Читать книгу Modern Romance September 2017 Books 5 - 8 - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 23
ОглавлениеALLEGRA GAZED AROUND the nursery with a smile of satisfaction. She’d made decorating the room her project over the last week, and she was proud of what she’d accomplished. Pale blue walls with stencilled white elephants cavorting across them, and a cot bed in blond oak with fresh blue sheets ready and waiting, although she didn’t actually know when their son would sleep in this room.
The doctors had said he’d be in the hospital for several weeks at least, and then she planned to keep him in a bassinet next to the bed for easy feeding in the night. Still, she was excited about the room, could picture herself in the oak rocker by the window, her son cradled against her chest, sunlight streaming through the window, the perfect picture of familial happiness. Almost.
A sigh escaping her, Allegra moved to the window and looked out at the dusty hills. It hadn’t rained in weeks and the air felt stuffy. Now in her sixth month of pregnancy, she felt huge and awkward and more than a little grumpy. She rested one hand on her belly, trying yet again to banish the fears that skirted her mind, threatened to swamp her heart.
For the last few weeks she and Rafael had reached a holding pattern of spending their nights together—and what wonderful nights they were—and the days mostly apart. While she couldn’t fault Rafael for his solicitude and kind concern, the remoteness she sensed in him, the careful emotional distance he always kept between them, made her want to scream.
She wanted more. She tried for more, but at every turn Rafael foiled her obvious conversational gambits, her clumsy attempts to increase their intimacy. Was this what love was? Because she thought—she feared—that she loved him. Or at least that she could let him, if he’d let her. If he opened up.
But since that first incredible night he’d stayed remote. He didn’t even spend the whole night with her when they made love. He held her for a little while afterwards, but he never slept with her and every morning Allegra woke to an empty bed and an aching heart.
She wanted more than this. She needed more than this. After a lifetime of trying to avoid intimacy and love, here she was, desperate for it. The very situation she’d been wary of had happened, and it felt as if there was nothing she could do about it.
‘I have to go to Naples.’
Allegra started in surprise at the sight of Rafael in the doorway of the nursery. She couldn’t tell anything from his usual, closed-off expression, but even so she felt a ripple of alarm. ‘Naples? Why? Is it business?’ He’d gone to Palermo several times a week, and Milan and Rome once each.
There was a slight, taut pause. ‘No.’
Allegra frowned. ‘No? Then...what? I mean, why?’
Rafael didn’t answer for a long moment. Allegra thought he wouldn’t. ‘My sister,’ he said finally, shocking her.
‘Your sister...but...’ She trailed off, unsure what to say. She’d thought he’d lost his sister, that she’d died. He’d spoken about her as if she was gone, and so Allegra had assumed the worst.
‘She’s not well,’ Rafael said abruptly. ‘I need to...go to her.’
Allegra stared at him, sensing the dark undercurrent of anxiety under his terse tone, and she ached to help. Wanted to comfort him, but knew he wouldn’t let her. And yet...if he kept her apart in this, what hope was there? How could she ever get closer to him?
‘Let me come with you,’ she said, part entreaty, part demand, and Rafael’s face shuttered.
‘No.’
‘Why not?’ Allegra challenged. ‘Please don’t keep shutting me out, Rafael, and pushing me away. If we’re going to have a child together, if we’re going to marry...’
‘You are being melodramatic. I haven’t pushed you away.’
‘Not at night,’ Allegra agreed, lifting her chin. ‘Not in bed. But in every other way you have. You know you have. I keep trying to reach you, and you keep refusing me. Please, Rafael, don’t refuse me in this. I want to support you...’
Rafael stared at her for a long moment, his expression both hard and bleak, and then he finally gave one quick, terse nod. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘But I need to leave within the hour.’
* * *
He shouldn’t have let her come. A deep unease settled into Rafael’s gut as he climbed into the helicopter after Allegra. He hadn’t intended to let her come, of course he hadn’t. The last thing he wanted was for Allegra to see Angelica, see his shame.
But, he thought with a resolve tinged with despair, perhaps it was better this way. Perhaps, instead of having to maintain that careful distance, it would yawn between them, gape wide, because finally Allegra would see just what he was and how he’d failed.
The call had come that morning, from a doctor in Naples who had found his sister’s ID in her bag, as well as his name and phone number. She’d been discovered in an alley, unconscious, unresponsive. The last time the doctor had warned that another overdose could kill her. Angelica didn’t seem to care, and Rafael feared that was because she wanted to die. His father’s death had been quick, a single shot; his mother a slow, deliberate wasting away. Angelica was choosing self-destruction. And it was all his fault.
‘Is your sister ill?’ Allegra asked, shouting over the sound of the helicopter that would take them to Palermo for the short flight to Naples.
‘In a manner of speaking.’ Rafael turned to look out the window to avoid answering any more of Allegra’s questions. She would see soon enough what Angelica was like. What he was like.
And then? The unease he’d been feeling deepened into dark regret. Then things would be changed between them for ever.
They didn’t talk much on the flight to Naples; Allegra seemed to sense his mood and kept quiet, while Rafael kept his head down, his eyes on his tablet, dealing with work issues.
A car was waiting for them when they emerged from the airport, blinking in the afternoon sunlight, the muted roar of the city’s traffic, the raucous honking of horns and exclamations of passers-by hitting Rafael like a smack in the face. He didn’t like the busy, dirty streets of Naples. He’d offered a dozen times or more to pay for Angelica to move somewhere more congenial, but she’d always refused.
He gave the address of the hospital to the driver and then leaned back in the seat. Allegra looked at him in concern.
‘Won’t you tell me what’s going on?’ she asked quietly.
‘What is there to tell?’ Rafael shrugged, dismissing the question with a lift of his eyebrows. ‘My sister is in hospital.’ He paused, pressing his lips together. ‘A drug overdose.’
He could tell he’d shocked her with that one. And that was just the beginning.
‘What...?’ Allegra’s face crumpled with sympathy. ‘Oh, Rafael...’
‘Don’t.’ He shrugged away her compassion. ‘It happens often enough. And there’s nothing I’ve been able to do about it.’
Allegra lapsed into silence and Rafael looked away. He really shouldn’t have brought her, but perhaps it would, painfully, be for the best.
* * *
Allegra’s mouth was dry, her heart pinging in her chest, as she followed Rafael into the hospital lift. He pressed a button and then folded his arms over his chest, biceps bulging, face like an iron mask.
She’d been surprised and gratified when he’d agreed to let her come, but since he’d made that decision he’d seemed only to regret it, and he’d been colder and more remote that ever. She wondered if asking to come had been a mistake, and if Rafael would simply use this as a way to push her even further away.
The doors of the lift opened and Rafael strode out, while Allegra hurried to keep up. Then he was tapping perfunctorily on the door of a room before opening it and slipping inside. Allegra followed him.
The woman in the bed was asleep, dark lashes sweeping gaunt cheeks. Allegra stifled a gasp at the heart-wrenching sight of her—scars on each wrist and bruises and needle puncture marks scoring her arms in dozens of places. Her hair was dirty and tangled, her limbs scrawny, tendons sticking out like ropes. Rafael let out a shuddering breath. The woman’s eyes fluttered opened and then focused on Rafael.
‘You shouldn’t have come,’ she rasped out, her eyes burning like coals as she glared at him.
‘Of course I came.’ Rafael gazed at her for a moment, his expression closed and yet his eyes full of pain. ‘Why, Angelica?’
Angelica shook her head, her eyes closed again. ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘Let me help you,’ Rafael said, his voice taking on a strident edge. ‘Please. There is a room waiting at the best clinic in Europe, in Switzerland. It’s luxurious, Angelica, and discreet. You’d want for nothing.’
Angelica shook her head again, without opening her eyes. Allegra’s heart started to splinter. She hated seeing Rafael like this, knowing how helpless, how hopeless, he must feel.
Rafael pressed his lips together, staring at his sister in a heart-breaking mix of grief and fury. ‘I’ve only wanted to help you, Angelica. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’
Angelica opened her eyes, and Allegra stifled a gasp at the hatred and anger she saw in their depths. ‘Help me? When have you ever helped me?’ she demanded in a raw and ragged voice. Rafael flinched but didn’t reply. Didn’t defend himself. ‘Do you know what he did?’ Angelica demanded, turning to Allegra. She stared, speechless, unsure how to respond, how to feel. ‘Do you?’ Angelica’s voice rung out. Allegra licked her lips.
‘I... I don’t...’
‘He killed our father,’ Angelica spat. ‘He killed him. My brother only ever thought of himself. He didn’t...he couldn’t...’ She turned away, sobs tearing her chest.
Allegra had no idea what to say. She didn’t believe Angelica, the words of a vindictive and desperate drug addict, and yet...
Why wasn’t Rafael saying anything?
‘You can’t deny it, can you?’ Angelica said, her voice still coming in ragged gasps.
‘No,’ Rafael said after a moment. ‘I can’t.’
Shock rippled through Allegra. Rafael shot her a cold, hard glance. ‘Now you know,’ he said, but Allegra didn’t feel she knew anything.
‘Leave me,’ Angelica demanded in a low voice. She seemed drained, lifeless. ‘Leave me, I beg of you.’
Rafael gazed at his sister for a full minute while Allegra watched, her heart thudding in her chest. Then he turned and walked out of the room.
Allegra followed, her heart aching now, everything aching. ‘Rafael...’ she began when they’d entered a small waiting room, but he shook his head.
‘Don’t. I shouldn’t have brought you here.’
‘I asked to be brought here,’ Allegra answered. ‘I want to share your sorrows along with your joys. Please, Rafael...’
Rafael just shook his head again, pacing the small waiting room like a panther in a cage.
‘How long has she been like this?’ Allegra asked quietly.
Rafael didn’t still his stride. ‘Since she was fifteen. A year after my father died.’
‘How...how did he die?’
He lifted his tormented gaze to hers, his mouth twisting. ‘You heard her.’
‘I don’t believe her.’
‘Don’t you?’
‘No,’ Allegra said, but her voice wavered. She didn’t believe Angelica, not really, but she knew something had happened, something that tormented Rafael, that made him the way he was, dark and distant, and she was afraid to find out what it was.
‘Well, you should,’ Rafael said, and turned away.
‘Why don’t you tell me your version?’ Allegra asked quietly. ‘What really happened?’
‘What really happened?’ He stopped, raking his hands through his hair and then dropping them in one abrupt movement. ‘My father killed himself. I was the last to see him.’
Uncertainty mingled with sorrowful relief rushed through her. ‘Then you didn’t kill him...’
‘I drove him to his suicide. And then I wasn’t able to stop him from pulling the trigger.’
‘Oh, Rafael...’
‘And my mother and my sister blamed me. They blamed me, and they should have blamed me, because...because I couldn’t...’
‘But it wasn’t—’
‘You know what I was saying to him before he killed himself?’ Rafael didn’t wait for her to reply, not that she had any idea what to say. ‘I was complaining about having to leave my private school, because there was no more money. My father had lost everything, everything, and I was whinging about school.’ He shook his head slowly.
‘Rafael, you were a boy...’
‘A stupid, selfish boy. And it broke my father. He left the room and locked himself in his study...’ He stopped, shaking his head again. ‘But there’s no need to talk of it. Angelica won’t see me again. You might as well return to the villa. I never should have brought you in your condition.’
‘I’m not an invalid.’ Her heart was aching, aching for this man she loved. And yet Rafael’s expression was stony, and when she reached out a hand he jerked away from her.
‘I’ll arrange your flight.’
‘What...what about you?’
Rafael shook his head. ‘I won’t come with you. I have business to see to.’
Allegra stared at him helplessly, knowing that Rafael was taking another step away from her, and this one far worse than any before. Yet what could she do?
‘Please don’t do this, Rafael,’ she whispered, but he was already getting out his phone.
* * *
It was better this way. Rafael continued to tell himself that as he arranged Allegra’s flight and saw her onto it. She looked at him with a face full of hurt and desperation, but he steeled himself against it.
She might want to make explanations, excuses, but he couldn’t. And he wasn’t about to open either of them to more pain. What it meant for their future, he didn’t know. But now he knew he needed distance. Space.
He stayed in Naples for another two days, trying to reason with Angelica, but she wouldn’t even talk to him. He called Allegra, and was reassured she had returned safely to the villa.
‘When are you coming back?’ she asked, her voice soft and sad.
‘I don’t know,’ Rafael answered tersely. ‘I have business in Milan and Rome.’
‘I miss you,’ Allegra said quietly, and he didn’t answer. But after the call he spent several long minutes staring out the window at the dark night.
‘I miss you too,’ he said into the empty silence of his hotel room.
