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THE TAPIR

Tapirs are animals used in geography books. Geography could be taught without Tapirs but it would not be the same. Geography with Tapirs gives children the right start in life. If they go wrong later on, it is not the fault of the Tapir. The Tapir’s most prominent feature is his short flexible trunk, or proboscis, made of his nose and upper lip. It is not much good and it spoils his appearance. As Tapirs are built close to the ground they have no need of trunks, but it is too late to do anything about it now. The Tapir has a rudimentary tail, so he is a sight both coming and going. He resembles a Hog with proboscis trouble, but don’t tell that to a Tapir. He thinks he looks like a Horse because he has a thin, skimpy mane on his neck. He trots and gallops and fools nobody.¹ The South American Tapir is brownish and so are Baird’s Tapir and Dow’s Tapir of Central America.² The Malayan or Two-toned Tapir is black fore and aft with a whitish middle because he believes in disruptive coloration. When lying down he looks exactly like a big gray rock. That is, he thinks he does. All baby Tapirs have light longitudinal stripes and spots which render them invisible to some people in the sun-flecked forest. Their mother sees them and I see them but these people go tripping over them all the time. I may be peculiar. I can see striped objects as well as plain ones, if not better. Baby Tapirs are simply wonderful but they soon get over that. The male Tapir never visits his family. He never knows the comforts of a home full of romping young Tapirs and the joys of a life-long companionship with a female Tapir. That sort of thing is exactly what he doesn’t want and he arranges his life so that he doesn’t get it. No, he is not lonely.³ All the Tapir asks is a quiet life in the woods and streams. He avoids the Anaconda, the Jaguar, and Man.⁴ The Tapir is an odd-toed ungulate, with only three toes on his hind feet. From some points of view it is better to have an even number of toes, for odd-toed ungulates are more likely to become extinct.⁵ Besides, Tapirs refuse to adapt themselves to modern conditions. They hate modern conditions even more than I do, so I’m afraid they are on their way out. Now, don’t get all upset about it. That won’t help matters in the least.

1 The Tapir is distantly related to the Horse in a collateral sort of way. He is also a cousin of the Rhinoceros, a fact he would rather forget.

2 Dr. Baird and Captain Dow always maintained that their Tapirs were a little different from all other Tapirs. Maybe so.

3 Buffon called the Tapir a gloomy and melancholy animal. Only sometimes.

4 Tapirs feel fairly safe in the Zoo, where they are protected by iron bars.

5 The Hog is an even-toed ungulate. There will always be Hogs.