Читать книгу Modern Romance September 2017 Books 5 - 8 - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 21

CHAPTER ELEVEN

RAFAEL STARED UNSEEINGLY at the screen of his laptop as Allegra’s words ricocheted around his head, as they had been for the last three days, since she’d said them. You don’t need to worry, Rafael, I’m not going to fall in love with you.

Words that should have filled him with sweet relief—and they did. Of course they did. But they’d surprised him too, because he hadn’t expected such cold, clear pragmatism from her. Allegra was sensitive, emotional, romantic—whether she realised it or not. And yet she’d stated very clearly, with great certainty, that she would never love him. That she couldn’t. What the hell did that mean anyway? Was that because of her—or him? Because he wasn’t worth loving?

It was a question he hated asking, much less answering. It was a foolish, romantic question not worthy of his time. He should be thankful that his wife-to-be was so sensible. So like-minded. Moodily Rafael shut his laptop and gazed out the window of his study instead.

It was a day of lemon sunshine and blue skies, and he was tired of spending it inside. Tired of mulling over everything Allegra had said.

In the three days since their conversation he’d made an effort to spend more time with her. It wasn’t always easy, and their conversations were sometimes stilted and jarring, but he had to admit to himself he actually liked being with her. Enjoyed hearing her clear, crystalline laugh, seeing her infectious smile. She’d had much sorrow in her life, but she was made for joy. Joy he wanted to give her, whether it was a gift or a touch...or more. But did she want to receive it? Receive him?

Why was he thinking like this?

The sound of crunching gravel had Rafael rising from his seat. A delivery van was approaching the front of the villa, and he knew what it held. A smile touching his lips, he headed downstairs.

‘What is all this?’ Allegra asked as the delivery man began bringing in boxes.

‘Your things,’ Rafael said simply. ‘I had everything shipped from your apartment.’

‘You did?’ She looked flummoxed.

‘Did you think we would leave it behind?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose I did. I knew you were terminating the lease on my apartment.’

‘But I thought you’d want your things around you.’

‘I do. Of course I do.’ She shook her head slowly, smiling at him with a pure radiance that felt like a spotlight on his soul. ‘You can be so thoughtful sometimes, Rafael. Thank you.’

‘Only sometimes?’ he teased. Their banter felt new and fragile, but kind of wonderful too. Allegra’s smile deepened.

‘Definitely only sometimes,’ she teased back. ‘But your rate is improving.’

He laughed, and with all of the boxes brought in Allegra began to open them, exclaiming over everything like a child at Christmas. ‘My books...my cheese plant!’ She looked up at him with laughing eyes, making something in Rafael’s chest expand. ‘I’ve had this thing for years, you know.’

‘It looks like it needs a little water,’ Rafael said, and took it from her. ‘It’s been in a box for days.’

‘Everything came so quickly.’

‘Expedited shipping.’

‘That must have cost a fortune!’ she exclaimed, and he shrugged.

‘I can afford it.’

He took the cheese plant to the kitchen and when he went back to the lounge, Allegra was sitting on the sofa, her cello case in front of her, a thoughtful look on her face. She almost seemed sad.

Rafael propped his shoulder against the doorframe, watching the way her face softened as she opened the case and stroked the buttery-soft wood of the instrument.

‘How long have you had that cello?’ he asked quietly, and she looked up, blushing at being caught out.

‘Since I was nine. My father bought it for me.’

‘Did he?’ Rafael said quietly.

‘Yes...he loved to hear me play.’ She let out a soft sigh. ‘Even when I wasn’t very good, sawing away at it. He’d always clap and say “Bravo.”’

‘Perhaps you’ll play for me sometime,’ Rafael said, and saw her eyes flare in surprise. Then she shook her head with sorrowful but firm decision.

‘No, I can’t.’

Rafael tried to hide the expression of affront and even hurt he feared was on his face. ‘I see,’ he said, unable to keep his tone from turning cool.

‘I haven’t played in almost ten years,’ Allegra explained. She rested her hand on the cello. ‘Not since I was eighteen.’

Intrigued, Rafael straightened. ‘Why not?’

She shook her head, her eyes downcast, and he didn’t think she was going to answer. ‘Because when I was eighteen I auditioned for Juilliard,’ she finally admitted on a little sigh. ‘Or I should say I tried to audition.’ She kept looking downwards as she continued, ‘I’d sent an audition tape, and I was invited in for a live audition, which felt huge. It was my dream, to play music. I’ve taken lessons since I was a small child.’ She bit her lip, and Rafael held his breath, waiting.

‘It was a big step for me, to send the tape in. I know it might not seem like much, but I was so shy, especially after...well, after my parents’ divorce. Music was a personal, even sacred thing to me. It still is.’

‘So what happened?’ Rafael asked. He felt anxious on her behalf, wanting to hear a happy ending to the story, even though he knew there wasn’t one.

‘I froze.’ She let out a shaky laugh. ‘I got there and I couldn’t play. It was as if I was paralysed. I literally couldn’t do it. The examiners were kind at first, but then they were impatient, and then I was dismissed. And that was that.’

‘But why haven’t you played since then?’

‘I just couldn’t. It’s as if... I don’t know. I just lost it. The desire as well as the ability. If I played now you’d probably cover your ears.’

‘I wouldn’t,’ Rafael said, meaning it utterly.

Allegra stroked the cello again and then closed the case. ‘Anyway, silly as it seems, I still like having my cello, so thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’ Rafael was silent, trying to sift through his emotions—the sorrow he felt for the shy, vulnerable young woman Allegra had been. Empathy, because her father had turned on her just as he’d turned on Rafael’s father, his father, and just as with his father, his family, that rejection had had consequences. Protectiveness, too—because he never wanted her to feel that kind of anxiety again. And lastly, stronger than either of those two, desire, different and deeper than any he’d known before. He wanted her to play again. He wanted her to play for him.

But what on earth made him think he deserved such a privilege?

* * *

The next week passed in a lovely haze. Allegra felt herself relaxing into everything, especially the time she spent with Rafael. While he still spent a fair amount of time in his study, or going to Palermo on business, he made an effort to make time for her.

One afternoon when Allegra’s ankle was feeling better they walked into the nearby hill town to shop at the market. Allegra enjoyed the simple pleasure of inspecting fat, red tomatoes and juicy melons while Rafael followed behind her, a wicker basket looped over one arm.

The ancient, cobbled streets were charming, and the view of the twisted olive trees and dusty valleys below truly magnificent.

Rafael suggested they have a picnic, and so they bought salami and bread, cheese and olives and grapes, and took it all to a stretch of grass overlooking the valley.

‘This is wonderful,’ Allegra said as she stretched out on the grass and Rafael fed her bread and cheese.

‘As long as you don’t get sunburned.’

‘Don’t fuss,’ she chided gently, because she knew Rafael was trying, and it tugged at his heart. At moments like this, with everything relaxed between them and the sun shining benevolently above, she felt a marriage between them could work. Maybe it could even be wonderful.

Was she falling in love with him?

The question reverberated through her. When Rafael was kind and gentle and tender, she felt it would be easy to fall in love with him. Easy and amazing. But what if he changed? He had before, and she didn’t know whether she could trust him yet. More and more she realised there were reasons Rafael acted the way he did—reasons he hadn’t shared with her yet. Although they’d talked about many innocuous things, he hadn’t spoken again of his family, and she hadn’t asked.

Now, lying on the grass, feeling sleepy and secure, she decided to broach the topic. ‘Rafael...what happened between your father and mine?’

Rafael tensed, his gaze turning guarded. ‘Why are you asking that now?’

‘Because it seems important. And because the more time we spend with each other, the more I want to have no secrets, no hidden things.’

Rafael was silent for a long moment. ‘And if you don’t like the answer?’ he finally said, his voice toneless, his gaze shuttered.

Allegra felt the first stirrings of unease. ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

‘Because your father treated mine unfairly. Very unfairly.’

Already she was prickling. ‘How do you know—?’

‘I know.’ His gaze was opaque as he turned to look at her. ‘But even that much is hard for you to hear.’

‘Yes...but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.’ Allegra took a deep breath. ‘I know he wasn’t perfect. Of course I know that. Look how he treated me.’

‘Yet you’re still protective of him.’

‘I never wanted to hate him.’ She looked away. ‘Maybe because I always hoped he’d come back. But he won’t now, and I want you to tell me. Please, Rafael.’ She held her breath, waiting, and finally Rafael spoke.

‘Twenty years ago our fathers were in business together.’

‘The mobile technology you mentioned.’

‘Yes. Your father provided the science, my father provided the parts. They were partners, friends.’ He paused, his expression still shuttered, although Allegra heard the emotion in his voice. Felt the tension in his body next to hers.

‘And what happened?’

‘Someone embezzled a great deal of money from the company account. Your father blamed mine.’

She searched his face, looking for clues. ‘But you don’t think it was him?’

‘I know it wasn’t,’ Rafael returned swiftly. ‘I know. But your father insisted he had it on good authority, and he let it be known my father was a cheat, even though he couldn’t prove it. No one would do business with him any longer. Within months he was ruined, and we were destitute.’

Shock sliced through her, and for a moment she struggled with what to say. How to respond. ‘That’s why you bought out the company.’

Rafael’s mouth firmed. ‘Justice was served.’

She sat up, hugging her knees, her mind still spinning. ‘Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?’

‘I didn’t know if you would believe me. And,’ Rafael admitted, ‘I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew you loved your father, even if that love was misplaced. Things didn’t feel strong enough between us...’ He paused, searching her face. ‘Do you believe me?’

‘Yes,’ Allegra said after a moment. ‘I do.’ And she ached for all Rafael and his family had endured. ‘But I also believe that my father must have genuinely thought your father was in the wrong. I don’t think he would have acted in such a manner without good cause.’

Rafael made a sound of disgust. ‘And do you still think he abandoned you with good cause, Allegra? Why can’t you see the man for what he is? Was?’

She recoiled, shocked by the vitriol in his voice. ‘What does it matter to you if I choose to believe he was a good man?’ she demanded stiffly. She felt hurt, and she wasn’t even sure why. ‘Why can’t you let me love him still?’

‘Because in my mind he is a demon,’ Rafael returned flatly. ‘And I will never forgive him.’

They didn’t talk all the way back to the villa. The last few days had been so lovely, so promising, and now it all felt flat and strained. Over the last few days she’d actually been starting to care about Rafael. She still cared, which was why their argument hurt so much. And, Allegra acknowledged that evening as she lay in bed unable to sleep, it hurt because she know there was truth in Rafael’s words. Why did she have to believe her father loved her, when everything pointed to the opposite? Why did she cling to that frail, pointless hope?

Sighing now, Allegra shifted restlessly in bed. The baby kicked, and she placed one hand on her bump, taking comfort from those fluttery movements. Tomorrow they were going to Palermo for a scan, and she was looking forward to the reassurance of an ultrasound, that lovely whoosh of their son’s heartbeat filling the air.

But tonight she wasn’t thinking about their baby. She was thinking about them.

The sudden, soft strains of music floating from downstairs made Allegra still in her restless movements. It almost sounded like...

Holding her breath, she rose from her bed and slipped on the silky wrap that passed for a dressing gown in this hot weather. Even at two in the morning the air inside the villa held a remnant of the day’s heat, although the tiles were cool under Allegra’s bare feet as she made her way downstairs, following the haunting strains of the cello she heard.

Downstairs all was dark save for a single lamp burning in the lounge. Allegra hesitated on the threshold of the room; she saw Rafael sprawled in a chair, his long legs stretched out in front of him, his button-down shirt several more buttons open than usual. His hair was rumpled and a tumbler of whisky dangled from his fingertips.

‘It’s Shostakovich,’ Allegra said softly, and he glanced up, his eyes bloodshot and bleary. He was, she realised, a little drunk.

‘The third movement of the cello sonata,’ he agreed. ‘It reminds me of you.’

It was the piece they’d listened to before they’d made love. Allegra was jolted to the core by the fact that he was listening to it now—that he’d remembered, that he cared. ‘Why do you need reminding?’ she asked softly. ‘I’m right here.’

‘Are you?’ The question hung in the air between them, hovered like a ghost. Rafael gave her a long look before he glanced away, taking a large swallow of his drink.

‘Is this about this afternoon?’ Allegra asked after a moment. ‘Our argument?’

‘What do you mean, this?’

‘You’re sitting downstairs, listening to sad music and drinking whisky.’

Rafael looked away. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’

‘I couldn’t either.’ She paused, then decided to up the ante, even if part of her shied away from being so vulnerable. Admitting so much. ‘The truth is, I think you’re right, at least partly. I want to believe my father still loved me because the alternative...’ She stopped, catching her breath, her heart starting to thud. Confessions like this were hard. ‘The alternative is he didn’t love me, and that means... I’m unlovable.’

Rafael lifted his head to skewer her with a burning stare. ‘You are not unlovable, Allegra.’

‘My own father?’ She tried to keep her voice light but it trembled. ‘Come on. Parents love their children. That’s a given.’

‘Maybe your father was incapable of love.’

‘You really think he was a monster,’ Allegra said slowly. Rafael didn’t answer. She stared at him, trying to divine something from the resolute, almost resigned set of his features. ‘I don’t want this to come between us, Rafael. Whatever happened...it’s in the past. Let’s leave it there.’

‘You were the one who wanted to know.’

‘And now I do.’ She drew a quick breath. ‘Is there anything more? To know?’

A pause, infinite, endless. ‘No,’ Rafael said finally. ‘Nothing important.’

Allegra supposed she should feel relieved but she didn’t. She felt anxious and also sad because, whatever Rafael had just said, she sensed that there was still something he was holding back. She could see it in his face, the set of his shoulders. He was carrying a world of sorrow, and she didn’t understand it. She didn’t know how to comfort him. But she wanted to.

‘Our son is kicking,’ she said softly. She pressed both her hands against her bump, laughing a little as their baby kicked against her palm. ‘He’s a fighter for sure. He’s kicking me right now.’ She looked up at him, a tremulous smile curving her lips. ‘Do you want to feel him?’ He hadn’t felt their baby kick since that night after the opera. They’d barely touched at all since then. It felt like a lifetime ago.

‘Yes.’ The single word was certain and utterly heartfelt. Rafael tossed his empty glass onto the table before rising from his chair and coming across the room to kneel in front of her. The warm wash of light caught the bronze strands in his dark hair, the glint of stubble on his jaw. Allegra held her breath, conscious of his closeness, his heat, the yearning inside her to reach him, comfort him. She touched his hair, threading her fingers through its softness, drawing him closer to her.

Slowly Rafael slid his hands along her bump, the warmth of his palms seeping through the thin silk of her nightgown and dressing gown. ‘You’re bigger,’ he said softly. ‘Even in just a few weeks.’

‘He is growing,’ Allegra answered with a little laugh. ‘And I’m eating better.’

‘You’re beautiful,’ Rafael answered, his tone almost fierce. ‘I’ve never seen anything so beautiful as you—as this.’ His palms curved around her belly, cradling their unborn child. Allegra’s heart bumped unsteadily as desire and something deeper flooded through her.

And then their baby kicked, a sharp flutter, almost making her wince. Rafael laughed aloud. ‘That was him.’

‘Yes.’

‘It feels so strong. Stronger than before.’

‘Yes, he’s quite a kicker.’

‘He needs to be strong. He needs to be a fighter, with what’s ahead of him.’ Allegra thought of the planned surgery, the frightening uncertainty amidst the longed-for news—and the knowledge, sweet and sure, that Rafael would be by her side for all of it. Dependence—trust—could be a wonderful thing.

‘Yes. We all have to be strong,’ she whispered.

‘It will be all right, Allegra.’ Rafael’s hands continued to cup her belly as he looked up at her, his gaze burning and intent. ‘I’ll make sure it will be all right.’

Tenderness flooded through her at his fierce expression. She knew he meant every word, and while the future held no promises or guarantees, she believed him. She believed in him, in his sincerity, and that faith compelled her to touch her hand to his cheek, her fingers smoothing across the gentle abrasion of his stubbled jaw. ‘I know you will, Rafael.’

A brighter light blazed in his eyes and he turned his face so his lips brushed her palm. A shudder went through Allegra; her body shook with the force of it, and her breath came out in a ragged gasp. To be touched again, and so sweetly, so tenderly...

‘Rafael...’ His name slipped from her lips, and then he opened his mouth and sucked on the tip of her thumb, and her whole body twanged like a bow that had been beautifully plucked. Around them the music swelled, a crescendo of sound to complement the one of sensation Allegra could feel inside her, building, building...

Rafael let go of her thumb to turn back to her, and Allegra didn’t know who moved first. With his hands on her belly and their baby between them their bodies bumped together, mouths clashing, hands tangling. The kiss went on and on, desperate, urgent and hungry, a symphony whose notes played their sweet music through her body.

Rafael’s hands went from bump to her hair and then to her shoulders and breasts, touching her everywhere, and yet it wasn’t enough. She needed him, needed now more than ever to feel the closeness, the connection she’d felt once before. And she thought he needed it too.

Then he pulled away, just a little, but it was enough to make her cry out with the loss of it, of him.

In the shadowy light from the lamp she saw his face, his expression resolute, ready, eyes like fire, a silent question waiting for her yes.

She placed one trembling hand against his chest, felt the steady, comforting thud of his heart. Pressed. Rafael glanced down at her hand, fingers spread out, seeking. He covered it with his own. They remained like that for a suspended second, everything about to tumble into free fall.

And then he bent his head, his lips a whisper away from hers, still waiting for her response. Her yes. And she gave it, leaning forward to kiss him deeply, her hands tangling in his hair, the action a promise, a vow.

He tensed under her hands and mouth, his body like a bow while she was the strings. And then the music began, a glorious symphony, as his hands came up to grip her shoulders hard and his mouth opened under hers, turning her whisper of a kiss into a shout, a plea, a demand—she answered all of them with her mouth, her body, her heart. An offering of everything she had.

His mouth moved on hers as he propelled her across the room and then up the stairs; she stumbled on a step and with a muffled groan against her mouth Rafael scooped her up into his arms, drawing her against his chest. Allegra nestled there, feeling both precious and small, as Rafael carried her easily up the stairs and then down the hall to the master bedroom.

He put her down gently, steadying her as she swayed against him. The room was dark, moonlight spilling through the latticed shutters over the window, and they stood there for a moment, silent, breathing, his hands on her arms.

Allegra couldn’t see the expression on his face but she felt the emotion thrum through him as he tightened his grip on her shoulders.

‘Are you sure?’

Everything so far had been a resounding and overwhelming yes, and yet still he asked. Allegra placed one hand on his cheek, her thumb smoothing the line of his jaw, learning him, letting him know how sure she was. ‘Yes,’ she said simply. ‘Yes.’

He didn’t ask again. He simply pulled her towards him, his smile gleaming whitely in the dark, and then her clothes fell away; she kicked off her pyjama shorts as Rafael slid her T-shirt over her head.

His breath hissed between his teeth as he looked at her, and Allegra didn’t feel self-conscious or big with her belly on display. She didn’t feel vulnerable or exposed. Under the heat of his gaze she felt only beautiful.

His hands followed his hot gaze, smoothing over her dips and curves, learning the feel of her with slow, thorough deliberation. She shivered under his touch, his fingers sending sparks along her skin, and then she grew bold enough to touch him, hands flat upon his chest, fingers spreading and seeking the sculpted ridges of his muscles.

‘I like that,’ Rafael whispered. He remained still under her questing fingers, and with shaking hands she slipped the first shirt button from its hole, and then another and another, until his chest was bare and she was pushing his shirt off his bronzed shoulders, revelling in his body, satiny skin over hard muscle. She hadn’t touched him very much that first night. She’d been too overwhelmed by it all, both the pleasure and the grief. Now she revelled in the hot, silky feel of him, running her hand across his chest, down to his abdomen, fingertips brushing the waistband of his trousers.

Rafael let out a groan and Allegra laughed softly, amazed at how she was able to affect him. Now she felt powerful as well as beautiful.

‘You were beautiful before,’ he murmured as he reached for her, hands cupping her breasts, thumbs sliding across their aching peaks. ‘And you are even more beautiful now, carrying my child.’

‘You make me feel beautiful,’ Allegra whispered, and then he was bending his head and Allegra slid her fingers through his hair as his lips sought and found her, causing a lightning bolt of pleasure to blaze deep down inside.

He scooped her up again—she felt boneless, weightless—and carried her to the bed. Deposited her on top of the duvet, the silk cover slithering and sliding underneath her. He shucked off his trousers and boxers, leaving her breathless. She’d seen him naked before but the sight still overwhelmed and undid her. He lay next to her and drew her into his arms, their bodies bumping and touching in all sorts of places, making her shudder. It felt so much. She’d known it would; it was why she’d resisted this before, because the intensity felt exquisite and painful at the same time, and she had to brace herself for the tidal wave, to keep herself from falling, drowning.

She’d been telling herself he wouldn’t feel the same way, that sex wasn’t as important or sacred for him, but in that moment as his fingers touched her face and his body arced into hers she believed it was. He couldn’t touch her like this, give of himself like this, without it meaning something. She felt it in his kiss, in his gentle hands, in the love he lavished on her body, finding and plundering all of her secret places.

And then—yes, finally—he was inside her, so big and right she gasped out loud and he lifted his head, his gaze blazing down into hers. ‘Are you all right? I didn’t hurt you?’

She clasped her legs around him, pulling him deeper into herself, accepting him fully, feeling complete. ‘I’m all right,’ she said. ‘I’m...’ But she had no words, because the feelings were coming faster and stronger now, wave after wave as Rafael began to move and Allegra matched his rhythm, reaching, reaching...

And finding. Finally, gloriously finding, her body shuddering with the force of her climax, Rafael’s face buried in her neck as he murmured words of endearment and promise, their bodies intertwined in every way possible. How could you be this close to another human being, Allegra wondered, and not fall in love?

She tensed, though, as their heart rates slowed and Rafael, who had been bracing himself above her so as not to press against her bump, rolled onto his back. The sudden whoosh of cool air on her heated skin felt like an unwelcome wake-up call.

What now?

She waited, barely daring to breathe, afraid of this moment and what had it had meant before. Would he dismiss her from his bed? Leave her here alone? Then Rafael reached out one arm and hooked it around her shoulders, drawing her against him so her bump was pressed against his side, her knees snugging into the backs of his thighs. Allegra expelled a silent sigh of relief. It was going to be okay. More than okay.

Gently Rafael caressed her bump, his palm curving around the taut roundness of her belly. He laughed softly as their baby kicked.

‘I guess something woke him up.’ A smile in his voice, in her heart.

‘I guess something did,’ she answered, and wrapped her arm around his chest.