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SEX POSITIVITY 101: IS IT JUST ALL ABOUT HAVING WILD SEX? (SPOILER: NO)

Sex positive (n): An attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation. The sex-positive movement also advocates for comprehensive sex education and safe sex as part of its campaign.

Sex positivity is seen as something that is simply wild and sexy, or super scary to some. What does it mean that people are actively and openly engaging with sex? The world must be ending, degenerating into an endless orgy no one will escape from.

This is not true.

Sex positivity means different things to different people but comes down to one core concept: having a healthy relationship with sex, no matter what form it comes in. Being sex positive is about helping people have the sex lives that work best for them.1

When you think about sex positivity there are a few ideas to understand:

1.Sexuality is vast. There is more to life than being straight or gay. There is so much colour and complexity in between.

2.Consent is key.

3.Consent and respect for different identities is the glue that keeps it all together.

4.Having comprehensive sex education is super important, going well beyond just abstinence and ‘Be afraid of sex!’ lessons.

There are some myths about what it means to be sex positive. These lies include:

•All sex positive people are always down to have sex.

•Everyone who is sex positive wants to be called a ‘ho’ and a ‘slut’.

•The greater the number of naked bodies you have seen the better you are at sex positivity.

•All porn is good porn, all nakedness on the screen is good.

•Sex positive people are white, western and cisgender.

•If you are sex positive you are into everything in bed. Anything and everything.

Again, there are so many ways to be sex positive and you may identify with some things but not others and that’s what it’s all about, being unequivocally, unashamedly you, in all your sexy glory.

But like any good club sometimes it’s best to have some ground rules. So, how do you know if you’re part of the sex positive club? Here are some criteria that will help you know if you are down or not.

Having sex is healthy, but so is not having sex: There are asexual and grey-sexual people.

Stop glamourising sex: Once you are sex positive you don’t have to be having all the sex and be chatting about all the great sex you are having.

No slut-shaming: Slut-shaming also means shaming people who are more ‘out of the box’ with their sexuality than you, i.e. you feel the sex they like is out there, strange and wild. Just because it doesn’t turn you on doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You can also shame people who are ‘more in the box’ than you, i.e. for being too vanilla.

Know thyself: It’s important to always dig into your own emotions/mind/psyche and assess: What is this doing for me? How do I feel afterward? How is my sex life impacting other areas of my life? Just because you like something sexually doesn’t mean it is good for you.

Listen. Listen. Listen: Listen to how people engage with their sex positivity; it will mean different things for different people.

Consent is sexy in lots of forms: Enthusiastic consent can lead to a lot less wild sex but a lot more enjoyable healthy sex. There is also starting and stopping. One idea I love is that if someone turns you down sexually, the proper way to respond is, ‘Thanks for taking care of yourself.’

Intimacy is complex: It can mean different things to different people. One person’s intimacy is another’s awkward moment. As one Frisky article says: ‘For some people, sex is easy, but it’s also good to acknowledge that sex can be heavy. It isn’t all casual orgies and running through fields of daisies naked’.2 Sex can be hard work, no matter what pop culture tells you.

Being sex positive is about doing better because you know better. It’s about having the best sex you want to have.