Читать книгу Sex For Dummies - Pierre Lehu A., Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer - Страница 136

Nothing is more essential in a marriage than talking with each other. Telling each other your problems is a way of keeping them from growing to the point where you can no longer solve them. But, you have to be willing to obey certain rules:

 You have to listen to the other person.

 You have to communicate in such a way that you don’t cause a fight, which means no put-downs, no threats, no needling.

 You have to pick the time and place where communications work best. Don’t start talking about a problem when one of you is running out the door, late for work. All you will accomplish is a screaming match.

Here are some other hints for keeping the discussion flowing freely and keeping your marriage healthy and happy:

 Keep problems outside the bedroom. Don’t bring up problems about sex while you’re having sex; always bring up sexual problems outside the bedroom. Emotions are at a fever pitch when you’re making love, and if you add the wrong catalyst you can get an explosion. (Of course, if whatever you are doing is painful, then speak up. Whether you want to discuss it at the moment or try something different and bring it up later, don’t allow yourself to suffer unnecessarily.)

 Don’t argue about kids in front of them. Never argue about something having to do with the children in front of them. Doing so will give your children the wrong message and, if they choose sides, distort the final outcome. You should always present a united front when you talk to your children, even if you haven’t settled the disagreement. If you give children mixed messages, you can wind up with mixed results.

 Think before you speak. Think before you say something — if what you say will hurt the other person’s feelings, maybe you shouldn’t say it.

 Don’t be stingy with compliments. Everybody likes to hear good news, so pass it on. This idea is especially important if the other person has invested a lot of time and energy into a project, be it cooking a meal or washing the car.

 Make a date to talk. If you’re not finding enough time to communicate without planning for it, then make a date to talk. Certainly, if something pressing is on your mind, then you have to find time to talk it out. But even if you don’t have a particular problem to discuss, remember that, to keep those lines of communication open, you have to use them on a regular basis. Try to pick a time for conversation when the clock isn’t ticking. In other words, if your husband gets up early, don’t plan on talking to him when you get into bed because he’ll worry that it’s cutting into his sleep. On the other hand, if you really need to say something, and he has to take a shower, jump right in there with him. You are married, after all.

 Bring up pleasant memories. Going over the good times you shared together can be a soothing balm and help with the healing process of problems you’re currently experiencing. Don’t hide that wedding album in the back of a closet; instead, keep it out where it can serve as a reminder of one of the happiest days of your life.

Check out Making Marriage Work For Dummies, by Steven and Sue Klavans Simring (Wiley), for more information about communicating effectively with your spouse.