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ОглавлениеTen Golden Keys to Self-esteem
Most of us have more commitment to an activity if we can understand the purpose and philosophy behind what we are trying to do. In this chapter I have outlined the basic principles behind the self-esteem-building programme. I have used a mnemonic based on the letters in the words SELF-ESTEEM to make this bit of the theory easier to remember.
Scrutiny
Explanation
Love
Focus
Envisaging
Strategy
Triggers
Encouragement
Experimentation
Monitoring
Scrutiny
Before we begin making any change it is always advisable to make a detailed study of the current status quo. In the area of self-esteem-building work, this means taking steps to increase our own self-awareness and doing a thorough review of our lifestyle and relationships.
You may find that this is the most scary stage of all. People often think that once they start serious self-reflection they may get even more down and depressed. This only happens if there is no effective personal development programme to support the ‘navel-gazing’ work. You need not worry – I assure you this book contains enough ideas to help line the walls of your whole house with practical action plans!
Explanation
Once we have gathered our information we need to analyse it as objectively as we can. That which we cannot change we are then more easily able to accept or delegate as the responsibility of others.
This aspect of our work often entails looking back into the past to gain some understanding of the present. Critical ‘outsiders’ often think that when we do this our main objective is to apportion blame. But certainly no one is on trial in this work. Any analysis we do is merely a small (albeit important) step in the process of helping us to increase our ability to take more responsibility (not less) for our own feelings and our future.
| Taking a logical look at the facts helps us to clarify, accept and take responsibility for what we can change. |
Love
This is the essential food of the whole programme! Self-love must be administered immediately and abundantly in very practical and clearly demonstrable ways. Ideally I would recommend a week locked in a luxurious health hotel before even reading the next chapter of the book! Most people could do with a boost to their physical energy before embarking on a personal development work, but those of us with low self-esteem are likely to have an even greater need of some extra physical care and nurturing.
But it isn’t just at the start of the your programme that you will need to ‘spoil yourself’ with evidence of your self-love; your progress will benefit greatly if you keep taking substantial doses of this medicine throughout your work.
If you have grown up in the belief that this kind of love is sinful and immoral, you may need first to work on challenging the ethics and rationality behind this. If you are in the habit of confusing the ethics of self-love with selfishness, the exercises in Chapter 6 should help – but even once ‘converted’ you may still find yourself addicted to people-pleasing habits. You need to treat this infliction just as you would any other self-destructive habit (see Chapter 4).
Focus
Low self-esteem causes so many problems in so many areas of our lives and relationships that it is easy to get overwhelmed or flit our attention anxiously from one area to another. It is, therefore, very important to focus on one manageable problem at a time; in so doing we not only greatly enhance our chance of success but also give ourselves the opportunity to enjoy and fully benefit from the confidence boost that accompanies each achievement.
The initial problems you focus on must be only mildly, rather than extremely challenging. (For example, you could choose to work on boosting your self-esteem when you are in the company of certain people whom you do not need particularly to impress but with whom you would like to feel more comfortable and at ease. This means that you have a better chance of keeping your anxiety levels within manageable limits.)
| Throughout your programme, therefore, you should focus on one problem at a time. |
I find that most people are desperate to dive in at the deep end of their problems. Resist this temptation by reminding yourself that the world of self-esteem is a dangerous whirlpool and not at all a friendly sea!
Envisaging
We can greatly increase our motivation if we constantly keep a clear image in the forefront of our minds of the new self-assured persona we are trying to acquire. You will find that in several programmes I suggest doing exercises which will help you to feed your subconscious with positive images of the ‘you’ you are trying to become. I have found that it also helps enormously if we share this dream image with other people. (Why not start now by telling at least one supportive friend that you are currently reading and working through this book, and letting him or her know what positive changes you envisage for yourself?)
Strategy
As I said earlier, strategies and even aggressive action plans are essential – but they must be broken down into small, practical steps. Often I will suggest a specific format for your action plan depending on the kind of work you are doing. But a golden rule for any of your programmes is always to be aware of at least three specific and immediate goals, as well as your long-term wider aims. Like the latter, these should be freely spoken about and always written down and placed where they can be readily and regularly viewed.
| Back up your plans with excellent organization. |
The first step must be to show yourself that you ‘mean business’ by making your self-esteem plans look like professional documents. Type them up if you can, or at the very least write them out in clear legible handwriting using highlighted headings and lists with bullet points or numbers. You should then date them and file them away (unless they can be pinned up for all to see!). I always suggest allocating, at the very least, a special folder or file for personal development work. (Why not stop reading and find one right now – even if it is only a temporary one?) You will then need to mark it Private and Confidential and place it in a safe place – but not one which is so well hidden that you yourself might forget it is there! Use this file to keep your written work in, and as a safe-haven for any other bits and pieces you may want to accumulate while working (for example ideas or observations jotted down on bits of paper at work, interesting photos, cartoons, articles, quotations, etc.).
Triggers
Breaking any habit is hard, but because low self-esteem patterns often have been ingrained in childhood they can be tougher than most to overcome. Because these patterns are often conditioned responses they can sometimes be stimulated by simple associations with ‘everyday’ experiences. I’m sure most people know the feeling of ‘shrivelling’ one size smaller just on hearing a certain word, smelling the whiff of a particular aroma or even experiencing certain weather such as a storm. Even if we cannot completely ‘brainwash’ such responses into oblivion, identifying and naming them does demystify them, keeps us on our guard and prepares us for taking corrective action. (See particularly the strategy called ‘Breaking Self-Destructive Habits’ in Chapter 4.)
Encouragement
Because the process of personal development usually takes place at a ‘plodding’ rather than a ‘breakneck’ pace, it is more likely to be sustained if it is regularly bolstered by support. But in self-esteem-building work such support should, first and foremost, come from ourselves in the form of regular motivational treats. As most people with low self-esteem tend to be mean in the way that they reward themselves, we usually need strong, efficient reminders. (A constructive job for a nagging friend?!)
Experimentation
As with every human learning process, the more individually tailored your development programme, the more likely it is to be successful. For example, throughout this book I suggest numerous exercises and give you many ‘Do’ and ‘Don’t’ lists, but none of these should ever be treated as ‘gospel truths’. I hope that you will be able to use my suggestions as starting points for your own experiments with a whole variety of behaviours and strategies. Although I have worked with people of all ages from a wide range of cultural backgrounds, I am still aware that some of the learning I have had from my experience will not be relevant to everyone reading this book. A suggestion which may prove to be invaluable ‘advice’ to one person may not be even remotely relevant for someone else. Unfortunately the only sure way of testing the usefulness of some of the strategies and guidelines will be through experimentation! Once you have tried them you can then adapt them to suit your particular personality, culture, circumstances, family, organization or relationships.
I know only too well that working in this way may prove to be more difficult than it sounds. When my self-esteem was at a very low ebb, I can remember being insatiably greedy for infallible advice and strict guidelines. In fact, the shakier my self-confidence was, the more desperately I sought magic solutions from esteemed idols. But, of course, the very essence of self-esteem building is about learning to have more respect for your own potential, skills and knowledge. One way to begin is to read and work through this book, always aware that you are your own best guide and mentor when it comes to shaping and selecting the behaviour, values and lifestyle which can build and boost your own self-esteem.
Monitoring
Regular appraisal in any learning programme is essential and, as I have already implied, in this particular field the only judge and jury worth listening to is you. You will always need to build into your action plans time to do regular and thorough assessments of your progress. This is often difficult for people who have been suffering from low self-esteem for a while because they may have lost their ability to make even the simplest self-appraisals. This is particularly true in the area of feelings. When our self-esteem begins to dip, we tend (unconsciously) to adopt defensive psychological behaviours which ensure that we have neither the time, the energy nor the inclination to assess whether or not we like or love ourselves. Some of the most common defences which you may immediately recognize are:
– throwing ourselves into non-stop activity – allowing ourselves to become exclusively passionate and exhaustingly caring for others or a ‘good cause’
– focusing all our emotional energy on a particular fear, phobia or obsession
– deadening our senses with drink or drugs.
If any of this kind of activity is familiar to you, you may need to do some serious healing work before you can begin honestly and effectively to monitor your progress. The next chapter could therefore be a crucial one for you. After all, monitoring our self-esteem should never be a wholly cerebral activity, it must be done by both our hearts and our heads – which can be exceedingly difficult if we are still emotionally crippled with a backlog of buried hurt and pain.
