| Foreword by Giles and Victoria Coren | |
| 1. Present Laughter | |
| Southgate–San Francisco–Fleet Street: 1960–1969 Introduction by Melvyn Bragg | |
| 2. No, But I Saw the Movie | |
| 3. Through a Glass, Darkly | |
| 4. It Tolls for Thee | |
| 5. … that Fell on the House that Jack Built | |
| 6. Under the Influence of Literature | |
| 7. This Thing with the Lions | |
| 8. Bohemia | |
| 9. The Power and the Glory | |
| 10. Mao, He’s Making Eyes At Me! | |
| 11. Death Duties | |
| ‘The Funniest Writer In Britain Today’: 1970–1979 Introduction by Victoria Wood | |
| 12. Boom, What Makes My House Go Boom? | |
| 13. Suffer Little Children | |
| 14. Ear, Believed Genuine Van Gogh, Hardly Used, What Offers? | |
| 15. Father’s Lib | |
| 16. Let Us Now Phone Famous Men | |
| | |
| 17. The Rime of the Ancient Film-maker | |
| 18. Good God, That’s Never The Time, Is It? | |
| 19. Going Cheep | |
| 20. Go Easy, Mr Beethoven, That Was Your Fifth! | |
| 21. Take the Wallpaper in the Left Hand and the Hammer in the Right … | |
| 22. Owing to Circumstances Beyond our Control 1984 has been Unavoidably Detained … | |
| 23. Foreword to Golfing for Cats: An Apology to the Bookseller | |
| 24. Baby Talk, Keep Talking Baby Talk 168 | |
| 25. The Hell at Pooh Corner | |
| 26. And Though They Do Their Best To Bring Me Aggravation … | |
| 27. Life mit Vater | |
| 28. Dr No will See You Now | |
| 29. Bottle Party | |
| 30. The Unacknowledged Legislators of the World | |
| 31. The Hounds Of Spring Are On Winter’s Traces, So That’s Thirty-Eight-Pounds-Forty, Plus Making Good, Say, Fifty-Quid | |
| Appendix: The Bulletins of Idi Amin | |
| 32. All O’ De People, All De Time | |
| 33. A Word F’om De Sponsor | |
| 34. De Whitehall Snub | |
| 35. A Star Gittin’ Born | |
| The Golden Age: 1980–1989 Introduction by Clive James | |
| 36. Tax Britannica | |
| 37. Blue Flics | |
| | |
| 38. Smiling Through | |
| 39. The Gospel According to St Durham | |
| 40. O Little Town of Cricklewood | |
| 41. Just a Gasp at Twilight | |
| 42. For Fear of Finding Something Worse | |
| 43. Mr Noon by D. H. Lawrence | |
| 44. No Bloody Fear | |
| 45. Getting the Hump | |
| 46. True Snails Read (anag., 8, 6) | |
| 47. One is One and All Alone | |
| 48. £10.66 And All That | |
| 49. Red Sales in the Sunset | |
| 50. Cave Canem | |
| The Cricklewood Years: 1990–1999 Introduction by A.A. Gill | |
| 51. Here We Go Round the Prickly Pear | |
| 52. Uneasy Lies the Head | |
| 53. Salt in the Wound | |
| 54. Good God, That’s Never The Time? (2) | |
| 55. Japanese Sandmen | |
| 56. Card Index | |
| 57. Brightly Shone The Rain That Night | |
| 58. Tuning Up | |
| 59. The Queen, My Lord, is Quite Herself, I Fear | |
| 60. The Green Hills of Cricklewood | |
| 61. Making Old Bones | |
| 62. Osric the Hedgehog | |
| 63. Doom’d For a Certain Term to Walk the Night | |
| 64. Garden Pests | |
| 65. Time for a Quick One? | |
| 66. The Leaving of Cricklewood | |
| 67. Lo, Yonder Waves the Fruitful Palm! | |
| | |
| 68. Fabric Conditioning | |
| 69. Numbers Racket | |
| 70. Eight Legs Worse | |
| 71. Do Dilly-Dally on the Way | |
| 72. On a Wing and a Prayer | |
| 73. And Did Those Feet? | |
| 74. Nothing But The Truth | |
| The Last Decade: 2000–2007 Introduction by Stephen Fry | |
| 75. Radio Fun | |
| 76. Not My Bag | |
| 77. Queening It | |
| 78. Domestic Drama | |
| 79. Road Rage | |
| 80. Southern Discomfort | |
| 81. Poles Apart | |
| 82. All Quiet On The Charity Front | |
| 83. Ah, Yes, I Remember It Well! | |
| 84. I Blame The Dealers | |
| 85. The Long Goodbye | |
