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4. Asking Why

There are occasions and causes, why and wherefore, in all things.

— William Shakespeare

When a loved one dies, we often find ourselves plagued with questions: Why did this person die? Why did it have to happen? Why now? Why did it happen in this way?

We may get immediate answers to some of our questions if people who were present at the time of death can give us the details of what happened.

Other questions may not be answered for a while. We may have to wait for autopsy reports, medical records, or police reports.

Some of our “Why” questions may never be answered because the circumstances surrounding the death of our loved one remain a mystery.

Or we may find ourselves asking the question “Why?” but we really don’t expect an answer. Our agonizing “Why … Why … Why …” may be our protest over what has happened. Our tortured “Why” may be an expression of helplessness because we can’t change what happened. Our heartbreaking “Why?” may be an articulation of our excruciating pain.

Asking “Why?” is an important part of the grieving process. It helps us to understand what happened. It helps us to accept the reality of what happened. It helps us to come to grips with what happened.

“Why” questions can also lead to something good. They can give us the impetus to right a wrong or correct a harmful situation that could result in the death of someone else.

We may never get satisfying answers to our “Why” questions. We may always wonder — but over time, we can assure ourselves that the wondering will become less frustrating.

Prayer: Lord, I have so many questions. I want to give the questions to you. You already know the answers. Help me to accept that I may never receive answers to my questions. Help me to let go of this painful questioning. Amen.

The Serenity Prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr, can help us to put everything into perspective when we feel unsettled because of our “Why” questions:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.