Читать книгу Dealing with Difficult People - David Brown, David Brown - Страница 11

Behaving assertively is crucial for good interpersonal relationships. We need to understand the term, though, in respect of three contrasting types of behaviour: aggressive, passive and assertive.

1 Aggressive behaviour (I win/you lose). Driven by a self-centred attitude, whereby their needs and rights are always paramount. Outward signs include a harsh, loud voice, interrupting others and aggressive body language. It could be caused by fear, insecurity or ambition. Aggressive people may get what they want in the short term, but in the long run alienate themselves and are often rejected as too difficult.

2 Passive behaviour (I lose/you win). Driven by a sense that their rights and needs are less important than other people’s. Outward signs include quietness, hesitancy and nervous body movements. Shyness, a lack of confidence or ambition, or a strong sense of team can prompt this. They may get what they want by manipulating those around them (they get others to do the tricky bits), but in the short term do not seem to achieve.

one minute wonder Ask someone you trust for feedback as to whether you behave in an aggressive, submissive or assertive manner.

3 Assertive behaviour (I win/you win). Assertive behaviour is what you need to get results through people. Difficult people melt away if your approach is, “I recognize that you have needs and rights. I too have needs. I respect you, and I require reciprocal respect from you.”

A balanced individual will display assertive behaviour most of the time. To avoid slipping into passive or aggressive behaviour:

• Define your goals. Decide where you are going.

• Help others to express their views. Question their thinking.

• Listen to others. Check what you’ve heard them say to make sure your understanding is correct before you respond.

• Have a clear contract with them. This is about give and take and mutual respect (this won’t necessarily mean 50/50 with your boss!).

• Share feelings. Have both of you share your feelings with one another as well as the facts.

• Spell out clearly what you mean. Be straightforward. Explain the consequences of their action.

• Say no when you must, and explain why. If remedial action is called for, do it sooner rather than later. Sooner is easier!

• Accept that other people have a right to say no. Understand why they are saying no. This could be a deep-rooted cultural question.

• Be positive. Use positive words and body language (Secret 6.4).

Be assertive yourself and encourage the same behaviour in others.