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‘I THINK I’M READY NOW’: GETTING BACK INTO THE SACK AFTER TRAUMA

Being sexually active after trauma is difficult. It is a series of baby steps to getting back to a place where you trust the world, other people, your partner, and your own body. It is okay to take the time you need to get back to having sex and being intimate. Not everyone will want to have sex after a traumatic experience and that is okay. If and when you are ready, then a safe space and a supportive partnership is key.

Here are some steps you can take to get there.

1. Find some support outside your shared sexual space

Having someone to speak to who is not your partner can be a good stepping-stone to dealing with the trauma you faced and becoming sexually active again. There are fears and issues that will get in the way of being sexually active again that you might not be able to hold within the relationship. If counselling services are open to you seek them out. If you do not have access to these, a close friend is also an option. However, be aware that this could also be heavy for them so ask first if they can handle you speaking about it. The main reason this convo should be taken outside the sexual shared space is to make sure that you can speak comfortably without feeling like you are putting heaviness into the space. You should speak to your sexual partner(s) as well, both for your safety and theirs, but sharing the day to day difficulties (thoughts/feelings that weigh you down) with other people outside of your relationship can do a lot to balance the deep and dark emotions. It might also help communicating with your sexual partner by having a space to speak that does not have all the extra elements of actually being in the sexual shared space.

2. Masturbate and touch yourself

There is no safer sex than sex with yourself. This is sex that you can control and be in charge of. The sex you have in this instance is about you, about your pleasure, about how much you want or do not want. Masturbating is great, not only for figuring out what your body wants but also for bringing back a sense of control over your body. Outside of masturbation, you should also touch your body. Take time to slowly appreciate it. Take time to build positive ideas about the body that you have in all its gloriousness. This is about being kind to yourself and loving yourself. Feel sexy. Feel desirable. Feel sensual. Feel comfortable. During this time do the kind of things that make your body feel sexy. You can try some light touches and massages. This is also a time to speak positive things about your body.

3. Establish dos and don’ts

Consent and speaking about what is cool and what is not cool is an important part of any sexual interaction. It is even more important in this case. After a trauma, making sure that you take care of yourself emotionally and mentally as well as physically is vital and so you need to be able to speak about what you can and cannot do. Having this conversation does not come naturally but it’s still a crucial one to have. Figure out what it is you are able to do and have a conversation about it. It is important to sit and actively think about your body, your sex, your limits.

Ask yourself the hard questions:

•Are there places on your body that you do or don’t like touched?

•Are there things in bed that you really like or that scare you?

•Are there things you want your partner to say or are there things that are off-limits to mention?

•Are there things that turn you off or turn you on?

Once you have all this info you can go to the person who you are (potentially) sharing sexual experiences with and speak to them about it in an open and honest way and, hopefully, they’ll understand.

Anyone who cannot accept and respect your boundaries is not worth having in your space.

4. Consider having a safe word when speaking about sex things

The conversation about sex can get intense, so if you choose to have it with a partner(s), having a safe word is always a good idea – if you say it then the conversation can be stopped and continued later when you are ready to have it again. Also establish the parameters of each conversation so that it doesn’t go further than you can handle.

5. Take your time

There is no time limit on this. You do not have to rush; you do not have to make sure the healing happens in a certain amount of time. Sometimes we feel the pressure to have sex with partners, sometimes we feel the pressure to ‘be okay’. Try to shake off this vibe. The act of healing is not straightforward, there will be good days and bad days. It can be three steps forward and two back and sometimes no steps at all. There shall be highs and lows. This is something many of us will go through and that’s very okay.

Thinking about this, know that you should take the time you need to be comfortable. When you start having sex do not start with trying to achieve mind-blowing orgasms. Start with small enjoyments, small accomplishments. Figuring out what feels good, what doesn’t. What makes you laugh or smile. What feels weird.

Don’t focus on orgasms. Sex doesn’t have to be about just that.

6. Start slow

Try gentle touches or a topless massage. Light kisses on places you like or even holding each other whilst naked. Try something you both agree on and take it step by step.

What may happen is that when you start being sexual again, more emotional content may come up.

This doesn’t mean that you have failed in getting sexy again. It’s just a sign that you are able to process more of the repressed emotional content from your trauma. It is important to allow for the space to stop during sexual acts, without guilt. Doing the sexy thing is going to be different each time. It’s okay if what felt good yesterday doesn’t feel good today.

7. Keep the convo going

This won’t all happen in one conversation or one time of naked cuddling, mutual masturbation or massage. This will take time, so keep the lines of communication open. Have the difficult conversations and keep engaging but do not stop being open. It is an important part of making sure that you remain safe in the sexual interaction. If you are willing to do the work, schedule regular conversations about it so that you can keep track of where you are at. Scheduling it also means you have time to think and prepare for a potentially difficult conversation. But know it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom, it can be a nice time spent together having a convo that is important for your sex life and building intimacy.

Communication is key to getting to a place where you can engage sexually in a way that is happy and healthy and does not push back against your traumas. Communication allows for constant checking in. Remember it should be done in a neutral place, not when you are about to have the sex.

Having sex after trauma is possible, never believe that it is not. If it is what you want then you can get there but it will take some time. It can also look like anything you want to, and you can shape your sex life as you please. There are so many ways to have sex (as you can see in this guide) so do not pressure yourself to have sex one way or another or force yourself to be having sex at all. It is about living and being comfortable in your body so take the steps and space you need to. It is about getting to a place of having a happy, healthy sex life.