Читать книгу The Positive Woman - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 25

1. Check your motivation – it is possible, but certainly not easy, to break most habits, so we certainly need to be able to see clearly the carrot at the end of the stick. We need to ask ourselves ‘Who or what stands to gain if I crack this habit?’

For example:

If we ourselves are likely to be the beneficiaries:

‘Am I really worth all this effort?’

‘Do I love myself enough?’

and if others will benefit:

‘Do I love/like or approve of them enough?’

If an issue or cause is likely to gain from our efforts:

‘Do I really feel this is worthwhile?’

2. Examine the habit – sometimes we are so ashamed of our bad habits that we try to pretend that they don’t exist. If someone brings up the subject, our guilt often stops us from having a rational, constructive discussion, and we just fob people off with ‘I know, I know, I know, but I don’t want to talk about it!’ The result of this is that we don’t give the habit too much thought until the big crises occur and we lose our friends, job, marriage, health, etc.

It is important to do a detailed analysis of the habit so that we can identify the precise stimuli which sets it off and become aware of what positively reinforces it (i.e. gives us a pay-off) and what negatively reinforces it (i.e. punishes us).

So we need to ask ourselves and others:

‘When am I most likely to …?’

‘With whom do I most often …?’

‘In which places am I least likely to …’

and the classic question for women –

‘At what time of the month …?!’

3. Set goals – and make sure that these are realistic. We already know that negative thinking people regularly set themselves up for failure. They are hard taskmasters for themselves as well as for other people, demanding impossibly high standards and constant perfection. They often want to tackle the most difficult problems first and are not in favour of easy stages.

So we need to check that we are starting our programme with a task which has a strong chance of success and that we have a series of goals which will get progressively harder (but also progressively more rewarding) as we move on.

4. Practise – if possible this should be done in a ‘safe’ place first, that is, in situations or with people where there is as little risk as possible to your relationships, finances, self-esteem, etc.

Two alternatives to practising in real life are role-play and guided fantasy (see Chapter 13). Other options might be preparing and reading scripts at home or using a tape recorder or video to give you feedback and practice.

5. Monitor your progress – you need to have some system for regularly checking how you are getting on. This could be entries into your diary, a wall-chart, or weekly discussions with friends or a self-help group. Whatever system you choose, make sure it is fool-proof against cheating!

6. Reward yourself – it may be a long time before you reach your desired carrot so you will need to find some way of encouraging and supporting yourself along the route. We now know that rewards are much more effective than punishments in any learning process.

Make sure that the rewards you give yourself at each stage are appropriate and that you save the big treats for the harder habits.