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CONSENT 101: BACK TO BASICS

Sex is nice right? But before you can fly you must walk, and before you walk you must crawl. Before you can have sex, you must understand consent.

Consent is the bedrock of all activities not just sexual but for the sake of this book let us keep it to the sexy times. There is a lot you shall encounter in this manual, words of wisdom that will take your fornication to the next level, but before that you need to understand the basics.

Consent (n): a voluntary agreement to engage in a sexual activity. To give consent is the ability to say yes to something on your own terms. Consent can also be applied to any interaction be it physical or emotional, as well as sexual.

We are taking this further and saying consent should be a lot more than the presence of a no but the presence of an enthusiastic yes! It is better to do all the things described in this book with happy and engaging Yes-es ringing around the room. Consent is the starting point to building strong intimate sexual and romantic relationships. It’s about being able to choose what kinds of experiences we enter into with other people, without agreeing to do these things only in order to avoid a negative consequence.

Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact without voluntary consent. If consent is not voluntary it is coerced.

Sexual harassment is any behaviour or communication directed at someone with the intention of attacking their sexuality, sexual identity, or sense of safety. Unlike sexual assault, sexual harassment is not physical and tends to be more verbal, using symbols and gestures.

There are various ways people can show a lack of consent including freezing up, pulling away, going silent or even crying. It does not have to be kicking and screaming and yelling to show a lack of consent. Hesitation and a lack of surety is often an indication of a lack of consent.

Consent3 is usually defined in real black and white terms: yes and no. But there is so much more to consent than that. It is dynamic, ongoing and a constant negotiation.

•Consent can be withdrawn.

•Consent is not forever: it is not a case of once consent is given for one thing then it is given for everything, that when it is given once it applies for all time. Giving consent for one thing at a certain time does not mean that there is blanket consent for all acts all the time.

•Consent is continuous.

Consent and coercion

One of the ways perpetrators of sexual violence violate consent, is through coercion. It is used in many sexual assaults.

It is not that someone did not say no; it is that they couldn’t say no. Coercion is manipulation.

It comes in various forms, including:

•pressuring (e.g. repeatedly asking someone until they are worn down)

•threatening (e.g. ‘I’ll break up with you if you don’t have sex with me’)

•intimidating (e.g. smashing something when someone says ‘no’)

•blackmailing (e.g. ‘I’ll tell everyone you’re gay if you don’t’)

•guilt-tripping (e.g. ‘If you really loved me you would have sex with me’)

Consent and relationships

You do not have to have sex with your partner. Being in a relationship does not mean that you are entitled to sex. Often people feel that they must give their partners sex or that they do no need to gain explicit consent from their partners for sex, but this is a lie. Partners can sexually assault their partners.

Without consent, having sex with someone is rape. It is true that the way we express consent in relationships changes over time but checking in and making sure that everyone is happy and healthy within the realm of your sex life is important. If a partner is feeling pressured to have sex or is scared to say no to sex or feels they can simply demand sex, this is not a good place to be. Consent includes all things such as hugging, kissing, touching as well as sex.

Read more about this in the chapter ‘More sex? Different sex? Some sex? Tips for chatting coitus’ about chatting sex with your partner. Read it. Learn It. Love It.

Metaphor for consent: Sipping tea

EMMELINE MAY

Still having a tough time with this? Here is a great metaphor for consent as a cup of tea.

‘If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.

You say, ‘Hey, would you like a cup of tea?’ and they go, ‘OMG, fuck yes, I would fucking love a cup of tea! Thank you!’ Then you know they want a cup of tea.’

If they are unconscious:

Don’t make them tea. Unconscious people can’t answer the question, ‘Do you want tea?’ because they are unconscious.

If you are not sure if they want the tea:

Then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then – this is the important bit – don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for your going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say no, thank you:

Then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, okay?

They might say, ‘Yes, please, that’s kind of you,’ and then when the tea arrives, they actually don’t want the tea at all.

Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil the kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

Maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious:

You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and — this is the important bit — don’t make them drink the tea.

If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it:

Don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said ‘yes’ to tea around your house last weekend:

That doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going, ‘but you wanted tea last week,’ or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going ‘but you wanted tea last night.’4

Rape culture: Is it just people promoting rape? (No.)

Rape culture (n): ‘a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm . . . In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable . . .’ ~ Emily Buchwald

One of the first things we need to understand about rape culture is that it’s not just a whole society simply saying, ‘rape is good!’ and promoting it but something a lot more intricate and low-key. It is the implicit and undercover ways we excuse and tolerate sexual violence. It is about how it creeps into our every day through our language, thoughts and beliefs. It is about how it sneaks into our cultural and social practices. And even though a whole bunch of the talk is about how rape culture affects women, it can affect people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Examples of rape culture:

•Thinking that being sexually attractive/sexually open allows for someone to be sexually aggressive towards you (e.g. ‘But she posts those sexy selfies/blogs about sex/ wears those outfits.’)

•Blaming the victim (e.g. ‘They asked for it.’)

•Trivialising sexual assault (e.g. ‘Boys will be boys!’, ‘But you can see they want it …’)

•Sexually explicit jokes

•Thinking of sex as a hunting game – with a predator and prey (e.g. ‘going out on the prowl’)

•Tolerance of sexual harassment (e.g. when people say ‘But they are just admiring you’, even if it makes you uncomfortable)

•Assuming only promiscuous people get raped (e.g. ‘She is one of those “loose girls” so it was bound to happen.’)

•Thinking that only ‘bad men’ rape, that rape happens only with psychopaths who are strangers, so your husband/boyfriend/friend/loved one could not have raped you. (e.g. ‘My friend/brother/father/loved one is not a rapist.’)

•Refusing to take rape accusations seriously (e.g. ‘Was it rape or did things just happen badly in a way you didn’t like?’)

•Highlighting the cases of false rape and inflating those numbers (e.g. ‘Yeah sure 7/10 women get sexually assaulted in their lives but what about the two women who lied in 1992?’)

•Teaching people to avoid getting raped instead of teaching sexual predators not to rape (e.g. ‘Do not leave your drink unattended, do not wear this or that)

•Publicly scrutinising a victim’s dress, mental state, motives and history as if this allows for sexual violence against them

•Gratuitous gendered violence in movies and television

•Defining ‘manhood’ as dominant and sexually aggressive (Like saying. ‘I shall give her the d!’ *thumps chest*)

•Defining ‘womanhood’ as submissive and sexually passive (e.g. ‘Do not get down on the first night.’)

•Pressure on men/masculine people to ‘score’/get laid’/‘give it to them …’

•Pressure on women to not appear ‘cold’ or play sexually coy

•Thinking that men don’t get raped or that only ‘weak’ men get raped.