Читать книгу My Trans Parent - Heather Bryant - Страница 37

Some families tell their extended family and community all at once, maybe even throwing a coming out party, like Noelle H.’s family. Some families tell a handful of people, or the community finds out over time. Some keep it within the family. Some opt not to share widely for various reasons. There’s no one right way to do it. Whether the family decides to be “out” in the community or not, this choice impacts each family member. Whatever the family decides to do, it can also shift and change over time.

My family was not “out” in the community. My trans parent was known as my “aunt” to all but very few. Later, when she wanted to reclaim being a parent, people assumed she was my mother. I didn’t want to “out” her, but I also felt conflicted by this perception.

I wasn’t told directly to hide the truth about my father; just that the new name we should say was “Dana” instead of “Dad,” and that if someone asked, this was our “aunt,” our dad’s sister.

I got really good at reading social situations. I would assess: What kind of situation is this? What kind of person do I need to be here? I did this a lot in school—I learned to show certain versions or ideas of my family.

For Justin B., in Tennessee in the early ’90s, coming out didn’t feel like an option. “I was told then, and for the next four to five years, that it was a secret.” Keeping it a secret was a protective measure at the time. “We had to keep it from everyone—family members because of my mom being scared of me being taken away or some kind of retribution, and the people around us, for safety.” The culture around them wasn’t welcoming of differences. “We had no idea how people would react.” Once the transition started and they came out to people over time, some people disappeared from their lives. “A lot of the friends that she lost and the friends that I lost stepped away in maybe not a graceful way but in a way that wasn’t violent. Nothing bad happened.” It was the fear of potential violence or hateful responses that kept them quiet.

When Noelle H.’s family threw a coming out party for their extended family and community, it was designed to celebrate, in part, and to face any misunderstandings head on. “If you kind of threw it in people’s faces and were really up front about it, people would feel forced to be accepting, even if they didn’t want to be accepting,” Noelle said. When I first heard about the party, it seemed like the ideal solution. To tell everyone at once instead of keeping a secret and having to tell people one by one. While it worked for a time and for many people, some parts of the community—in particular her father’s work world of advertising—distanced themselves later on. “It became really hard to tell during the years that followed whether she had lost work because she was trans or because she was a woman and they didn’t know she was trans.” Over time, the door that had initially been flung open closed with some in the wider community.

People might ask when they see your parent around town. As Sarah W. described, “One of my mom’s friends was driving by our house one night while my dad got out of the car dressed, and she asked my mom, ‘Who was this person in your driveway?’” After a while, her dad decided to come out by simply dressing and showing up on people’s doorsteps. This strained her parents’ relationship, especially when her dad told some of her mom’s friends and family before she was ready to tell.

For some, parts of the community might already know, but that doesn’t automatically make it easy to talk about. Sharon S. described moving to a small town in Michigan when her parent transitioned. “Everybody knows everybody. As soon as we moved up there, everybody in town knew Trish has two daughters and they’re Laura and Sharon and she’s married to Marsha.” She went to a friend’s house for a playdate, and Trish was going to pick her up. “I knew Trish was going to show up in a dress and I didn’t want Trish to come to the door and I was very agitated.” As the time approached for Trish to pick her up, she didn’t know what to do.

Her friend’s mom sensed this and said, “Sharon it’s okay—we know.”

Sharon didn’t know how to respond. She recalls, “I just couldn’t talk.”

She looked at her friend’s mom and said, “What do you mean? Know…”

Even if others know, it’s not an immediate open door to acceptance and ease.