Читать книгу When You Think You're Not Enough - Daphne Rose Kingma - Страница 11

TWO

How Don't I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways

I can't believe how cruel I am to myself.

—Woman, 36, recovering from a suicide attempt

Difficulty loving ourselves is a universal problem. And far from being the best-kept secret of our individual selves, it's a creeping general malaise, something which, given a chance, we're all grateful to confess: “Oh, you have trouble loving yourself too; I thought I was the only one.”

If it's true that so many of us struggle to love ourselves— if I nod with both recognition and shock when the Italian doctor states the problem, if the party people are cheering the fact that I'm speaking to this topic—how did it get to be this way? And why haven't we been able to do something about it? Why are we so seemingly uncomfortable in our own skins and why do we keep tripping ourselves up with so many kinds of self-sabotage?

Why are we sometimes able to notice this awful treatment of ourselves, but are still unable to prevent the next binge of self-criticism? And why, in our own private dialogues—those lying-awake-in-the-night conversations we sometimes have with ourselves—can we be so astonishingly brutal, not telling ourselves all the things that are right and good and beautiful about ourselves, but all that's wrong, bad, ugly, and hopeless about us? Why? Have we come to accept all this self-negating behavior as simply and unavoidably just the way things are?

One way to find the answer is to take a good look at all the ways we torture ourselves. Let's take a minute to drag the demons out into the light so you can stare them down before you move beyond them. I encourage you to look at this list without self-judgment. Just notice, with compassion if you can, how many of these things you do to yourself. Awareness is the beginning of healing.

Self-Criticism

My nose is too big, too small, too crooked, too pointy. My eyes are too dark, too light, too close together, too far apart. I'm too fat. I'm too thin. I'm too ugly. Why did I wear that fancy blouse—too dressy! Why did I wear that plain old sweatshirt—too shabby! I'm too wishy-washy, a patsy. I should have tried harder. I shouldn't have bothered. I shouldn't have said that. I should've said that instead. I should've been nicer. More aggressive. Less blunt. I wasted way too much money on that hotel room, house, car. I didn't invest nearly enough money on that motel room, cottage, bicycle. I should've asked that cute girl out on a date. I was a fool to love him in the first place. It was the biggest mistake of my life to marry her. I should've been more patient with my mother. I should've gotten angry with my father. I should've blamed him more. I should've thanked him more. I should've forgiven him before he died.

Self-criticism is speaking badly about yourself and, in general, evaluating yourself in a negative manner. It is beating yourself up verbally for the sheer knee-jerk habit and indulgence of it, just because it's familiar to pick on yourself and put yourself down. Through self-criticism, you look at yourself and find yourself somehow unacceptable, not worthy of your own love.

Self-Blame

It's my fault my parents fought all the time—I wasn't a good daughter. It's my fault my child is sick—I didn't keep him away from that kid with the runny nose. It's my fault my husband is overweight—I don't cook him healthy meals. It's my fault my wife is unhappy—I don't earn enough money. It's my fault my favorite team didn't win—I didn't wear my rally cap. It's my fault that it snowed last night—I didn't pray to the sun gods. It'll be my fault if the house burns down—I don't check the electrical wiring weekly. It's my fault the economy crashed—I didn't manage my money well. It's my fault the ozone is depleted—I don't use the right hairspray.

A variation on self-criticism, self-blame is imagining— no, it's being absolutely sure—that, whatever's gone wrong, it's your fault. It's choosing to blame yourself rather than the ordinary changing vicissitudes of life or the people who are actually at fault, for whatever has gone awry. When your form of not loving yourself is self-blame, you tend to see every problem as somehow caused by you.

Self-Deprecation

I'm not valuable. I'm not special. I've no impact or meaning in the world. I really don't have any real talents. I don't write well enough, sing high enough, run fast enough. Okay, sure, I painted that picture, but it's awful, the composition's off, the colors are all wrong. I know how to tango, but what could be more meaningless? I'm lazy. So what, I'm raising three kids, working full-time, and taking care of my elderly mother—I could be doing a lot more. Let's not talk about my goodness and kindness—lots of people donate time at their church, buy armloads of Girl Scout cookies, let people in front of them in the grocery check-out line. And please, please, please don't tell me I have beautiful eyes, shiny hair, a bright soul—I don't, really. Just look at the television and magazines—I don't look like her! I could never wear that!

When you belittle yourself, you are not honoring yourself. Your talents, your actions, your hobbies—however ordinary they may seem to you—are actually your essence. They're all the extraordinary things you are; they're what you have to give. Denying your gifts is not honoring your spirit.

The media assaults us every day, all day, telling us that we're not good enough without buying their products, having a model body, or viewing the world their way. This information contaminates your precious brain, and if you're already not very good at loving yourself, it reinforces your sense of unworthiness. Surrendering to this media assault is a form of self-deprecation.

Self-Doubt

Sure, I have years of experience, but there's got to be someone more qualified for the job. I'm not funny enough to go to open-mike night at the comedy club. I'm not quick enough to learn how to use a computer— if I tried, I'd break it for sure. I'm not smart enough to apply to law school—if I did, I'd probably be rejected. I can't confront my coworker—and, on second thought, maybe he didn't mean to steal my idea and present it to the boss.

If you suffer from self-doubt, you feel very unsure of yourself. Every time a challenge, obstacle, or opportunity arises, instead of taking a leap, you stand there frozen on your spot. Self-doubt blocks any effort toward change. And chances are your doubts aren't based on any empirical data; rather, you're just plain not loving yourself enough to risk the new and trust that your chances of success are as good or better than anyone else's. True, failure is one of the possible outcomes in any endeavor; but it's not the only outcome. Self-doubt is lack of self-love in action because it expects the negative outcome. It doesn't trust in joy, possibility, or a positive result for you.

Self-Deprivation

Even though it's a beautiful day, I think I'll stay inside and work. I get the popular brand of shampoo for my daughter, but the generic stuff is good enough for me. I'd love to have some of this wonderful perfume—on second thought, I think I'll surprise my sister with a gift. I'd like to get a new dress for the party, but why bother; I don't really need it. I'll have dessert but only if you want some too.

When you live with self-deprivation, you make an orphan out of yourself. You don't give yourself the treats and blessings of life. Everyone—even you—deserves to be delighted by the good things in life, big or small. Treating yourself as if you don't deserve the best, or maybe even anything, shortchanges you from the gift of yourself and from the gifts that others and life itself have in store for you.

Self-Destructiveness

I'm just committing suicide one cigarette at a time. I don't need to get my drinking under control. I'm almost finished—just one more hour at the computer, in the mall, in front of the television, at the office. I'm already fat, so what difference does it make if I eat another pint of ice cream? If I can just stretch this fast out one more day, I'll lose some more weight and then he'll like me.

There are many ways we can physically not love ourselves, ways we do unto ourselves things we would never consider doing unto others. When we are self-destructive we put ourselves in the very circumstances where the outcome is likely to be the exact opposite of what we need the most—health, happiness, confidence, fresh air, hope.

Self-Pity

Why does this always happen to me? Why does this only happen to me? God must be punishing me. I'm the only one who's ever felt this way. I'm so down that no one could possibly comfort me. I hope they don't even try. I'm a wreck. Why is my life always so hard?

Self-pity is dishonoring yourself, looking down on the grand, whole, becoming-at-every-moment-more-capable-self that you are. Pitying yourself is a condescending emotion. Rather than looking at the wounds and disappointments of your life as worthy of grieving over, as worthy of your own—and of others'—compassion, as being of value in shaping your life and your character; you wallow in a view of yourself as a small, inept, and pitiful human being.

Narcissism

Now that I've told you all about me, let's talk about you—what do you think of me? What do you think of my new haircut? I can't believe he cut it so short. This wedding is nice, but my wedding was fantastic. We had the best caterer; you should have seen the flowers. Why doesn't he call? I can't believe he hasn't called. We had one of the best dates of my life. My daughter-in-law is a terrible mother to my grandson. If I'd raised my son like that she never would have married him.

Narcissism, to the untrained eye, can appear to be self-love, but actually it's very hollow. It is immediately tedious and ultimately exhausting to others. In fact, rather than gaining the kind of loving attention that could make you feel loved, narcissism engenders rejection and, in time, the walking away of friends and strangers, leaving the narcissist feeling abandoned rather than loved. Narcissism is smoke, a lot of hot air and mirrors, false advertising that leaves the real, beautiful person inside without a voice for her wants, fears, needs, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Narcissism is a second-rate trip, a second-rate knock-off of true self-love. It's produced, directed, and starred in by the unreal self.

It All Boils Down to Low Self-Esteem

If you recognize yourself in one or more of the above behaviors, you are probably suffering from low self-esteem. What this means is that deep down inside, you feel that you're not a very worthwhile person. Your opinion of yourself never manages to rise up to the greatness level. Monday through Sunday you don't think you're okay. Instead of sparkling, you're always grey—a wannabe or a has-been. You're not a player and you never will be. You're not part of the in-crowd. You just don't believe in yourself.

You may have your own additional, well-developed ways of not loving yourself. Unfortunately, many of us are world-class masters at the art. But whatever your method, each of these habits of low self-esteem is a symptom of something much deeper, something with roots in your childhood. And until you can look beneath the surface of your self-negating behaviors to see how you acquired them, it will be difficult for you to love yourself.

Whatever the form of your lack of self-love, you can begin to change it by understanding how you came to be so hard on yourself in the first place. Understanding is always the key to emotional healing.