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Men, I am going to be making this point over and over again throughout the book: Each time you refuse to understand why your mate is feeling upset about something, whether you realize it or not you end up causing or exacerbating the very behaviors and emotions you dislike in her! In other words, she may not start out feeling insecure – she’s just behaving in ways women do when they put love first – but your critical reaction to her behavior alarms her, and then she does begin feeling insecure.

In my years working with thousands of women, and in the research and interviews I did for the book, this information is one of the most essential things women wanted men to know.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

When you don’t make an effort to understand a little bit more about why women are the way they are, you can unwittingly contribute to the very behaviors in your partner that you can’t stand!

Remember the story I presented earlier about the woman whose husband didn’t call her from his out-of-town trip? He couldn’t understand why she was so upset and accused her of being insecure for needing to speak with him. Well, the reason she was upset was simple: She was imagining herself in her husband’s situation, and she knew that if she had been the one who was out of town, and didn’t call home for almost twenty-four hours, it would have meant that she was deliberately avoiding him, and that something was terribly wrong. She would have never not checked in with him, so she concluded that his not checking in with her meant he didn’t care about her feelings.

Her husband didn’t understand this principle. He just knew that she was upset, and this made him feel a bunch of feelings he didn’t want to feel: that he’d done something wrong; that he’d somehow upset her; that she had certain expectations of him that took away his sense of being independent and free; that suddenly there was a problem between them. Rather than taking the time to understand why she might have been upset, or expressing his remorse for worrying her, he blamed her for being upset in the first place. It was as if he was saying: “You’re upset because there is something wrong with you, and not because of anything I may have done or not done.”

His wife received this message loud and clear. What was the result? It only made her feel worse, and actually created the very insecurity he accused her of The more he invalidated her feelings and attributed them to her neediness rather than to her love, the more hurt and worried she became.

Guys, this story is a perfect illustration of why I believe you should be motivated to put what you’ve read here into practice. Wouldn’t it be great to know that, by handling conversations or situations with your mate just a little differently, you could prevent many of the upsets and stressful moments that you dread in your relationship? When you try some of what I suggest in the following section, you will be amazed to see how well the woman you love responds.

Here’s a summary of what I think are the most important points to remember about everything we’ve been discussing. Men, this is the section where you can really get the bottom-line information that will help you understand and get along better with your partner. And ladies, this is the part of the chapter you want to show to your husband or boyfriend even if he hasn’t read the rest!

# 1 What Women Do When We Put Love First:

We always want to invest time and energy into our relationship.

We want to talk to our man, be with him, work on staying connected.

We want to make plans, to create special memories.

We want to do whatever we can to make the relationship close, strong and lasting.