Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 66

Sons learn how to express their feelings by watching their fathers and other men. They need to see you showing all four of the basic feelings:

1. Sadness – when someone has died or a disappointment has come along

2. Anger – when something has been unjust or wrong

3. Happiness – when things go well, and

4. Fear – when there is danger.

Dads have to show real care in expressing feelings around their children. The reason for this is that dads and mums are the pillars of a child’s world. Children don’t want to see those pillars come tumbling down. So while they need to know and see when we are angry, scared, happy or sad, they also want to know that we can ‘hold’ those feelings. This means that we can be afraid, but not rattled; mad, but not dangerous; happy, but not stupid; and sad, but not overwhelmed or dismayed. They don’t really want to see us losing our grip. But they are touched and helped if we can shed a tear or honestly express anger or fear, because they have those emotions all the time.

Often, when men have an uncomfortable feeling, they will convert it into something more comfortable. Usually anger is the most comfortable feeling for men. When your little boy has got lost in the shopping centre or your teenager has taken a foolish risk, a father who can say, ‘I was scared’, has much more impact than one who yells and slams doors. If men act angry when they are really sad, scared or even happy, this can be pretty confusing for kids.

Boys are trying to match their inner sensations with outer ways of behaving, and they need us to show them how this is done.