Читать книгу It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life - Greg Behrendt - Страница 22

I settled for pieces of the pie for a long time in my romantic history. If there was a guy with only few of the qualities I was looking for but loads of the ones I wasn’t, then I was on board! Or better yet, if there was a guy who wasn’t ready to commit but could muster up just enough effort to string me along, then sign me up! That’s my man! But don’t tell him he’s my man because it might scare him off. Anything that felt bad and made me insecure was worth the effort because if I could just get the person who doesn’t love me to love me then I would know for sure that I am good enough. Good enough for what? Seriously. What is it that I’m looking for and why do I think that this asshole that makes me feel less than or inadequate is not only better than me but has the answers? Why does someone else hold the key to my self-esteem? That’s the revelation I finally had after yet another disappointing quasi-relationship with someone who had such bad qualities that it was almost comical. It takes one of those to give you the proverbial smack up side the head so that you can give your brain a good shake and get all the self-loathing out. You have to continually hit the reset button on your life to make you consciously start making better choices because no one else can do it for you. Look, it’s hard to be in a relationship where there’s an imbalance of feelings. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of that imbalance and neither of them is really that comfortable. At least when you’re the one least invested you don’t feel the panic and inadequacy of when you’re on the losing end of the “Please Love Me Enough” equation. But being uncomfortable in your relationship is symptomatic of not only that you’re in the wrong relationship but that you aren’t in a good space with yourself. Continuing to be in bad relationships where you feel not good enough, unloved, and insecure or anything other than consistently great is like having a gambling addiction. Every day thinking the next will be the turning point where things will stabilize and be great is the same thing as thinking that the next hand of cards is going to make you the big winner when in fact you’re just slowly giving yourself away. It’s denial in a truly profound sense because you participate in it daily and you know it even if it’s only on a gut level that shows itself in the discomfort you feel being riddled with self-doubt.

It’s hard to say why it took me so long to like myself enough to gracefully refrain from engaging in self-doubting relationships, but once I had figured it out it was an undeniable truth that I could not turn back from. No one knows better than I do about me and because of that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am free. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am lovable. And people around me know that I know that about myself. It only took me ten years to get there but because I got there I found the best relationship for me and now I get the rest of my life to feel good.