Читать книгу Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex - Tiffany Kagure Mugo - Страница 12

If you’ve all decided that sex is no longer on the table, the first thing you should probably settle on is whether you want to continue being in each other’s lives. For some people it’s easy to compartmentalise things and they can maintain friendships once the sex and love is gone, but for some that isn’t a viable option. Decide on something that works best for everyone, together and stick to it. Make the decision based on your unique relationship and not on what the mainstream would like to cookie cut into your lives. Maybe it’s a matter of taking some time apart from each other for a while, maybe it’s goodbye forever or maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.

You are still amazing even if someone ends it with you. What is important is that everyone’s needs are met moving forward, even if that means moving on.

So in light of this we are going to give you some wisdom on how to slide out of sex in a solid manner.

Don’t make it about yourself

The mantra here is ‘decentre yourself’. If you still want to have sex with someone who no longer feels the same, don’t make it about you. Without consensual participation from all of you, your feelings around it only matter to you, and are about you, and you should try to keep it that way. It’s okay to experience sadness or other ‘negative’ emotions and grieve the loss of this particular connection to this other human. Loss of any kind is often painful but remember insisting on a sexual relationship where only one of you is keen is wrong.

Honesty is often the best policy

Now when we speak of honesty, we do not mean being unkind. There is a way to be kind and also honest. Think what could hurt someone and what could not. It’s important to communicate exactly why you no longer want to have sex with a person. Don’t be cruel with your disclosure but definitely be clear and honest about your feelings and reasons. The least you can do is share the truth as this will most likely help the other party process things in the long run. You don’t have to defend your reasons to anyone and it can be as simple as you don’t enjoy the sex any longer.

Get off each other’s social media and create healthy boundaries

Unfollow. Mute. Leave the socials for a little bit if you need a breather. Unfollow mutual users. Create some sort of social media barrier. In these digital times we are often linked to the people we have sex with via some kind of social media platform. People out here tweeting, grammin’, and Facebooking their whole lives, and then liking and double tapping each other. And once you stop tapping, that double tap can be a problem. Cyber space, we can all agree, is a terrible way of assessing people’s state of being and we often compare ourselves and our misery unfavourably to other people’s well-curated digital presence. We can also be guilty of actively trying to sell the illusion that we ourselves are doing fantasticly and are so much better without them. So if you feel you don’t want to be in each other’s respective lives, an unfollow on their internets is probably a good idea. Avoid posting content with the sole purpose of spiting the other person and don’t stalk people’s accounts to help you deal with the separation. That never ends well.

Take a step back and arrange yourself

Now you have some breathing space where you can get to some housekeeping. This phase of relationships is probably a good moment to take care of some sexual health things. Ideally you should maintain excellent sexual hygiene throughout your life but certainly that time between partners is a great time to examine your sexual behaviour and get your biology checked out as well.

If you are in consensual, non-monogamous relationships it’s important to also keep track of how this new reality can spill into your remaining sexual partnerships. While some partners can be supportive and help you deal with the end of days don’t take it for granted that they want to. Talk to them about it and come up with strategies that will help you grieve and process, all the while still trying to maintain and sustain your remaining partnerships. It’s probably best to figure out these boundaries in more neutral times especially if the sex is part of more formalised partnerships (see section on different ypes of relationships).

How long do you wait until you try new sex?

Is there really a universally appropriate and adequate time to wait before finding a new sexual partner (or maybe continuing sex with your other partners)? Usually when you move on exes see that as you being wild and betraying them if you do not at least wait for the length of the relationship plus an extra few months for control. Sometimes even simply moving on is a betrayal. We want people to move on when we are good and ready to pass on our blessings and not a second before.

But remember the first rule: decentre yourself. Do not make this about you.

Remember it’s quite possible to have an interest in new people and simultaneously still feel the loss of an old relationship. Also, you’re never going to process the new sex-less situation or new nature of your relationship in precisely the same amount of time or in the same way as each other. It’s best to focus on yourself and how you can carry on with your life in this new state of reality and not try to manage the other person’s choices and reality. You never owned them or had control over their life when you were engaged in the sex and certainly do not have ownership of them now.

Remember good times you shared, it wasn’t all bad

It is easy to recreate a false version of events that paints the entire relationship in a negative light. We often default to disregarding an entire relationship of any sort simply because it didn’t end up the way we wanted it to. It’s easy to focus on the bad things and lash out and we forget we also shared amazing moments and experiences with this person. Even if there aren’t any bad moments we then focus on the termination as the ultimate betrayal and use our hurt and pain to justify spewing cruelty into the world. As much as you may be hurting, remember you’re not the only one experiencing this loss. Even if it was the other person who insisted on it.

People are often quick to discard relationships and disregard any good that came from them and make a point of hurting the other people involved. Often things end and we are like:

‘You were never any good’.

‘On to the next d*ck please.’

‘F**k your mama and papa. And your second cousin twice removed on your granddad’s side.’

This is often a defence mechanism. Granted there are some very toxic situations that need to be discarded like yesterday’s trash but this is the exception and not the rule.

Keep to the rules

If you agree on some rules/boundaries around your sexual separation, keep to them for as long as they are the healthy thing to do. It can be tempting to want to reach out, follow online, start having sex again etc. and this can leave you in a worse-off position once you have regained your senses. Think about what you want may do to the other person, even if it may feel good for you. Also consider the repercussions once the initial ‘good’ feeling passes. Will it feel great to have called and said how much you miss them sitting on your face? Will it feel good to hang out with their friends in order to feel close to them?

Delete that cellphone number if you know you and alcohol have been known to call people at 2 am. It is not a ‘mistake’ simply because tequila is the one who had the phone and not you.

You don’t have to stop being in each other’s lives

So, the sex is over. It could be hard to still interact because now you could feel that the most important part is also gone.

This could be the case.

Sometimes the sex was well and truly the only bond.

But sometimes there was more to it.

Many of us have learnt that sexual relationships are all or nothing kinda experiences and sex is an intrinsic part of that interaction. Without it everything falls apart and going back to a sex-less state of connection is somehow backtracking on your intimacy and the quality of the connection. However, if this person is a significant part of your life, surely you’d still benefit from a continued friendship? Establish new boundaries and keep each other in check but definitely fight for your friendship. You can still be just as close and have long-lasting and fruitful friendships. You don’t have to hang out all the time or hear about or meet their new partners but it’s quite possible. Part of your emotional intelligence (EQ is real, people) is being able to make rational and healthy choices even in the face of what you’ve been taught is unnatural. Think for yourself and assess these evolving dynamics for yourself, from person to person.

Break-ups and ending sexual/romantic relationships can be difficult and will have a different impact on different people. What is best is to make sure you are taking care of yourself and also not causing any harm as you draw yourself towards yourself and rebuild after the storm.

The end of the sex is as important as the start. Ending the sex in a healthy and wholesome way will not only make it so that you can have great new sex but also make sure that you are okay moving forward as a single happy human. It is an important part of putting down that heavy baggage that can come with a break-up, having a proper game plan can make it a whole lot better.

Tapiwa doesn’t believe in kinks and fetishes. He’s a ‘Yes man’ who’s ready and willing to try all the things, all the time. Tiff wrote this book. You know her.