Читать книгу 100 Of The Best Curses and Insults In Italian: A Toolkit for the Testy Tourist - Rachel Federman, Chuck Gonzales, Rachel Federman - Страница 7

SITUATION #2: LIKE A VIRGIN

You've been a Madonna fan ever since you were a little girl—and not the Madonna with the He-Man arms and accent thicker than last night's Ragu. The religous kind! So a visit to Florence’s Uffizi Museum is your dream come true. At first, you're only slightly miffed by the young, local, hand-holding couple that keeps positioning themselves between you and each painting you’ve stopped to admire. Then, the handholding turns to petting (you breathe in and out slowly and deeply just like your yoga teacher taught you), which turns to tonguing (your ujai breath is becoming less and less effective), which turns to moaning (all concentration is gone, and you let out an exasperated sigh). By the time their tongue tournament is well into overtime, you realize you can't keep your own mouth closed any longer either.

What to do:

Loudly clear your throat. If that doesn't work, position yourself between Team Tonsil Hockey and whatever masterpiece they’re blocking. Then step backward, "accidentally" knocking into the pair. If they still haven’t come up for air, show them you actually command enough of their language to defend yourself!

What to say:

POSSO UNIRMI A VOI?

“Can I join in?”

or

PRENDETEVI UNA STANZA!

“Get a room!”

It’s appropriate to say this because. . .

Proper museum etiquette (no food, drink, loud noise, or artwork c**ck-blocking) is what ensures that all patrons are afforded the opportunity to enjoy a meaningful experience at the cultural institutions of their choosing.

In the know:

Museum-going tourists who've “been there, done that” in Italy (having exhausted the Uffizi, the Academia, the Vatican, and all of the other major museums) may want to check out the more kitschy Pasta Museum (in Rome), the Gas Station Museum (in Milan), the Knowing and Playing with Waste Museum (in Torino), the Umbrella and Parasol Museum (in Piedmont), or the Climbing Boot Museum (in Treviso)!

EXTRA CREDIT

Some cultures are more prone to PDA than others. And in Italy, public displays of affection are rampant. As such, you may want to tuck away a few more admonishments:

1. FATE PURE COME SE NON CI FOSSI!

“No really, don’t mind me!”

2. NON VI SI STANCA MAI LA LINGUA?

“Aren’t your tongues tired yet?”

3. SE VI LECCATE ANCORA UN PO' RESTATE INCOLLATI!

“If you make out any longer you’ll find yourselves stuck together!”