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My Dingy Internet Cave Tuesday, 2 September i.e. Day 45 of Despair

posted by MissH 15.03

Leon Naylor is in a relationship with Anna McDonnell.

3 mins

Huh… That’s funny. Because I thought he was in a relationship with me.

posted by MissH 16.05

My phone rings. And rings. And rings. It’s Steph. Then Faith. Then Gracie. I know they mean well (except Gracie, who will be not-so-secretly enjoying this) but I really don’t want to speak to anyone. Maybe ever again. I will limit human contact to only when it’s strictly necessary, i.e. my mum when I need food. Maybe she’d even consider getting a little hatch put in my bedroom door.

posted by MissH 17.14

Staring at the status as it gets more and more comments and likes, becoming more and more real as I become more and more discarnate.

I guess that explains why he hasn’t spoken to me all summer, then. How could he do this? Am I not even worth a proper break-up? Was I that unimportant, that he can just act like I never existed? I wasn’t even made Facebook official. I didn’t even have the dignity of him ending our relationship in person or online before starting a new one. I have been left in the shadows, invisible and unacknowledged.

Has he been meeting up with her all this time? All this time I’ve been sending out deranged, thinly veiled tweets that are OBVIOUSLY about him? Or posting photos that say, ‘LOOK AT ME IN THIS REVEALING OUTFIT HAVING SO MUCH FUN. I’M COMPLETELY FINE WHO NEEDS YOU LALALA’, when really Steph had put me to bed by 7 pm sobbing in my heels. Through all of that, he’s been starting another relationship? For how long? I did see her on a group shot on that day out to Hyde Park, but I thought she knew one of his friends, or something.

posted by MissH 19.36

This is what the inside of my brain looks like:

Leon Naylor is in a relationship with Anna McDonnell.

posted by MissH 21.05

It almost feels better, now that I know for certain. (Almost. But not quite.) He really has been ignoring me. As if all the other evidence wasn’t enough:

He started to ‘miss’ my calls, and didn’t call me back.

Even when I got Steph to phone him from her mum’s number, and he answered, I convinced myself it was probably a coincidence. Maybe the twenty or so times I called him, he really had been in the shower.

He stopped replying to my texts.

I was so sure they’d been accidentally swallowed into an abyss by O2. (Who I did ring, frantically, several times.)

He detagged ALL pictures of us.

I still can’t believe I was kidding myself about that one. I thought maybe it was a weird error, or his friends did it as a joke. But really, it seems like quite an extreme length to go to, to break up with someone… Surely just telling them is easier?

posted by MissH 23.37

The Forgotten Photos

Can’t sleep so I made a list of my favourite pictures of us, that he so coldly detagged. Because we did have a relationship, it did exist and I am not hallucinating. I am not hallucinating.

4)	Us doing our best smize. (November.) We put it up for people to vote on and I won, 82 per cent. It was raining A LOT and my eye make-up was running down my face in a way which Leon said was ‘haunting’ and gave me an unfair advantage. He demanded a rematch.

3)	Us lying on the school field. (March.) Our faces are red and puffy because a football had just hit me in the face (thanks Steph). After laughing for about a zillion years, Leon stood in front of the goal and let a football whack him in the face, too.

2)	Us in Gracie’s garden the night he asked me to ‘go out’ with him. (June.) Gracie did a barbecue (or her parents did after she caused a smog). The sun was going down and we were lazing in the back garden, choking from leftover fumes and laughing. I can’t remember ever feeling so happy. (Apart from maybe when I won that magazine competition for designing my own red carpet outfit. They made the dress and sent it to me, and put a picture of me on the back page. It’s pretty sad that these are the best moments I can pick out in my life – in one I was eleven, and one has been completely ruined.)

1)	Us at the end of term, before summer break. (July.) We are TOGETHER in this one. (I am not hallucinating.) We have been together for two weeks. We are lurking outside the Sixth Form Centre, peering in the windows and scoping it out for next year. I remember being excited by the new beanbag chairs, and Leon saying, ‘Good luck getting out of those when I sit on you.’ We laughed. I threatened to protect myself from suffocation by stabbing him with a snooker cue. We kissed. And now I’m in this place, and I’m not sure how I got here.

Editing Emma: Online you can choose who you want to be. If only real life were so easy...

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