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Editing Emma (The Secret Blog of A Nearly Proper Person)

posted by EditingEmma 11.47

Today is the day. Today is the day that I, Emma Nash – in light of the above realisations – set upon a mission that I hope will change lives, beginning with that of my own, and then maybe my mother’s. From this moment on I shall no longer be Emma, but Editing Emma, striving to make positive changes to my life (or ‘edits’, if you will).

I have made a discovery of what I consider to be one of the human race’s biggest untapped resources… the internet. OK, so the internet has already technically been discovered and has in fact become the world’s most important tool for communication. BUT, when it comes to DATING, I strongly believe we’ve been using it the wrong way. Here’s why:

For the past two months I have used it to stalk the same, not-worth-anyone’s-time-or-virginity waste of space over and over, thus never getting over it and perpetuating the myth that we are still somewhat involved.

I have used it only to make myself feel more alone and focus on the person who abandoned me, rather than for connecting with other human beings (i.e. THE WHOLE REASON IT WAS INVENTED).

Though my mother does use it to ‘connect’, as it were, I often observe her on whatever new dating site she is currently a member of meeting EXACTLY the same kind of creeps she meets down the pub.

For these reasons, I feel we have been missing out on all the internet has to offer. Over 50 per cent of people in THE WORLD have a presence on a social network, and we are each and every one of us connected to hundreds, maybe thousands of other human beings… Amongst these there is bound to be someone out there for all of us – someone maybe even already in our life, who we may well have met and overlooked.

From now on, instead of using the internet to obsess over the same person, I will try using it to get to know someone different. What’s more, someone NOT AT ALL LIKE LEON. I am determined to prove to myself and my fellow comrades in the search for an at least 50 per cent functional relationship that, with the internet’s help, it can and will be found. (I think. Maybe. Let’s give it a try.)

RESOLUTIONS

1. Stop isolating myself.

I will do this by:

A)	Resuming regular washing, so that people want to go near me.
B)	Dedicating more time to real-life people than characters in TV shows.

2. STOP obsessing about Leon, and stalking him online. I will do this by…

A)	Trying instead to use my phone/laptop to meet someone else, someone who will actually be nice to me.
B)	Recording my findings here for the rest of the world to see!! (Steph and my mum.) No more will I lurk around moping in my dark, crusty little internet hovel, but I will use this space for something productive!

Behold… my new blog.

posted by EditingEmma 12.07

Experiment 1

Facebook: Because the Person You’ve Been Looking For Could Be Right Under Your Virtual Nose

Right. Time to start on my resolutions… If I want to begin the new term afresh, I’m going to have to stop stalking Leon. And, er… start stalking other people.

posted by EditingEmma 12.43

Or I could always go to my room and masturbate all afternoon. It does seem infinitely more appealing.

posted by EditingEmma 13.18

Six orgasms in half an hour. That’s one every five minutes. If you look at my daily activity based on masturbation alone, I’m actually an incredibly productive person.

posted by EditingEmma 15.02

I’ve bathed. It happened.

Mum knocked on my door.

‘What do you want?’ I grunted.

‘I’ve run you a bath, and you’re getting in it. You’re revolting,’ she called from outside.

I saw myself in the mirror, red-faced, bedraggled and be-styeed, with one hand down my pyjama bottoms, and I knew she wasn’t wrong.

I’m actually feeling way more positive now that I’m clean.

posted by EditingEmma 19.41

Called Steph to tell her about my resolutions.

She said, ‘I’m totally on-board. But I think you might need a new strategy.’

‘Why?’

‘How will you meet anyone new, from people that you already know?’

‘Aha! But see, I’ve been thinking about this. How many of your Facebook friends are you actually friends with?’

‘Oh God. I don’t know. Err… I’m going to say about 15 per cent.’

‘Exactly!!’

‘So what? I still know what they all look like.’

‘It’s not just about looks, Steph.’

‘Disagree.’

‘But I didn’t even like Leon, in that way, for the first two months of knowing him. I think we could already KNOW our soulmates, just not know that they’re our soulmates yet.’

‘So you’re saying… Willie Thomas might have hidden depths?’

(Willie Thomas is a boy in our art class who looms way too close to girls to try and look down their tops. He also has really bad breath.)

‘Well, maybe not Willie.’