Читать книгу Grieving the Loss of a Loved One - Lorene Hanley Duquin - Страница 8

2. The Initial Shock

The shock of her death froze something in me.

— Vladimir Nabokov

Whether the death was unexpected or whether we had been anticipating it for a long time, there is always a sense of disbelief when it happens. We feel numb — almost as if we have been frozen in time. We may feel as if we are in a trance — going through the motions of what we have to do and say — but not feeling anything.

Shock in the early stages of our grief is God’s way of protecting us from the harsh reality of death for a while. We know that our loved one is gone, but the full impact has not gripped us yet. We keep saying, “I can’t believe it.… It doesn’t seem real.… I don’t feel anything….”

Some people may interpret our shock as not caring. Others will compliment us on how well we are handling all of this. What these people don’t realize is that we have yet to comprehend the immensity of our loss.

Even after the shock begins to wear off, there is a part of us that does not want to believe it is true. We may find ourselves talking to the person, and then remember that the person is no longer here. We may start to do something for the person that we had done every day, and then remember that the person no longer needs us to do that. We may find ourselves waiting for the person to call or come home at a specific time, and then remember that the person is not coming home.

Shock and disbelief are normal parts of the grieving process. It does not mean that we don’t love the person. It does not mean that we don’t care about the person.

This initial stage of grief does not usually last long. Eventually, we come to accept the reality that our loved one is gone and will not return. When that happens, we begin to feel the pain of separation. In the meantime, we can thank God for this strange frozen feeling that we are experiencing.

Prayer: Lord, I am feeling numb and disoriented. I can’t believe that my loved one has died. It doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know what to do or where to turn, so I turn to you, Lord. Help me through this early stage of grief. Amen.

In The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion describes the numbing sensation that she felt immediately after the death of her husband: “I do not remember crying.… I had entered at the moment it happened[,] a kind of shock in which the only thought I allowed myself was that there must be certain things I needed to do.”