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10

CONDOMS ARE CUMMIN’: INTERNAL, EXTERNAL AND PUTTING IT ON PROPERLY

You think you know how to put on a condom, right? Get hard, get it on and then get it on. Simple.

But the truth is there are things you probably forget or don’t know when it comes to using a condom.

And probably never really learnt.

Condom use is suspiciously absent from the public space. Other than having someone slip one from out of their pocket in a ‘safe sex advert’, movies and TV shows rarely, if ever, show people putting on a condom let alone showing you how to do it. You’d think that all people with a penis simply have one on all day every day, like underwear or a watch. Or people on TV are not using protection, which everyone should absolutely be doing. Condoms make sex so much safer (wildly so) protecting you from a whole host of STIs as well as pregnancy.

Let’s kick off with the fact that there are two types of condoms: internal condoms and external condoms.

Not only do condoms come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, bumps and grinds but they now can be inside the body or outside the body.

Internal condom: previously known as the female condom, this is a condom that can be inserted inside the body (vagina or anus). The internal condom was first introduced in 1993 but hasn’t quite gone viral yet, i.e. it’s not really a bestseller, but it is out there. They (currently) do not have as wide a range as external condoms. Basically you’d be hard pressed to find a cherry-flavoured internal condom even though adding flavoured lube is a good DIY fix in the meantime. There is some evidence of the internal condom floating about ancient Greece, usually made of a goat’s bladder. For the love of sex there were people putting the bladder of a goat inside themselves.6

External condom: this used to be known as the male condom and is the one that you slip on the outside (usually on a penis or a sex toy). It is the OG form of protection and has been around for millennia. These guys were used as far back as Ancient Egypt.7

Some random facts about condoms:

•Condoms have been around for ages. The first picture of one was a depiction of a man wearing a condom in a painting that was somewhere between 12 000 to 15 000 years old.

•The first condoms were made of sheep intestines (thank your condom companies for the upgrade).

•The large majority of people who have STIs do not show symptoms (so condoms are your friend helping you out even if you might not know).

•The average person with a penis will ejaculate about 53 litres of semen in their lifetime.

•Condoms have an average life of four years if they are kept cool and dry.

•You should not store condoms in your wallet or in the back of your jeans – the heat damages them.

•You cannot ‘double bag’ a condom meaning you cannot put on two condoms at once. It seems like a good idea. It isn’t. It does not add extra safety. It just increases the chance of both breaking.

•Using a condom cannot always guarantee that you won’t catch an STI because some infectious micro-organisms may be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact that isn’t covered by a condom. But they make still things much safer.

•In terms of condoms, size does matter (just don’t overestimate your size because this can lead to condom slippage). Don’t underestimate your size because it can cause breakage.

•Condom slippage can also occur when a penis begins to soften.

How to put on an external condom

Much as we think this is something we all know how to do, we don’t always necessarily know how to do it properly. There is no shame in not knowing how to put one on, very few people get taught how. So if you are embarrassed, practise putting one on a banana.

1.Check the expiry date of the condom. You wouldn’t want to eat expired food so don’t have sex with an expired condom. No one wants things inside them past their sell-by date. Check that there is an air bubble in the packet to make sure there isn’t a hole.

2.No matter how sexy you look do not use your teeth to open them. No sharp objects either (including scissors). We know you want to get to the condom quicker but these could damage them. You do not want a case of ‘wear and tear’ on a condom.

3.Believe it or not, you can put your condom on upside down. Or inside out. Depending on how you look at it. The rim should be on the outside so it unrolls easily. Make sure the little tip is facing up and out when you put it on. Unroll it a little to check it’s the right way up and out.

4.Pinch the little tip to allow an air-pocket at the end of the condom so that the condom can collect the cum (semen).

If you are uncircumcised it might be more comfy to pull your foreskin back before putting on a condom and rolling it down.

5.Have bomb sex.

6.When you are done and have seen the stars, moons and a few shades of the rainbow hold the rim of the condom and pull yourself out of your partner’s body.

7.Throw it away, preferably wrapped in a tissue to avoid awkward spillage.

•Losing your erection is nothing to be ashamed of. Life happens. If it happens, replace the condom.

•Do not use anything that is an oil (e.g. baby oil, coconut oil, Vaseline) with latex condoms because oil and latex do not mix, it will damage the latex.

•Add some lube inside and outside of the condom, this adds a little extra in terms of pleasure and stops the condom from breaking.

•Condoms can be a part of foreplay. It can get real sexy real quick when you add some lube and slide that on with a little dirty talk.

Reasons the internal condom rocks:

•You can put it on ahead of time (up to eight hours) so you can plan in advance when you getting some.

•They are also easy to use at the time.

•They protect the skin around the vagina and anus further reducing the risk of skin-to-skin transmission of STIs.

•They solve condom size problems because they are one size fits all. None of that ‘but it is too small’ conversation.

•They level out the responsibility and autonomy of condom use. Now we can all make the decision to put on a condom.

•It doesn’t require an erection for use.

•It doesn’t need to be removed immediately after sex: but note that things could get messy if someone cums inside you and you then stand up. It will trickle out.

•They are great for fisting and fingering in general, whether it is the anal or vaginal variety.

•There is subtle clitoral stimulation, slight but noticeable, because the entire condom moves with the motion of penetration whilst covering the area around the outside of the vagina.

How to put on an internal condom

1.Make sure you check the expiry date. That is a pretty standard thing with these things. You do not want an old condom inside you.

2.Drop a little lube on there even though the internal condom comes with lube – this decreases the chances of it tearing.

3.This condom isn’t just for your vagina. It’s safe for use in your anus too. Just make sure not to switch between the two. Don’t use it in one and then the other; one use only! If you are going to put it in your anus, remove the inner ring, if you are putting it in your vagina leave the ring in.

4.To put it in get into a comfy position. You can be sitting with one leg up on a chair, lying down, or squatting.

5.The thick inner ring with the closed end is what is placed in the vagina or anus and the outer ring stays outside the body and covers the opening.

6.If you are putting it in your vagina squeeze together the sides of the inner ring at the closed end and slide it inside like you would a tampon. Push the inner ring into your vagina as far up as it can go up to your cervix. The condom will expand naturally and you may not feel it.

7.If it is going into your anus, push the condom in with your finger (make sure you take out the inner ring though).

8.Once it is in there, make sure that the condom is not twisted. Pull out your finger and let the outer ring hang about an inch outside the vagina or anus. It can also sit against the body, what is important is that the outer ring remains outside the body.

9.When the penis or sex toy is sliding in hold the condom open to make sure that it does not slip to the side between the condom and your vagina or anus.

To remove an internal condom

Now the good times have happened and it’s time for the condom to be taken out.

1.If there is cum (semen) in the condom, twist the outer ring (the part hanging out) to keep the semen inside the pouch.

2.Gently pull it out of your vagina or anus and be careful not to spill the cum if there is any.

3.Throw that thing away because it is not reusable.

Sometimes it can move around during sex but the penis/sex toy should be completely surrounded by the condom at all times.

Do not think that you are being extra safe by using an internal and external condom. You might think you are being sharp but you are just increasing the chances of the condom(s) tearing.

‘But I’m clean’: Negotiating condom use

People trying to finesse risky sex should throw up huge red flags because part of healthy, happy sex is safe sex.

Knowing better means doing better.

Condoms are an important part of safe sex and there are different ways of engaging with them. Conversations about condom use should happen before the sex kicks off. Have the conversation before you are both butt naked and navigate any tricky terrain ahead of time. If it is a one-night stand or a quickie, have condoms on you and before the kissing and touching gets too hot and heavy, slow it down and have that conversation. Having the conversation when things start steaming up could lead to a slip-up of ‘just this once’.

There are some ways people try to wiggle out of wearing a condom when they don’t want to embrace the idea of being safe and sexy. Below are some thoughts on how to call bullsh*t and respond to some funky statements.

‘But I am clean and disease free! Don’t you trust me?’

‘I do trust you but sometimes people can have STIs and not know it. In fact, quite a few people do. Using protection means we can take care of both of us.’

‘Sex with condoms spoils things, it doesn’t feel the same.’

‘I feel more comfortable using protection and that’s an important part of me enjoying this. Also there are so many ways that using condoms doesn’t spoil things.’

‘But I/you are on the pill so…’

‘The pill doesn’t stop STIs and we both want to be safe in this … ’

‘There is no penis involved … no stick, no STIs.’

‘Sex between two people with vaginas can still mean catching some types of STIs so using condoms for things such as giving head and sharing toys is so necessary.’

‘I’m a little low on condoms aka I do not have any on me.’

‘I have some, right here.’ (This is where you make sure you keep some around or on you.)

‘Condoms can be confusing and I don’t know how to use them.’

‘I can show you and we can make it fun and sexy (bring out a little lube and quick wink). Want me to put it on for you?’

‘Let’s just do it without a condom this time.’

‘It only takes one time to get pregnant and/or to get an STI. I just can’t have sex unless I know I’m as safe as I can be.’

‘Other people don’t make me wrap it up!’

‘I am not other people and this is not just for me but for both of us. Asking you to use protection is something I want and should be able to ask for, like great sex. And the sex can be great. Even with a condom.’

It’s not only about the condoms. You always have to think about the fact that anything can happen. Protect yourself.