Читать книгу The Complete Parenting Collection - Steve Biddulph, Steve Biddulph - Страница 72

One day, in his early to mid-teens, each boy makes a very important discovery. A light globe goes on above his head. It suddenly occurs to him that he is bigger than his mother! Even the sweetest, gentlest boy just can’t help realising, sooner or later: ‘She can’t make me do it!’

The thought leads to action and, sooner or later, a boy will try to get the best of Mum by bluffing or intimidating her, even in subtle ways. This is an important teaching moment. Don’t panic, it isn’t necessary to worry or get scared.

Picture this if you will. Fourteen-year-old Sam is in the kitchen. Sam’s job is to do the dishes – clear them up, scrape them off, put them in the dishwasher and switch it on. No big deal – he’s done it since he was nine. But last night, he didn’t finish the job. So, tonight, when his mother goes to get the dishes from the dishwasher (to serve up the meal his father has cooked!) they are in there, unwashed, with green fur growing on them.

Sam’s mum naturally pulls him up. ‘What’s happened?’ But tonight Sam is fourteen! He heaves his shoulders back, he stalks about. Perhaps he speaks a little disrespectfully to his mother, under his breath.

Now let’s imagine this family is really lucky. One, it includes a father. Two, he’s home. And, three – he knows his job!

Sam’s father is in the lounge room reading the paper (kind of keeping an overview of things). He picks up on what is going on in the kitchen. This is his cue! Something deep inside him has been waiting for this moment. He folds his paper, strides to the kitchen, and leans on the fridge. Sam can feel him come in – it’s a kind of primeval moment, hormonal. He can feel the shift of power. The father looks long and hard at Sam and says some time-honoured words – words that you probably heard when you were fourteen.

‘Don’t speak to your mother in that tone of voice … ’

Now, Sam’s mother is a twenty-first-century woman, and is quite capable of dealing with Sam. The difference is she is not in it alone. Sam realises that there are two adults here who respect and support each other and who are going to bring him up well. The key feeling is ‘gentle but firm’. It’s as if they are saying to Sam, ‘You are a good kid, but you are not raised yet. We will work on that together to help you become a fine young man.’

Most importantly, Sam’s mother knows that she does not need to ever feel intimidated in her own home. It’s not a physical thing between the father and son, but a kind of moral force. If the father is for real, if he respects his partner and has credibility, then it will work every time, even if some more discussion is needed. The discussion should not be about the dishes, but about how to converse respectfully and safely. (If a mother is raising a boy on her own, things have to take a slightly different tack – this is discussed in the chapter on mothering, ‘Mothers and sons’.)