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THE KOALA

The Koala or Native Bear of Australia is not a bear. He is a marsupial, but he wants to look like a Teddy Bear and he succeeds so well that most people think he is one.¹ Koalas are quaint little creatures with woolly gray fur and an expression of utter innocence. Nobody is as innocent as all that. I wasn’t born yesterday. The truth is that Koalas are polygamous and most of them are promiscuous. Koalas live in eucalyptus trees, sleeping by day in some comfortable fork of their dwelling and eating the leaves at night. This sounds like an ideal existence, but it isn’t quite perfect. You finally run out of leaves and have to move to another tree. Koalas subsist entirely upon eucalyptus leaves and will eat only twelve of the 380 species found in Australia. If you offer them some other kind they say it’s spinach. In a state of nature they never drink any water. When offered a spoonful of the stuff, they try to chew it. In captivity they learn to drink sweetened tea and eat cake and die of indigestion. They are subject to pneumonia, ophthalmic diseases, periostitis of the skull, internal parasites, and ticks.² The male Koala is neurotic. During the mating season from early September to late January he sits on a limb and wails all night long, stopping only for meals. When crossed in love he screams something awful, but he soon forgets the incident and resumes his soft melancholy cry. Koalas cannot remember for more than ten minutes, the lucky fellows!³ You can’t own a Koala because they are now so scarce that they are not allowed to leave Australia. Maybe it’s just as well, for pet Koalas are really something. They hate to be left alone and take steps to prevent it. They fasten their arms around your neck and hold on until forcibly detached. They also hang to your clothing by all their sharp little claws and cannot be induced to let go of your hair. You spend most of your time picking Koalas off yourself. Koalas are at their best in their favorite pick-a-back position. Mother and child are simply adorable as they look out from their tree, full-face view, watching for someone to show up with a camera. Koalas are so gentle that they never attack anybody and they cannot defend themselves because they wouldn’t have the slightest idea how to do it.⁴