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HOW TO END THE SEX: BREAKING UP LIKE A BOSS

Tapiwa Guzha and Tiffany Kagure Mugo

Sometimes people’s thoughts cannot be separated and that is the case here. Call it a hivemind. This section was written alongside my fave Tapiwa.

Things change. One minute things are on and poppin’, next thing you don’t even want to see the person’s WhatsApp status let alone their naked body. People and relationships grow, regress or even stagnate. Should you find yourself in the place where at least one of you is no longer interested in a sexual relationship, your messy and oftentimes petty side can show up and wreak havoc. Sometimes it is you who wants to get out and you do things you might not be proud of later on.

In this difficult time we often develop single-minded approaches to dealing with conflict. We lose our ability to empathise with our partners and often fail to see any other perspectives. It is easier to survive the storm that is to come if we can blame it all on the other person. We see only their flaws and seek out affirmation from people in our lives who loyally agree with us even if you both know you are wrong, deep down. We focus on the faults of the other person, either to make ourselves feel better about leaving or to feel better about being abandoned.

It is often harder if the other person decides that the sexy times must end. We feel abandoned and rejected and insist that the other person’s decision to end the sex is all about us and not remotely relevant to them and what they need and want.

Humans are egocentric. But sometimes it is not you. It is them. And that is okay. Do not succumb to the idea that it is always about you (much as we feel it could be). Let’s try to not burden ourselves with that.

Other times it really is you and a little self-reflection couldn’t hurt. Finally, much like the rest of life, things aren’t always cut and dried. Sometimes it’s also a matter of everyone involved contributing to the collapse of this particular human interaction. That’s also okay.

While sex can be quite a significant aspect of any sort of relationship it is not a prerequisite for healthy and functional relationships, even those of an intimate nature. Think about asexuality, platonic intimacy and friendships. These are all healthy forms of relationships that aren’t dependent on sex and can still be immensely intimate. If your relationship with someone is completely hinged on the potential of getting sex or keeping sex on the table (see the friendzone section) then you may need to gather yourself and deal with some demons.

That isn’t how healthy human interaction works.

This also holds true for any other things besides sex. The most rewarding relationships are those you’re involved in voluntarily and where you give without expectations. Nobody is entitled to an eternal life of sex with a partner, as consent and willing participation can fluctuate across time. They may not want you anymore, as hard as that is to engage with. Sometimes simply taking the attitude ‘not my monkeys, not my circus’ will help you realise that you don’t have to deal with everyone’s emotions or ideas.