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10. The Problem of Sleep

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night.

— Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sleep is one of our greatest challenges when we are grieving. During the daytime, when we are supposed to be active and alert, we often feel as if we are forcing ourselves to keep going when all we really want is to escape into a deep sleep. At night, we often lie awake, plagued by thoughts or memories. We are like the psalmist who wrote:

You have kept me from closing my eyes in sleep;

I am troubled and cannot speak.

I consider the days of old;

the years long past I remember. (Ps 77:5-6)

We know that we need to sleep. We know that sleep will restore us. But we toss and turn in a useless attempt to drift off. Or we may fall asleep, only to awaken from a vivid dream about our loved one, and we find it impossible to get back to sleep again. We are left with feelings of complete exhaustion.

It’s important to remember that the Lord urges us, “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

When we’re having difficulty falling asleep, it helps if we can use our imagination to place ourselves in the arms of the Lord. We can imagine that the Lord is comforting us in our grief. We can close our eyes and repeat to ourselves, “I am resting with the Lord. … I am resting with the Lord.…”

In this way, we can turn our difficulties with sleep into a special kind of prayer.

Prayer: Lord, I need you to be with me through the darkness of the night. Allow me to rest in you. I am weary, and I need your comfort and your strength. Jesus, I trust in you. Amen.

Bereavement experts offer the following advice for people who are having trouble with sleep:

Get up at the same time every morning, even if you haven’t slept.

Exercise during the day so that you will be tired by bedtime.

Cut down on your caffeine intake.

Don’t use alcohol as a sleep aid. It is a depressant, but the effects wear off after a few hours and leave you restless in the middle of the night.

Relax before bedtime with music, quiet prayer, a bath, or spiritual reading.

If you can’t fall asleep after twenty minutes of trying, get up and do something until you feel tired. Then try again.