Читать книгу What Women Want Men To Know - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 15

I begin this book with an admission to men on behalf of the women you love and the women who love you:

We want men to understand us, to truly grasp why we are the way we are and why we need the things we do.

And we feel frustrated and upset when it appears that you don’t understand us.

But the truth is – and here’s the admission – we do not always fully understand ourselves, either.

Why is it, for instance, that at one moment a woman can seem to be so strong and competent, and the next so fragile and insecure?

What is it about us that makes us feel like a powerful goddess when we are at our best, and like a helpless little girl at our worst?

Why can we be the most enthusiastic cheerleader, the most stalwart supporter, the most loyal protector, the most wise adviser to everyone else – but not always to ourselves?

What does it mean that we can do a million things at once and seem to be handling it all effortlessly until suddenly, in one moment, we collapse under the weight of too much responsibility and just want to crawl under the covers?

Where does our ability to love so deeply come from?

Why is it that we so easily sacrifice our own needs in order to fulfill those of others?

Why do we seem to require more time, attention, and reassurance from men than they require from us?

Why are we the way we are?

We know men ask themselves these questions about us. And whether we readily admit it or not, we have the same questions about ourselves. The good news is that there are answers, reasons that, as women, we feel what we feel, and do what do. These answers are contained in the pages that follow, and are meant to enlighten women as well as men, as they shed light on the mystery of our nature, of our mind and our heart, of our desires and our longings.

Allow me, for a moment, to take you into the heart of a woman, and, through the following stories, reveal our own struggle to understand ourselves:

You know the man you love is going through a hard time in his life, contemplating making some difficult business decisions. Lately, he’s been anxious and distracted, and you want so badly to help in some way. One night after dinner you bring up the subject of his dilemma, sharing some thoughts you’ve had about the challenges he faces, suggesting steps he could take to resolve his problem. As you begin to talk to him, a tense look appears on his face, and with each new idea you present his frown gets worse and worse. Suddenly, you feel him pull away, as if you’ve just been shut out entirely.

“What’s wrong, honey?” you ask with concern.

“I just want to handle this situation myself,” he replies curtly “I don’t need your advice.”

“But I’m only trying to help,” you explain.

“Why don’t you let me figure it out my own way? Don’t you trust me?” he answers, obviously angry. “I hate when you get bossy and controlling like this.” And he leaves the room.

You stand there watching your husband walk away, your heart pounding and tears filling your eyes. You want to run after him, but you can’t find the right words to explain how you feel, how all you wanted to do was to support him. Instead, your efforts have made things even worse. You feel like such a failure. And a part of you wonders: “Is he right? Am I controlling like he says?”

A long weekend is coming up, and you want to spend it with your boyfriend. You had hoped he would mention it by now, but he hasn’t, and you are starting to worry. One night while talking with him on the phone, you bring up the subject: “Have you thought about the holiday weekend?”

“Not really,” he responds.

“Well,” you continue tentatively, “I was hoping we could be together, maybe even go away somewhere.”

Your boyfriend becomes very quiet, and after a few moments says in a flat voice: “Let’s see how the week goes.”

How the week goes? What does he mean by that, you think to yourself. You begin to feel a little panicky. “Don’t you want to spend time with me?” you ask him in a shaky voice.

“Of course I do,” he replies with growing irritation, “but why do we have to plan everything? Can’t you be more spontaneous? You’re so insecure all the time!”

You don’t know how to answer him. You just know that you’d feel so much better if you were sure you could look forward to seeing him that weekend, but you’ve already told him that, and there doesn’t seem to be anything else to say. The conversation ends, and as you get off the phone, you have an ache in your chest that won’t go away. You wonder: “Is he right? Am I too insecure?”

Your husband has left on a business trip. When he arrives at the airport in his destination city, he calls briefly to check in and let you know he is going out for dinner with a client. That night as it’s time for bed you lie there waiting for the phone to ring. You try his hotel room a few times, but get no answer. You leave several messages, and you wait, and you wait, but he doesn’t call. By now, it’s two in the morning, and you’re terribly anxious and worried. Where could he be, and why hasn’t he called? What could keep him from wanting to say good night to you? You finally fall into an uneasy sleep.

The next morning, you get up feeling hopeful, expecting to hear from your husband, but still, nothing. You try to make excuses for him, but you’re having a hard time convincing yourself: “If he was really tired last night, he could at least have called this morning.” As the hours go by with no word from him, your worry turns to paranoia, and your mind proceeds to parade its worst fears before you. “Maybe something is really wrong,” you imagine. “Maybe he got sick; or maybe he’s deliberately avoiding me.” And then the worst fear of all: Could he be there with another woman?

Finally, that evening, your husband calls, and to your great surprise, acts as though everything is fine. “Why didn’t you call me last night or this morning?” you ask in an anxious voice. “I was so worried!”

“I had just talked to you when I arrived, and after dinner I was exhausted and just collapsed into bed,” he answers, his voice expressing bewilderment that you are upset at all. “And this morning I was focused on getting ready for my meeting. Then I went from one event to another. I figured we would talk sometime today.”

You try to explain why you were so agitated at not hearing from him, but it doesn’t come out right, and you’re afraid you sound too desperate and clingy. Your husband listens, and you know by his response that he is annoyed. “Do I have to check in with you every five minutes?” he says sharply “Why do you fall apart just because I don’t call you for twenty-four hours?”

The conversation ends on a bad note, and when you hang up the phone, you feel awful. All you had wanted to do was let him know how much you missed him. Why couldn’t he understand how worried you’d been? Was it that unreasonable for you to have been concerned when he didn’t call or answer his phone? Or could it be that he was right: “Is something wrong with me?” you wonder. “Am I really too needy?”

Most women reading these stories will resonate with the experiences and emotions described because, whether to a lesser or greater extent, we’ve all had these feelings at one time or another. We wonder if our reactions to our partner are justified or if they are overreactions. We question whether our needs are legitimate or excessive. “Am I normal?” we ask ourselves.

As for men, well, I suspect that many of you reading these stories will probably have a very different response, something like: “Here are three perfect examples of the way women overreact and drive men nuts!” And you’re right – these scenarios are typical of the kinds of things women do and feel that men simply don’t understand, and therefore, often categorize as undesirable female behavior.

It is easy to condemn something when we don’t understand it. When not seen with eyes of wisdom and deep comprehension, a woman’s unique and beautiful characteristics can appear as something else not so beautiful to men, and even to ourselves. But when you learn the inner secrets of a woman’s nature, suddenly what appeared to be confusing becomes clear, what seemed unacceptable becomes appreciated, what was challenging becomes endearing.

When I prepared to write this section of the book, my goal was simple. I was looking for a few basic truths about who women are that would help us and the men we love understand our feelings and our behavior. In my research I asked women:

“What are the things you want the man you love to understand about you as a woman at the deepest level of your being?”

“What do you need to explain to your partner about your female nature that is very basic to you, yet, you suspect, so different from the way he experiences the world as a man?”

In the chapters that follow, I’ve done my best to summarize these basics about who women are, why we are that way, and what we want men to know about loving us. The first few chapters focus on three characteristics, the ones I believe are essential to understand in order to truly understand women. So much of why women do what we do, feel what we feel, and say what we say has its source in these truths. They are:

THE THREE BASIC TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN

1. Women put love first.

2. Women are creators.

3. Women have a sacred relationship with time.

Chapters 4, 5, and 6 present the three secret needs every woman has as a once-and-for-all response to men’s question: “Is there really something I can do that will make her stop complaining and be happy?” (Yes, there is!) And finally, Chapter 7 details “Seven Myths Men Believe About Women and Why They Are Absolutely Wrong”!