Читать книгу The Baby Sleep Book: How to help your baby to sleep and have a restful night - Martha Sears - Страница 18

Long-term nighttime stress can lead to long-term sleep insecurities that can create daytime insecurities and problems with self-confidence. That’s a mouthful, but we want you to understand it. Picture the following two scenarios:

Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a relaxing routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. When Dad says no, Alex asks for an extra hug and kiss, a longer story, tucking in the covers better, or whatever else he can think of to keep Dad around for an extra minute or two. Dad leaves his room, and Alex starts getting out of bed every five minutes to ask for a drink of water, to find out what his parents are watching on TV, to ask what he’s doing tomorrow, or to complain that he’s hungry. His parents send him directly back to bed, alone. On subsequent nights, Alex’s tactics escalate into complaints of tummy aches and headaches. He takes a long time to fall asleep and doesn’t seem quite as happy and secure in the daytime anymore. He even starts wetting the bed (something he’d never done before). This goes on for years, and as he grows through childhood he feels that bedtime is a time of loss and separation.

Now let’s meet the same child, but with different parental responses.

Alex is four years old and had been sleeping well in his own room. Bedtime was a fun routine of stories, hugs and kisses, and sweet dreams. Until tonight. When his Dad tries to put him to bed, he protests that he wants his Dad to stay with him. His Dad gives him an extra long hug, stays in the room for a few minutes pretending like he’s putting some clothes away, lingers in the hallway busily, then tells Alex goodnight (kiss, hug, and tuck again), and leaves. Alex is asleep in two minutes. He just needed a little extra something that particular night, and his Dad gave it to him.

Dad discusses this situation with Mum. While they want to keep their early bedtime routine with Alex (they like their evenings uninterrupted, and don’t want to have to waste an extra hour every night trying to cater to their child’s bedtime fears), they also have been sensitive to his changing needs over the years. They didn’t push it when he needed some time getting used to starting preschool. They didn’t leave him crying with a babysitter, but took the time to help him feel comfortable and playful. They’ve yet to go on a holiday without him. Now they realize that their child is trying to tell them he is feeling anxious about being away from them at night. They understand that if they fulfil his needs now for the short term, they won’t turn into long-term unfulfilled needs that will leave him feeling insecure over the years. They also know that if they meet those needs without Alex continuously having to ask (or protest), his needs should diminish faster. Plus, everyone will be happier.

So the next night when Alex protests when Dad turns to leave the room, Dad sits on Alex’s bed and says “I don’t mind staying with you for a little while. You rest your eyes, and I’ll sit by the bed here for a few minutes.” Dad winds up spending the next three weeks lingering in Alex’s room or the nearby hallway at bedtime. Sometimes he folds laundry while waiting for Alex to fall asleep. He sits in the chair and uses a tiny clamp-on book light to read without turning on the overhead light. He doesn’t interact much with Alex, he’s just there. Sometimes he tells Alex that he needs to go in the other room, but he will be back to check on him in a few minutes. He putters around, making just enough noise for Alex to know he is close by. It is a very slow weaning process that, while time-consuming, really pays off in the long run. Eventually Alex returns to his former easy-to-sleep routine, and his parents get their evenings back.

Bedtime was always a drawn-out affair in our family. The routine took forty-five minutes to an hour, especially with my oldest son, who has always been very tuned in to what’s going on around him. Now, many years later, everybody goes to bed on their own. My three children are expert sleepers who rarely have trouble falling asleep at night. I’m the one who needs to stop at my kids’ bedroom doors to chat for a few minutes and connect with them before I can fall asleep.