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SIPPING THE SEXUAL TEA WITH DR T: WHY IS PLEASURE IMPORTANT?

A CONVERSATION WITH DR TLALENG MOFOKENG

Dr T has long been a source of wisdom in my life and always there to offer advice on all things sexual and medical. Who better to ask about what pleasure means, why she does what she does and how we should all be having better sex?

One of the motivators for me, to do this work around sexual pleasure, is often when we speak of sexual health we neglect to include sexual pleasure and help people to navigate all the different questions and experiences that they are having.

Not enough people are affirmed enough to know that they do not have to wait for sex, without any moral judgements. I prescribe to the pleasure revolution and part of the pleasure revolution is for people to know that the right to sexual pleasure is a right that they possess. They should be able to have sex in a manner that is exciting for them and in a way that allows them to negotiate safer sex. Furthermore, this kind of sex should not leave them feeling unsatisfied.

This is why I encourage people to partake in masturbation (alone or even as a couple), which helps a lot with intimacy.

There are many ways to be sexual and intimate and physically connected with a partner. Sex does not begin with an erection and it certainly does not end with ejaculation. Sadly, for a lot of people there is not much happening in between except boredom, anxiety and for some people even pain.

A lot of the work I do focuses on tackling the idea of consent. There can never be sexual pleasure without consent. So anything that is not consensual is not sex. Without enthusiastic ongoing consent there is no sex. When things go wrong, namely when there is coercion or fear or anxiety or outright violence and abuse, the consequences of those things are lifelong. Some people do not even know they have been the victims of violence because they carry so much shame. They believe sex happens to them and if they do not like what’s being done to them then there is something wrong with them. Women are burdened with the idea that they live for the gaze of men and the enjoyment of men and patriarchy is a system that punishes women who do not live by this idea.

There is the need to be insistent that sex is not just something that happens with a penis and vagina – sex is so much more than that and all the other types of sex have been deliberately erased. There is a false notion that this is a new idea of what sex is, but sex has always been open, it has always been fluid and sexual pleasure has always been something that people seek. But in the context of all our other concerns, namely sexual health concerns, relationship issues and issues around consent, we need to pay specific attention to sexual pleasure and what it means.

Having sex can be a subversive act, having sex is activism. Having mind-blowing orgasms is part of the Pleasure Revolution. The only way we can do that is by having affirming sexual experiences that honour the fact that we have rights to pleasure.

Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng is an MD, author of Dr T: A Guide to Sexual Health and Pleasure, a sexual reproductive rights expert, radio and TV host and founder of Nalane Reproductive Justice. Basically, she is everything.