Читать книгу Pink Ribbon Stories: A Celebration of Life - Tammy Miller - Страница 17

When a woman hears the words “breast cancer”, there are a lot of things that go through her mind. How will I tell my family? What will happen next? What type of recovery will I face? And, there is a lot of preparation to go to the hospital - gown, robe, toothbrush, and of course, my dancing shoes! And so my journey began…

It was the mid 1970’s, I was just 38 years old, and I felt a lump in my breast while I was showering. After several mammograms, the lump was removed and determined to be an 8 cm benign cyst that was discovered just before it was ready to burst. This lump was benign but another lump was discovered in the same breast that was not felt before. This lump turned out to be cancer. I can never be sure, but I have always wondered if the radiation from the mammograms “fertilized” the lump.

Regardless of what created it, I now had to deal with all of the challenges of having breast cancer. At the time I had five children to take care of, with my youngest being very small, and my oldest daughter had just finished nursing school. I immediately sat the children down and explained what was happening as best as I could. I was concerned that if I didn’t tell them, someone else would and may even tell them something that I didn’t want them to hear, so I decided it was best for them to hear it from me.

Looking back over all of those years I don’t think I ever thought I wouldn’t make it through. With all of the children, I don’t think the thought crossed my mind, there was simply too much that needed to be done. No matter what, I knew I was going to give it the best fight possible, because my children were depending on me. (A funny side story is that as I was preparing for this project, I found out my daughter wasn’t going to entertain any other option either because she didn’t want to get stuck raising the other children – she just told me that after all of this time!)

At the time of my surgery, there was a new two-step process that was being explored and it was very new to my community. The idea was that a woman could be given a choice as to what type of surgery she would want, dependent on the type and extent of the cancer. Before this time, a woman would go into surgery and have no idea whether or not she would have breasts when she awoke from surgery. This new process gave her a choice after the initial surgical diagnosis. It is common practice now, thankfully, but at that time it was still a new concept. I had to hold my ground that this was what I wanted and I became the first woman in my community to have this important, empowering decision for women.

There was a very calming event that happened during my surgery. What you choose to believe is up to you, but I can assure you this is exactly what happened, and I can recall it just as clearly today, all these years later, as if it had just happened. As I was taken into the operating room, I had a wonderful sense of peace. I clearly, without ANY question, saw Jesus behind me. When my doctor came in he told me that “I was very special” as he never operated alone, but this particular day he would be. I just smiled at him and told him not to worry, that he wasn’t operating alone this day either!

Now, back to the dancing shoes! When I checked into the hospital I did have the gown, robe and toothbrush, and the dancing shoes! My theory was that I was going to get through the surgery just fine and I would be out dancing again very soon. I used the dancing shoes as a visualization that the surgery was a necessity, but that I was going through it and out the other side with great success. I was in the hospital for 10 days, which is unheard of today, but each day I looked at those shoes as a literal “step” closer to recovery. During the days and weeks after the surgery I would sit on the bed and try on those dancing shoes. It took a little while, but one day the shoes went on and I went dancing!

I live in a small community and it doesn’t take long for people to find out what may be happening with their neighbors. My experience was no different. It was interesting to recall that there was a stigma associated with cancer that people would shy away from you when they heard the word cancer. There was less understanding of the disease at the time and many people thought it was contagious. I believe others just do not know what to say to someone dealing with cancer so they don’t say anything.

I have always found symbolism in many things in the world around me. Through the years butterflies have offered a symbol of hope. After the surgery I had a butterfly land directly on me. It was another reminder that what was happening was bigger than me and it offered peace and hope that all was happening for a reason and it would be fine.

After my surgery, my doctor put me on Alkeran. At that time, there wasn’t as much information available to women and we tended to question less and just do whatever our doctor told us to do. Regardless, I just knew that this medication was going to take care of everything and I visualized strong, healthy healing and recovery. I was on the medication for one year when my doctor took me off Alkeran amidst the reports that it never really worked anyway. I don’t know if it was the medication, visualization, or a strong faith, but this was just part of my healing process.

There were challenging days in the healing process, of course, but throughout it all we looked for reasons to laugh. In the same way that the power of the mind works, I am a firm believer in the power of laughter. We are always looking for a reason to laugh and have a great time, and I believe strongly that it can make any situation better. There is great value in understanding what we can change and what is out of our control. Knowing the difference between the two, and using humor and laughter in every situation can make a huge difference on healing and those around us.

I have learned a great deal about life since that first diagnosis. After all these years, it may be hard to believe but I still think some people are afraid and shy away from someone with cancer. I don’t think as many believe it is contagious as they once did, but there still seems to be some of that. For whatever reason, it is a shame as this is a time when people need understanding, love and a warm touch so very much. This experience has had a great impact on my life and when I hear of someone dealing with cancer, I try to reach out and let them know they are not alone, and that there are many who care. We must ASK how we can help someone. Sometimes they don’t even know yet, but please ask, reach out and be there for each other.

All things that happen in our lives are for a purpose. Sometimes we understand that purpose and sometimes we just don’t. I keep saying that I am still trying to find my purpose in life. When I say that, my son always gives me a sly grin and says at my age I had better find my purpose pretty soon! When something like breast cancer happens to us we have a choice to become bitter or better, and it is our choice.

We are all in this life together and we must be there for each other to offer love, understanding and strength. Maybe we can send a card, or a thoughtful gesture, a phone call or a loving touch. Maybe someone just needs to know we care. Whatever we can do to help one another is vital. Or maybe, it is just to put on our dancing shoes and take someone dancing!

This story is dedicated to our forever angel, Ryleigh.

Gloria Benninghoff

As written by Tammy Miller

Gloria lives in State College, PA. She is a young 79 and has four wonderful children, a girl Jancie and 3 boys Richard, Kerry,Todd. She has been blessed with many loving friends and her precious Golden Retrievers.