Читать книгу Modern Romance September 2017 Books 5 - 8 - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 17

CHAPTER SEVEN

ALLEGRA COULDN’T GET to sleep. She lay on her bed, staring gritty-eyed at the ceiling, everything leaden inside her. It had been such a magical evening, going to the concert with Rafael. All night excitement had been fizzing like champagne through her blood, bubbles popping inside her head. The music. The mood. The moment when Rafael had looked so sexy and intent...and then the realisation, cold and hard, that this was all ephemeral and tomorrow reality would return with a dreadful thud.

She pressed one hand against the soft swell of her bump. Oh, baby. Stay strong. Be safe. Yet she knew it wasn’t in her baby’s power to be healthy. It wasn’t in hers either.

Around two in the morning she finally rose from bed, knowing sleep wasn’t going to come. She was planning to make herself a cup of herbal tea and then sit out on the terrace, watching the city settle down to sleep, but she stopped on the threshold of her bedroom door, for Rafael was sitting in the living room, dressed only in a pair of loose, drawstring pyjama bottoms, a tumbler of whisky cradled in his hands.

He looked up at her quick intake of breath, giving her a smile that was both sad and wry. ‘You couldn’t sleep either?’

‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘I was going to make some tea. I’d ask if you wanted some, but I see you’ve got something stronger.’

‘I need it.’ Rafael’s voice was hoarse, and pain flashed like lightning across his face.

It surprised her, because although Rafael was doing what he saw as his duty by her, Allegra had assumed, rightly or wrongly, that he didn’t really want this child. He’d said as much back in Rome, and he’d refused to talk about the what if? scenarios until they knew more. She realised she’d assumed he hadn’t really cared, not the way she did, and yet now, looking at the set of his jaw, the slump of his shoulders, she wondered if he shared her fear, her agony. If he longed for their child to live and be strong and healthy as much as she did.

In the kitchen she brewed a cup of chamomile tea and then brought it to the living room, curling up on the opposite side of the sofa from Rafael. He looked unbelievably sexy, stubble shadowing his strong jaw and the perfect, sculpted muscles of his chest on glorious display, a sprinkling of dark hair forming a V down to the low waistband of his pyjamas.

But Allegra wasn’t thinking about how handsome he looked. She was realising how sad he seemed, and it made her ache.

‘I’ve felt the baby kick,’ she said quietly. Rafael turned to look at her, his mouth dropping open in surprise.

‘You have?’

‘Just in the last few days. I didn’t know what it was at first. It feels like bubbles popping inside me. Little flutters.’ She took a deep breath. ‘But they’ve become a bit stronger in the last day or two, almost...almost as if the baby knows. As if he or she is telling me...’ She broke off, her chest tight with the force of her feeling, the strength of her emotion.

Rafael leaned closer, his expression intent. ‘Telling you what?’

‘Telling me that he—or she—wants to live.’ She scanned his face, looking for clues to how he felt, what this could mean—for both of them. ‘That this baby wants to live, no matter what.’

His expression was both intense and unreadable as he stared at her. ‘What exactly do you mean?’ he asked in a low voice.

Allegra let out a shuddering breath. ‘I mean that no matter what the results are tomorrow, even if we know this baby’s life is going to be short and hard, I want to keep him. I want to know this baby, I want to hold him, I want to love him. Or her.’ She let out a trembling laugh and brushed at her eyes. ‘I seem to be rather emotional lately. It must be the pregnancy hormones.’

‘I feel emotional,’ Rafael said, his voice hoarse. ‘This is hard, Allegra, and it might only get harder, for both of us...if you mean what you say.’

‘I do, and I know.’ But did she, really? The words were easy to say—sort of—but the actions that might test them in later months would be far harder. Was she strong enough? There was only one way to find out. ‘What about you?’ she asked quietly. ‘Do you...do you feel differently? Because I won’t hold you to anything, Rafael. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t even want a baby...’

‘I didn’t want you to be pregnant,’ Rafael corrected. ‘And I imagine you didn’t either. We were strangers, Allegra.’

‘We still are,’ she said softly.

‘But this child is real and growing and I want it as much as you do.’ He took a deep breath, meeting her gaze directly. ‘Do you honestly think I would leave you to cope with this alone?’ She was silent for a second, and he drew back, deep hurt scoring his face. ‘Is that the kind of man you think I am?’

‘I don’t know what kind of man you are,’ Allegra confessed. She knew she was hurting him with her words but she had to be honest for both of their sakes. ‘You left me once before, Rafael. You pushed me away, dismissed me out of hand. I’m scared...’ That you’ll do it again. She couldn’t say the words, admit so much.

Rafael’s mouth twisted. ‘We had a one-night stand, Allegra. I admit my exit lines could have used some work, but you can’t judge me by a single conversation.’

‘Or lack of conversation.’

‘If you are going to carry this baby to term,’ Rafael stated, ‘then I am staying with you. No matter what.’ His tone was flat and determined, unyielding as stone. Allegra didn’t know whether she should be heartened or alarmed by the strength of his conviction. Was this simply a matter of responsibility and duty, or the heart?

And what was this going to mean for both of them? For their future? She’d intended on going this alone, because that’s how she did everything. She didn’t want to invite someone into her life, someone who had the power to hurt her, who had already hurt her once before. And yet she couldn’t kick Rafael out either. He was this baby’s father. He had a say, a right, just as much as she did.

Allegra stared down into the fragrant depths of her tea, her emotions a tangled web of confusion, of opposite desires to stay strong, safe and alone—and to run straight into Rafael’s arms. To seek a comfort there that she didn’t even know if he could give.

Inside her their baby kicked, and with a tremulous laugh of surprise she pressed one hand against her belly. Rafael drew a quick breath. ‘Did you feel...?’

‘Yes.’ She looked up, a new shyness coming over her. ‘Do you want to...?’

‘Yes.’ His tone was heartfelt, emboldening her to reach over and take his hand, pressing it over her bump, their fingers interlaced. His palm was warm and strong and she liked the feel of it there. ‘Wait,’ she whispered, and they both remained still, holding their breaths, hoping...

And then it happened. A light kick, right into his palm. Rafael laughed, a sound of total joy. Allegra smiled, feeling tearful again. Everything about this was so much... Rafael, their baby, them.

Rafael kept his palm on her belly and their baby kicked again, stronger this time. He looked up at her, his smile now one of fierce pride. ‘He’s a fighter.’

‘It might be a girl.’

‘Then she is. I don’t care either way, boy or girl. I just want the baby to be...’ He trailed off, a confused torment creasing his features, and Allegra squeezed his hand.

‘Healthy,’ she finished softly. ‘I know.’ Wasn’t that what all parents said? I just want the baby to be healthy. The words sounded trite when you felt assured of the outcome. In this moment of terrible uncertainty they were painfully earnest, and yet it was the not knowing that drew them together, that made Allegra feel as connected to this man, or even more so than she had during that terrible, wonderful night in Rome.

They remained on the sofa, hands interlaced on Allegra’s bump, as minutes ticked past. Their baby kicked a few more times and then settled down, and after a while Allegra fell into a doze, only to wake when she felt Rafael scoop her into his arms.

‘Sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I didn’t realise I’d fallen asleep...’

‘You’re tired.’ His voice was gruff, a thrum in his chest as Allegra pressed her cheek against the steady and comforting thud of his heart. She felt so treasured and small in his arms, in a way she hadn’t felt in years, if ever.

Rafael carried her into her bedroom, depositing her gently down on the bed. Allegra looked up at him, still half-asleep, missing the feel of his strength and warmth all around her, barely aware of what she was doing and yet knowing she needed him now more than ever. And maybe, just maybe, he needed her as well.

‘Rafael,’ she whispered. ‘Stay with me. Please.’

A look of surprise flashed across his face and then Rafael slid into bed next to her. He pulled her into his arms, drawing her back against the solid wall of his chest so their bodies were like spoons in a drawer, fitting perfectly. With a sigh of contentment Allegra settled against him and drifted back to sleep. She didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but tonight she felt safe and happy and hopeful.

* * *

Rafael sat in the doctor’s office, Allegra looking pale and tired next to him, both of them incredibly tense. Now was the moment of reckoning.

Last night had been one of the most intimate and intense experiences of his life—first feeling their baby kick and then holding Allegra in his arms all night long. The ache of desire at feeling her body so tantalisingly close to his had been overwhelmed by the fierce need to comfort and protect her. She needed him, and he wanted to be needed. Wanted to provide for her what only he could.

But this moment, he acknowledged with painful certainty, was outside his control.

The doctor came into the room, her bland expression giving nothing away. ‘Miss Wells, Mr Vitali.’ She smiled at them both before sitting down at her desk. ‘I have the results of the amniocentesis, and there is good news and bad news.’

Allegra’s hand snaked out, searching for his. Her skin was icy cold as Rafael clasped her fingers between his own, trying to imbue her with his warmth, his strength. ‘Yes?’ he asked, wanting to hear the worst and get it over with. Once they knew they could figure out how to move forward. What to do, even how to feel.

‘Your baby does have a heart defect,’ the doctor explained gently, her smile seeming kind. ‘But it is not as serious as it first looked. We’ll need to do some tests, but I believe the condition is operable and there is every chance your child will live a full and healthy life.’

Rafael stared at her in shock, barely taking in the words. He’d been bracing himself for the absolute worst news and now he felt blindsided by this wonderful surprise. Next to him Allegra let out a small, soft sob and brushed at her eyes, clearly overcome.

‘What kind of heart defect?’ Rafael asked. ‘What kind of operation?’

Rafael and Allegra both listened as the doctor explained the situation. Allegra would need to have some tests done in the next week, but if all went well then her pregnancy could continue normally to term. She would be scheduled for a C-section to avoid the traumatic effects of labour and delivery on their baby, and then a few days after birth an operation would be performed to fix their baby’s heart. The recovery would take several months but then their baby would, God willing, be healthy and whole.

‘Besides the heart defect,’ the doctor continued, smiling, ‘your baby is perfectly healthy, and everything looks normal. Do you want to know the sex?’

Rafael glanced at Allegra, saw a shy hope lighting her features, making her look radiant. She nodded.

‘It’s a boy,’ the doctor said. ‘A healthy baby boy.’

A boy. Rafael’s mind was reeling with the news.

Instead of the baby most likely doomed to die that they’d both been expecting, the awful outcome that Rafael had been bracing himself for, they could hope to have a healthy child. A baby boy whose condition could be healed, who was going to live and grow and know him. A son. He was filled with an incredible, overwhelming joy, almost too great to contain, and then realisation slammed through him, leaving him breathless.

This changed everything.

* * *

Allegra walked from the doctor’s office in a daze of hope and incredulous relief.

‘I can hardly believe it,’ she said as they climbed into Rafael’s waiting limo. ‘Our baby is going to be healthy...’ Again she was both laughing and blinking back tears, overcome by it all as she had been in the doctor’s office.

It had been such an intense twenty-four hours, with the concert last night and then learning they would discover the amnio results today. And then those wonderful moments when Rafael had put his hand on her belly and felt their baby kick. Everything in Allegra had ached at the look on his face, and when he’d held her for the rest of the night she’d felt so safe and secure. She’d never wanted that feeling to end.

Since then she hadn’t let herself think about any of it or what it meant, because the doctor’s appointment had taken precedence. Now she glanced at Rafael and saw the frown that settled between his brows, noted the hard line of his mouth, and unease rippled through her.

She’d opened a part of herself to Rafael last night, had let him in, let him affect her, let him matter. All the things she’d promised herself she wouldn’t do. It had felt so right, but now she feared she was going to pay the price for her trust and need. And so she scrambled to erect some barrier, find that much-needed distance. And yet how could she, when their baby was healthy? When every emotion she had was scraped raw?

‘Rafael?’ she asked cautiously. ‘You...you are pleased, aren’t you? About the baby?’

‘Yes, of course. Pleased and relieved.’ He paused, swinging his hard, amber gaze towards her and pinning her with it. ‘But you realise, Allegra, how this changes things.’

It was more statement than question, and it made her blood freeze. The look on his face was hard and unrelenting. He looked as he had when he’d ordered her out of his hotel room, and she felt the way she had then, uncertain, vulnerable, confused. ‘What...what do you mean?’

Rafael’s gaze remained unyielding as he answered. ‘Before this news the situation appeared temporary. It had an ending point, sadly.’ His gaze flicked away from her to the window where traffic streamed by in a blur of colour and sound. His jaw hardened, his profile reminding her of a Roman statue, perfect and cold. ‘Now the situation is ongoing and permanent, and that changes things between us, naturally.’

Allegra swallowed hard. Yes, she understood that. Now they would have a healthy child together, a child who would, God willing, live to adulthood. A child they would somehow have to raise together, because it was obvious Rafael wanted to be involved. And Allegra wanted him to be involved. She knew the searing loss of a father. She wouldn’t subject her child, her son, to it, if she didn’t have to.

And yet...how was this going to work? What was Rafael saying?

And what if he walked away from her and her son, just as he had before?

‘Of course,’ she said stiffly, ‘we’ll have to come to some arrangement.’ Surely they could, although right now she could not imagine what kind of custody arrangement would actually work. She was in New York and Rafael lived in Sicily. They could hardly pass a baby between continents like some parcel, and she wouldn’t want that anyway. Anything else, however, was unthinkable.

‘Arrangement?’ Rafael swung back to subject her to a cold stare. ‘I am not interested in arrangements.’

His eyes resembled shards of glittering amber as he kept his gaze on hers. ‘I... I don’t understand,’ Allegra said, although she was afraid she was beginning to. Here was the ruthless man who got what he wanted, who took over a failing company, who kicked a woman to the door. Here was the father of her child.

‘I’m not going to be fobbed off with some custody agreement,’ Rafael stated. ‘I would not wish such a thing on any child, and certainly not mine. I’m not going to be satisfied with weekends or holidays, an evening here or there.’

‘I think you’re being extreme,’ Allegra protested. ‘Plenty of children have divorced parents and they grow up well adjusted and happy. We can find a way forward that suits us both...’

Rafael arched an eyebrow. ‘Was that your experience?’

She bit her lip, caught by the admission. ‘That was different.’

‘How?’

‘Because we wouldn’t be getting divorced. Our child wouldn’t know one thing and then have to learn another. There wouldn’t be a sense of loss, because it would be how it always was, our son’s normal.’

His lip curled. ‘My lack of involvement would be normal?’

Allegra looked away. ‘Why does it have to be your lack of involvement? Surely we can work something out.’

‘How? You live in New York and I live in Sicily. A baby’s place is with his mother, I recognise that. So what happens? I get our son when he’s two or three? Four? Five?’

‘No.’ The word was torn from her, trembling and indignant.

Rafael gave a nod of cold satisfaction.

‘You wouldn’t want that either. You don’t want to share our child, and neither do I.’

Realisation crept coldly through her, a seeping mist obscuring rational thought. She understood what he was saying, and yet... ‘Then what are you suggesting?’ she forced herself to ask.

‘I want to be involved in our son’s life, Allegra,’ Rafael stated. ‘Completely involved. You cannot deny me that. You will not.’

Allegra stiffened, hearing an implied threat in the words. ‘And if I do?’ she dared to ask.

‘Do not even think of it.’ Rafael’s voice was a low thrum of grim intent. ‘You do not want to experience the full force of my anger and power.’

‘Wow.’ She let out a shaky laugh, amazed and horrified at how they’d got to this place. Last night he’d held her so tenderly, she’d been halfway to caring about him. Trusting him. Today he was the merciless stranger who had kicked her out of his bed. There was a lesson to be learned here. She’d thought she’d learned it already, but it seemed she hadn’t taken it in, not fully. ‘You’re bringing out the big guns, aren’t you? And I thought I’d felt your anger and power once before.’

‘Not even close,’ Rafael answered coolly. ‘Trust me.’

Never. The limo had pulled up to the hotel. Allegra gazed at the elegant building overlooking Central Park, and felt as if she were about to enter a prison, one to which Rafael held the keys. She couldn’t go inside, not willingly.

‘We can discuss the necessary arrangements,’ she told Rafael in as dignified a tone as she could manage. ‘Of course I want to accommodate you as best as I can. I want our baby to have an involved father as much as you do. A completely involved father. We can work something out, Rafael. I know we can.’ A bellboy came forward to open her door. ‘But I also want to return to my life,’ Allegra said as firmly as she could. ‘My apartment, my job. Now that we know things are okay there’s no need for me to stay here.’ And she could use some distance from Rafael and his autocratic commands, his unsettling presence. She moved to get out of the car and Rafael stayed her with one powerful hand encircling her wrist, the proprietary touch shocking her.

‘You don’t understand, Allegra,’ he informed her in a lethal tone. ‘You’re not going back to your apartment or your job or even your life. As soon as possible you’re coming to Sicily to live with me...as my wife.’