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Thursday, 4 September i.e. Day 47 of Despair

posted by MissH 12.03

Only just got up and already wish I hadn’t. Not a single Snapchat or WhatsApp. You’d think someone might have bothered. I mean, I’m not speaking to anyone, but you’d think they might have tried a bit harder.

posted by MissH 14.59

A picture of them has been uploaded. A PICTURE OF THEM HAS BEEN UPLOADED. They’re at London Zoo, in front of the squirrel monkey exhibit. Anna is standing half smiling and Leon is crouching down pretending to be one of the animals. He looks like he’s having so much fun.

Are they there now? Are they there now having fun whilst I’m here sitting looking at them having fun and feeling as if I’ll never have fun again???

I can’t believe they went to London Zoo. On a date. A date to London Zoo like a real couple. A real couple in a real, Facebook official relationship. UGH. It’s like celebrities who have a verified tick on Twitter. It just makes them more valid as a human being, somehow.

posted by MissH 15.30

Mum came back from a meeting with a new client and started babbling at me from the hallway. It did actually feel nice to hear someone talking in the real world, even if it was about mood lighting and sinks without plugs.

‘Anyway, I told her I don’t care how nice they look, a sink without a plug is insane. I refuse to be that kind of designer…’

She came in, looked at me, and sighed.

‘Lovely, is that how you greet me now?’ I demanded.

‘I’m sick of you, quite frankly, Emma. Look, I know you’re upset,’ she blathered on, ‘but it doesn’t mean you can lounge around here being moody, not cleaning up after yourself.’

One time I forgot to clear up my breakfast tray, and now I will never hear the end of it. And if she chooses to refer to my heartbreak in such diminishing terms i.e. ‘being moody,’ then I will obviously choose not to answer her.

She stood in the doorway, scanning me with judging eyes.

‘You’re not the only one who’s ever been upset in a relationship, you know. What about me? The Poison Penns? The entire world?’

(Who are the Poison Penns?)

‘I know you’ve been upset, Mum.’

I wanted to add, ‘because you make poor decisions,’ but I didn’t.

‘Get up and get on with it,’ she said, walking off before I could get another word in.

I hate it when she does that!!

Of course, I could get up and get on with it, but I’m too comfortable. Why can’t a girl have a few months where she lies in her own filth and literally doesn’t move unless it’s to urinate? I’m hardly going to start taking life advice from her.

Reasons I will not be taking life advice from my mother:

1)	She’s seeing a man who takes off his clothes in front of other women for a living. Bit of a red flag when you’re already a possessive person. Which she pretends not to be, but she is.
2)	She knew that about him when she chose to go out with him. It’s not like she met him, liked him and then found out. It was listed on his online dating profile.
3)	He’s about ten years younger than her. Absolutely fine, in theory, if only she didn’t keep going out with younger men and then moaning when they want different things. ‘Mum,’ I said once, ‘you know there’s a solution, and match.com have made it really easy for you. See that little bar? Where you put your age range in? You just need to shift it along a bit.’ Then she threw something at me.
4)	I’m her own daughter, and I don’t even know if she’s still seeing him. Who knows what’s happening with her love life? Does she even know? They’re on and off like Ross and Rachel, but weirder and in no way romantic.

posted by MissH 22.31

Still, I can be mean about her online dating antics all I like but she may have a point. I thought it was time to finally communicate with the outside world and get a valid, non-parental opinion. So Steph came over. When she arrived I heard Mum say, ‘She’s somewhere in the darkness. Just follow the smell.’

‘How are you?’ Steph asked cautiously, perching on the edge of the sofa. I looked even more pale and sickly next to her gorgeous dark skin, and she looked really good in her football kit. It sort of made me maybe want to get changed out of my giant, stained pyjamas, but only for a moment.

‘Fine,’ I replied.

‘Clearly,’ she said, glancing at the huge pile of tissues at my feet.

We sat in silence for a moment, and then I broke down in tears.

‘He’s got another girlfriend,’ I sobbed.

‘I know,’ she said, putting her arms around me.

‘And he didn’t even tell me.’

‘I know.’

‘I’m nothing.’

‘You’re not nothing. You’re definitely something.’

We stayed hugging for a while, until she said, ‘Emma, this is all lovely and everything, but on second thoughts can we hug after you’ve had a shower?’ She moved away.

‘Oh God. Look at me. This happened two months ago and I still feel exactly the same about it. I mean, yes, that status only just came up. But we stopped speaking at the beginning of summer. In two months I have made zero progress. How is that possible?’

‘Maybe because instead of actually trying to make progress you keep stewing over how you’ve made no progress.’

I sensed her annoyance, then. It was time to ask the important question.

‘Steph, am I being truly unbearable?’

‘No, I mean… well…’

‘It’s OK. You can tell me.’

She took a deep breath.

‘Well, the rate at which you ask me how I am has definitely gone down in proportion with how much you sit around pretending to be Miss Havisham. But that’s fine, there’s definitely an allowance for this.’

‘Ugh, for about two weeks, not two months. I’m so sorry.’

‘Emma, it’s OK, I don’t mind. I’m just a bit worried. Don’t you think it’s time to move on? I mean… Leon has.’

‘Owch.’

‘I’m sorry, Emmy, I’m not trying to be mean. I just really want you to see it like it is. I know you liked him, that’s probably an understatement, but…’

‘But he’s with Anna now. Who is categorically better than me. I know, I have the proof.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I made a pro/con list.’

‘I… You did WHAT?!’

For some reason this made her truly, deeply angry with me. Angrier than she has been with me all summer, angrier than she was when Oberyn’s head got squished on Game of Thrones. She launched into a full on rant,

‘EMMA. A PRO/CON LIST?! Come on!! Where’s your dignity and… sense of self worth?! Where’s your feminism?! You’re not like… objects to be compared!!! You’re both PEOPLE. Leon treating you like this has nothing to do with Anna, or you, and by the way… you completely don’t deserve to be treated like this!!!’

She took my phone and made me delete the pro/con list. Eventually, she calmed down, and started breathing normally again. Before she left I said, ‘I’m not pretending to be Miss Havisham, by the way, I’m channelling her.’

‘Whatever you say.’

posted by MissH 23.18

Ugh. Steph is so, so right!! An Emma/Apple pro/con list??? Is this what I’ve been reduced to?! Measuring myself against another girl? I should never have been left to sit around wondering what I did wrong, and I definitely shouldn’t be sitting around comparing myself with Leon’s new girlfriend!!! Making myself feel bad, or feeling the need to insult her when this is completely not her fault! People are different, and you know what, if he didn’t like me and he liked Bland Face then he should have had the guts to say it to my face. Or at least my direct message inbox.

An Ode To Steph

Oh Steph you make the skies seem blue, which they are in fact and that is true, but without you they might as well be poo, because without you oh what, oh what would I do?

Quite like that. Sent it to her. She said:

You are a freak. Sx 23.14