider that yet another form of shaming.