Читать книгу My Trans Parent - Heather Bryant - Страница 10

So, what does this mean for you? How will this impact your life?

Monica described navigating this confusion: “I was trying to make sense of what it possibly meant for me. I was partway through my senior year of high school. I had gone through my parents’ divorce when I was really young, and so I was kinda mad that this other thing was happening that was gonna change things.”

One part that I never considered at the time was how my father and I were on parallel journeys. I was on the cusp of becoming a woman and she was doing the same. Each of us was on a rollercoaster of hormones and physical changes.

Monica experienced something similar at age 17: “I was becoming a young adult woman, and then my dad was becoming a woman.” She spoke of an initial sense of overwhelm, but at the same time, said, “Despite how emotional I felt about the whole thing, I also felt protective of my dad, and recognized what it took to do something—to follow through with this need to fully realize your identity.” At the end of the initial visit when she found out, driving back in the car, she turned to her dad and said, “No matter what, I love you—I want you to know that.” She said, “I really meant that, even though I didn’t know what it meant that I felt that way. I just knew it was really important. I knew that she needed to hear that at the time.”

I, too, felt this need to protect my dad and I didn’t fully understand it, but I just felt like I would do whatever I could to be protective when we were out. I would think, “Okay, so I’m not going to say ‘Dad’ anymore when we’re out together—okay—I hope I can remember that.” At the time, I hoped that I could do whatever was needed to help her with this stage of change. And then a little while later, I entered junior high and I wanted both of my parents miles and miles away. So even with the initial acceptance, other stages came after that. My reaction didn’t stay the same over time.

Riley described an initial plan to navigate the changes together. Looking back, he could see that they were setting out into uncharted territory. “I think I couldn’t have a clear picture of what trans would look like on my mom, what trans would look like in a relationship, so on that first day, both my sister and I were just like—okay great, we know you love us, we love you, so this is happening, without really getting into the details of physically what would change—anything like that. Just baseline—we’re going to work this out together.”

Trying to understand and navigate a parent’s wishes and our own understanding is ongoing. “I definitely had my difficulties in the beginning,” Danielle said. “Mainly because I was holding it in. I didn’t want to out her to anyone.” She asked her parent key questions to get some clarity. Name, pronouns, and coming out. “I’m calling you ‘Kay’ now—great. Am I using feminine pronouns for you? Yes—okay, good. But you’re not out to anyone else yet, so how do I navigate this?”

Self-knowledge is a part of the experience. “At the time, I hadn’t even fully come to terms with who I was,” Jennifer said. “I didn’t do a whole lot of research on my own about what being trans was and being involved in the community until a little bit later, so it’s not something that was a shock necessarily, but it was kind of a transition, I mean.” Our own transition comes with a growing understanding of what this means for us, for our parent, and out in the world.

It’s important to give voice to any difficulties you’re having. Amy said, “One of the biggest things for me was the fact that I felt really uncomfortable having any issue with it, which I feel like is such a disservice.” There’s a sense that if you have an issue, you’re not supporting the trans community, but denying an issue can come out sideways. It’s important to talk to someone you trust about any issues that come up.

Acting like you have no issue at all might help in the short run, but not in the long run. As Sarah W. said, “I just told my dad what I thought she wanted to hear, which was, ‘Oh no, of course it’s cool Dad—yeah it’s really awesome,’ even though inside, it was really, really heart wrenchingly hard for me.” Expecting acceptance right away can backfire in the long run, so it’s important to be open to a whole range of responses over time.