Читать книгу Comfortable Chaos - Carolyn Harvey & Beth Herrild - Страница 39

Boundaries are our own “lines in the sand” that help us keep other people and things from encroaching on our space. They also help us not to encroach on others. Boundaries are excellent tools for reigning in perfectionism and dealing with an imperfect world. When boundaries are lacking, everything can feel out of control. Having boundaries does not mean that you can’t occasionally take work home or let the lines between work and home blur a little. You just need to make sure that it is a conscious choice.

How do you know what your boundaries are? As you get to know and listen to yourself, your boundaries often emerge. Other times, you don’t know you have created a boundary until it feels wrong to step over it.

Sheila negotiated a situation with her employer to have flexible hours so that she could be home early enough to pick up her daughter from the bus stop after school. She got to work between 6:00 a.m. and 6:15 a.m. so that she would be able to leave by 2:45 p.m. She isn’t a morning person, but felt that getting up early was a worthwhile adjustment so she could be with her daughter after school. She also realized that late meetings or last-minute telephone calls would occasionally prevent her from leaving on time, so she worked out a back-up plan with her neighbor for those days. Things went pretty well for a month or two but then the back-up plan became the norm and her neighbor was picking up her daughter three or four days each week. Sheila started to feel angry and resentful about her early morning start when she wasn’t getting the payoff she had envisioned. These feelings made her realize that she had a boundary — she just hadn’t nailed it down. She now knew that having her neighbor pick up her daughter three to four days a week was too much and this shed light on where the line should be in order for her not to feel angry and resentful. She decided that her line in the sand was calling upon her neighbor a maximum of one day per week and a new boundary was born.

Sometimes other people help us define our boundaries. Beth remembers an incident that had a whopping impact on how she set her boundaries. She had agreed to meet her sister at a restaurant after work. Beth’s last meeting of the day at work was running long and she kept anxiously looking at her watch. A key internal customer was talking endlessly. Although it had been an impromptu meeting late in the day that she did not have to attend, Beth didn’t honor her own boundaries and get up and leave. Finally, the meeting ended and she rushed to her car and drove aggressively to the restaurant. By this time, she was about 30 minutes late and her cell phone rang. It was her sister who calmly informed her that she was tired of waiting — her time was valuable too — and she had left the restaurant. Beth was frustrated, embarrassed, and angry with herself for not leaving on time. But she realized her sister wasn’t being unreasonable. This incident helped her create a new boundary between work and her personal life.

What makes a boundary beautiful? When it empowers you and improves your quality of life. Whether a need for a boundary is emerging on its own or being triggered by an event with someone else, the six steps for creating beautiful boundaries are the same: