Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 85

Dear Steve,

Reading Raising Boys, I wanted to add some things I feel so strongly about.

To all the mothers out there – boys are different. So persevere in getting to understand and know them. Don’t, whatever you do, give up. Or become resigned and join the anti-boy group, with their weak jokes and tales of woe and ‘What can I do?’ sort of attitudes. There is a meeting point between mothers and sons. It’s up to you. It may not be obvious, it may take time and a number of attempts. Struggle is not a sign of failure, but of something new being born. Look for the good in your son. You will find it.

Boys have tender feelings, and mothers have an essential part in keeping the child whole. Seeing how affectionate they can be at times makes you love them so much more. Give them a chance to play with and help younger children, and to look after animals. See how loving they can be.

Share your son’s passions. Tom (my nine-year-old) and I have a wintertime ritual. On a Saturday afternoon we go to the second half of the local football game (which is about the right amount of time for us) and get in for free. We generally sit down by the fence, close enough to feel the earth and air move as the players surge past. Tom takes great pleasure in telling me who the players are and the rules, and I notice he often tells me the details he knows will interest me, like something about their lives outside football! The action is great, so vigorous and determined. The atmosphere at the historic ground is friendly and excited, a bubble of warmth on a cold afternoon. So different to watching it on the telly! It’s an urban adventure.

Boys often need help in connecting with things – a piece of work at school, with using the library, computers, newspapers, encyclopedias. Help them to organise their homework, partition the task into ‘do-able’ chunks, set realistic goals and help them to get there. Make the task smaller so they can relate to it, so they don’t feel overwhelmed and give up. At the same time, don’t take over – make sure they have the joy of their own achievement.

Expand your boys’ awareness, By walking, talking, noticing things, collecting things; by seeing how a tree changes with the seasons, or how a building project is developing. Show them how food happens – planning the purchases, choosing the fruit, the preparation and enjoyment of new foods. Involve them in planning family events and holidays. Show them how to combine their interests with those of others when planning.

Make sure they get enough sleep and a balance of social and quiet time. This is basic but critical. Embrace bedtime rituals, stories, cuddles, tickling on the back, whatever, so they feel safe, loved and at peace. A shared repertoire of favourite stories is invaluable.

Finally, you can really help your sons by supporting their relationship with their father. Fathers may not foresee and plan in the way you do, and this may limit their opportunities to what is nearest at hand. Gentle reminders can be appreciated. Put good men in the path of your son – a groovy music teacher, a valued handyman, a friend’s brother. Speak to them about good men, their qualities, and what you notice about how they act in different situations.

Recall their past – tell them what beautiful babies they were, what their births meant to you, what rays of sunshine they are in your life.

A deep harmony … a beautiful boy.

With warm wishes

JT