Читать книгу Modern Romance September 2017 Books 5 - 8 - Кейт Хьюит - Страница 22

CHAPTER TWELVE

HE COULD SMELL THE BLOOD. Sharp, metallic. He didn’t recognise it, though, didn’t understand as he pushed the now broken splintered door open with his fingertips and took a step inside the room.

‘Papa?’

His voice was soft, scared, the voice of a child even though he was sixteen years old.

‘Papa...’

He saw his father’s hands first, slack, hanging down, fingers dangling. Then the drops of blood on the desk, a delicate spray, making him think ink had spilled. As if anyone used ink any more, let alone a bottle of bright red. And then his gaze moved upwards and he saw his father’s shattered face. Heard a scream rip from his throat—except it wasn’t his scream, it was his mother’s; she stood behind him, hands raised to her blood-drained face, and the awful unholy sound went on and on.

‘Rafael... Rafael!’

The hand shaking his shoulder woke him up; he came out of the dream like a bullet from a gun, the screaming still echoing in his ears. Next to him Allegra’s face was as pale as his mother’s had been, pale and frightened.

‘Rafael...’ she whispered, and he shook off her hand, roughly, and saw her flinch. Hated himself, but he couldn’t keep from doing it, from turning away. He swung his legs out of his bed and strode to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

In the mirror his face was pale, his forehead beaded with icy sweat. Bile churned in his stomach and he thought he might be sick. Thankfully he swallowed it down, bracing his hands on the pedestal sink as he lowered his head and took several steadying breaths.

He hadn’t had that dream in years. A decade, even. He hadn’t let himself, had closed that part of his mind right off. Don’t think of it, because if you did you’d be lost, lost for ever, no coming back. He knew that. Knew if he remembered how he’d begged, begged his father... You couldn’t go back from that. You couldn’t recover, and so he refused to think of it.

Except, he acknowledged as he looked at his pale reflection in the mirror, he thought of it all the time. Not consciously, but it remained, a canker inside him, destroying everything good. Allegra had asked how her father could leave her, if he’d loved her. Rafael knew the answer to that in his own case times a thousand.

Because he didn’t love me. Because I couldn’t keep him from destroying himself. Because it’s all my fault.

He’d seen how his mother had gone, and his sister too. They’d been swallowed up by their nightmares, their memories, until there had been nothing left but a pale husk of a self, and then nothing at all. He couldn’t let it happen to him. But why the dream, why now?

Slowly he lifted his head and stared at his reflection. The answer was right there in his dazed face, the acidic churn in his belly. Allegra. Their lovemaking had been both sweet and powerful, and it had woken up long-dead parts of him, parts of him that remembered and felt and feared. Parts of him that he’d iced over with thoughts of justice, kept frozen with cold, cold fury. Now everything was waking up, a spring of the soul, and this was the result. Dreams he couldn’t bear to have. Memories he didn’t dare think about. Weakness.

He turned the taps on full blast and washed his face, scrubbed hard as if it would make a difference, and then turned them off again. He stared in the mirror, his eyes opaque, hard, and then he nodded once and left the bathroom.

Allegra was curled up on her side, her back to him, one hand cupping her bump. Thankfully she’d fallen asleep, but even in sleep her face looked sad, her mouth puckered, a frown feathering her brow. Rafael reached out to smooth a red-gold curl away from her cheek and then stopped. No need for that.

Tonight had been intense, and now he needed to get things back the way they had been, comfortable, enjoyable, but not threatening. No danger of scars being reopened, him bleeding again, bleeding right out. Take a step back, make it safe. That was what he needed to do...and preferably without hurting Allegra too much. But hurting Allegra couldn’t be his main concern any more. Keeping those memories locked tight away was.

* * *

Allegra woke slowly the next morning, blinking in the sunlight streaming from the windows, her body aching in delicious places. For a wonderful moment all she remembered was the pleasure, intense and overpowering, of being with Rafael. The way he’d held her, moved inside her...

Then another memory slammed into the first, leaving her breathless. The nightmare he’d had, the way he’d shut her out. She turned and saw that his side of the bed was empty, the duvet pulled tight across, as if he’d never been there. Had he even come back to bed?

Slowly she got out of bed, sorting through possibilities. What should she do now? How should she act? Despite what they’d shared together last night, she didn’t yet know how to handle this moment. Whether to press or pull away. She pulled on the thick terrycloth robe hanging from a hook in the bathroom and then gathered her clothes up, tiptoeing back to her room. Downstairs she could Maria humming in the kitchen, Salvatore’s tuneless whistle. Nothing from Rafael.

Back in her bedroom she showered and dressed; her mind sifting through memories, options. What to do? How to feel? Taking a deep breath, she went in search of the father of her child.

She found him in his study, forehead furrowed as he gazed at his laptop, his headphone set dangling from his neck. Allegra stood in the doorway for a moment, an ache in her heart, in her soul. She wanted to walk easily into the room and plop herself into his lap; she wanted to smooth away the furrows on his forehead and kiss that lovely, hard, mobile mouth. She wanted it to feel natural, right, and yet she simply stood there, wondering and waiting.

‘Did you have a conference call?’ she finally asked, her voice high and nervous as she nodded towards the headset.

Rafael’s gaze flicked towards her and then away, revealing nothing. Giving nothing. ‘Yes.’

‘Are you able to manage most of your business from here?’ He’d only gone into Palermo a few times over the last weeks.

‘I’ll need to start going into Palermo more often.’ He turned back to his laptop in a way that felt like a dismissal. ‘As well as Rome and Milan.’

‘I could come.’ She kept her voice light. ‘I’d like to come.’ Rafael didn’t answer, and Allegra took a deep breath. ‘Rafael...about last night...’

His mouth tightened, his gaze still on the screen. ‘Let’s not do a post-mortem.’

‘Post-mortem?’ Hurt flashed through her. ‘Really, that’s what you’d call it?’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘I’m not sure I do.’

Finally Rafael lifted his gaze from his laptop, but then Allegra wished he hadn’t. His eyes were opaque, fathomless, hard. ‘Last night was pleasurable, Allegra, for both of us. That’s all that matters. Let’s leave it at that.’

‘Rafael...’ She took a deep breath, dared. ‘What about everything we talked about? What about the dream you had?’ As soon as she said the words she wished she hadn’t. An emotion flashed across his face like quicksilver, gone before she could decipher it, but she knew it hadn’t been good.

‘Forget about that,’ Rafael said flatly, and as he turned back to his screen Allegra knew she’d truly been dismissed. Still she wouldn’t give up that easily.

‘I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon in Palermo,’ she said. ‘An ultrasound. Will you come with me?’

He hesitated, and for that heart-stopping second she thought he wouldn’t. That he was turning away from her and their child completely, for a reason she could not understand. ‘Yes,’ Rafael said at last. ‘Of course I will.’

* * *

Rafael sat tensely by Allegra as the technician squirted cold, clear gel onto her stomach. They’d barely spoken on the drive into Palermo, which should have suited Rafael perfectly but instead made him feel restless and irritable.

He didn’t know what he wanted. The remnants of his old dream still clung to him, ghost fragments he couldn’t shake. They made him want to keep a little distance between him and Allegra, but another part of him howled in protest. Hated hurting her...and hurting himself.

‘Everything looks good,’ the doctor said as he prodded the ultrasound wand on Allegra’s burgeoning bump. ‘Baby is the right size...a growing boy.’

The fuzzy black and white shape on the ultrasound screen looked like a proper baby. Head, body, hands, feet, even fingers and toes. He was sucking his thumb and kicking his legs and the sight of him made a pressure build inside Rafael, a pressure he couldn’t even begin to understand. His hands curled into fists at his sides and he had to fight to keep his breathing even.

What was happening to him?

He felt too much. Happy. Thankful. Afraid. All of it combined inside him, making it hard even to speak. He focused on practicalities instead, helping Allegra up from the table, listening and nodding as the doctor asked them to book another appointment in four weeks’ time.

‘What shall we do now?’ Allegra asked as they left the doctor’s office for one of the city’s sweeping boulevards.

‘Do?’ Rafael looked at her cautiously. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’m sick of being stuck at the villa,’ Allegra said. ‘It’s lovely, of course, but I’ve never been to Palermo and I’d like to see it properly. Can we look around a bit?’

Rafael looked at the tremulous hope on Allegra’s lovely face and knew he’d have to be a monster to refuse. ‘Yes,’ he said, the single word drawn from him with reluctance. ‘I suppose.’

For the next few hours they strolled down boulevards to squares with sparkling fountains, explored narrow alleys with charming shops and market stalls, and ended up at a café facing the lovely Piazza Pretoria, with its iconic fountain.

Allegra had kept up a steady stream of innocuous conversation the whole time, and Rafael hadn’t done much more than offer monosyllabic replies. He was trying to maintain that little bit of distance but it was hard...and becoming harder with every moment.

As they left the café Allegra bent over to reach her bag under the table and the sound of fabric splitting rent the air.

‘Oh, no.’ She straightened, her face fiery, one hand clapped to her back. ‘I’ve split my skirt,’ she whispered, looking mortified, and Rafael looked down at her clothes, realised she’d been wearing the same few loose tops and summer skirts since he’d seen her back in New York.

‘I think you need some new maternity clothes,’ he said, wishing he’d thought of it sooner.

‘I definitely need a new skirt,’ Allegra answered, laughing a little. ‘I’m not decent!’

‘I’ll ring a boutique right now.’ He draped his jacket over her as he shepherded her from the café into the waiting limo. Moments later they were stepping into one of Palermo’s best boutiques on the Via Liberta, several assistants already waiting to serve them.

Allegra was whisked away to a dressing room while Rafael sat on a white velvet settee, sipping champagne and scrolling through messages on his phone. This was more like it; he could take care of Allegra in the manner he wished to—and that she deserved—without actually having to engage her. She wasn’t even in the room.

‘What do you think?’ Allegra’s voice was soft and hesitant and Rafael looked up from his phone, his brain instantly going blank.

* * *

Allegra stared at the nonplussed look on Rafael’s face and wondered if she’d made a mistake. All afternoon she’d been trying to reach him, keeping up a cheerful one-sided conversation, determined to stay positive.

They’d shared a connection last night. She had to believe that, had to believe it had been real...and that they could have it again.

In the boutique’s dressing room she’d tried on several outfits, and then paused when the assistant had given her a sexy, slinky cocktail dress in soft black jersey. This one, she decided, she would show Rafael. See if she finally got some kind of reaction out of him. And now she was standing here, feeling faintly ridiculous, and Rafael was looking blank.

‘Well?’ She managed a laugh, and then she did a little twirl. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think...’ Rafael cleared his throat. ‘I think you look...’ He stopped, shaking his head as if to clear it. Allegra smiled. As far as reactions went, she’d take it.

She went back into the dressing room to change while the assistant took her clothes to the shop’s till. She was just pulling off the dress when the door opened.

‘I think I might need help with the zip,’ she said, and then to her shock Rafael answered.

‘I think I can do that.’

‘What are you doing...?’ Allegra began, her breath coming out in a soft sigh as Rafael gently tugged on the zip and then pressed his lips to the nape of her neck.

A shudder went through her and she swayed on her feet, flinging one hand out to brace herself as Rafael’s mouth moved down her back.

‘Someone will see...’ she murmured as he slid the dress further down so it pooled about her hips. She could feel the hard, hot strength of his body behind hers and she leaned back, sagging against him as he kissed the curve of her shoulder.

‘No one will see.’

‘They’ll know.’

‘I don’t care. I can’t see you in that dress and not touch you.’

Touch her but not talk to her. She’d spent all afternoon trying to reach him but it seemed he didn’t want conversation. He wanted this.

And so did she.

Rafael pressed against her and Allegra’s eyes fluttered closed. This was rather wonderful.

‘Signor Vitali? We just need your card...’ The musical voice of the assistant floated towards them and they both tensed. With what felt like superhuman effort Allegra moved away. She stepped out of the dress and reached for her clothes as Rafael left in search of the assistant.

They didn’t speak on the way home, twilight cloaking the mountains in soft violet. Rafael had withdrawn into himself again, his expression shuttered and distant as Allegra curled up in a corner of the limo and dozed.

Back at the villa he disappeared into his office and with a sigh she went to put away her new clothes, sifting through the day’s events in her mind. Was she crazy to try to break through the wall Rafael seemed determined on putting up? Foolish to try for more when for her whole life she’d settled for so much less?

Allegra sank onto her bed, her unseeing gaze resting on the moonlit hills outside the window. She’d come to Sicily because she’d believed it was best for her child. It had felt like a sacrifice, one she had been ready and willing to make.

But now? Now, when she’d felt so much pleasure and happiness and connection with Rafael? When she sensed his overprotective, controlling nature disguised a man who could be tender and loving?

Now she didn’t want to come to some arrangement where they married and raised their child together, but lived as virtual strangers. Now she wanted a proper husband...and not just in bed.

But how to go about getting it? Was she strong enough to reach Rafael, to keep trying even when he pulled away? To face failure and rejection and keep holding on? She wanted to be. She wanted to make this work.

The click of the door opening had her turning, her surprised gaze arrowing in on Rafael.

‘Is everything all right?’ she asked uncertainly, because he looked intent and serious and a little sad.

‘Now it is,’ he said, and relief rushed through her, along with desire, as Rafael came towards her and took her in his arms.