Читать книгу The Mind-Body Cure - Bal Pawa - Страница 19

After my accident, I remained in a holding pattern of physical and emotional pain for quite some time, for several reasons. I had developed an inner dialogue of being a “victim.” I blamed the driver: “He should have been watching.” I blamed myself: “I could have taken a different route home.” Sometimes I pitied myself because I felt it was unfair the accident happened to me. Losing my baby made me upset, sad, and frustrated—I knew I was in no shape to have more children in my condition and I wasn’t getting any younger, but I wanted a bigger family. I developed terrible insomnia, mostly because of chronic physical pain and nightmares of the accident. This left me with severe fatigue, which was often debilitating.

I was led to conclude the only answer to my situation was more drugs and more surgeries, yet neither appealed to me. By that time, I had tried many different medications, received several injections, done a variety of physical therapies, and even undergone multiple surgeries. Nothing had provided sustained relief for the chronic pain. Looking back, I now see that I was in an illness mindset because I felt hopeless: nothing had worked, and as a result, I believed there was no end in sight. I also believed I didn’t have the power to change my outcome, that I was a victim of my circumstances and pain and loss, that I just had to put up with it. And being a physician compounded the problem, because I often felt that if I couldn’t heal myself, how could I expect to help others.

My first step to healing was starting to become aware of my “self,” especially the thoughts that were not serving me well. I began to notice the repeated patterns of negative thoughts and make a conscious effort to think more positively. For example, instead of mourning the loss of my unborn child, I began to focus on the two beautiful children already in my life. Instead of seeing the loss of my career delivering babies as a failure, I began to focus on what possibilities were going to come from this situation someday. Instead of resenting the physical pain in my body, I began to see it as telling me to pay more attention to self-care and be more kind and compassionate to myself. Reframing my thoughts and making that change to a new mindset for healing took awareness, insight, energy, and time, but it was the best prescription I have ever filled.