Читать книгу What Women Want Men To Know - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 23

You think we’re too obsessive and can’t just relax and let things be.

You think we are too emotional and reactive.

You think we’re criticizing you and saying you aren’t good enough.

You think we want to control you and tell you how to do things.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

Women are fierce protectors of love.

Because love is so important to women, we feel a responsibility to maintain and protect it. That is why we are always evaluating our relationship to see if there are any problems lurking about, or any issues we need to deal with, so they don’t blow up into major stumbling blocks. All of the time and energy women put into trying to work on the relationship are just reflections of her commitment to love, and her commitment to you – she is investing in and attempting to protect her most valuable asset.

Women have a powerful system of internal radar for detecting emotional tension in other people, particularly our mates. It is as if we are always on guard, watching for anything that might threaten the integrity of our relationship from the outside, or from the inside. So when we ask you “What’s wrong?” or suggest we talk about a problem, it’s NOT because we are trying to “stir things up” or ruin your peaceful evening; it’s NOT because we are nervous and paranoid, and are simply overreacting. It’s because we feel something is off between us, or something is going on inside of you, and we want to make sure that nothing goes undetected that could hurt us or come between us. It’s because we care so much, and don’t want to lose you.

WHAT WOMEN WOULD LIKE MEN TO DO:

We would love it if you expressed your appreciation for how concerned we are about the state of our relationship, and how diligently we try to pinpoint and eliminate tension and problems before they become damaging.

We would love it if you would see our desire to work on the relationship as an expression of our passion for you, rather than a sign that we are obsessed with making everything perfect and that we’ll never be satisfied.

We would love it if you took the initiative to notice where the relationship could improve, and expressed a desire to work on it, rather than waiting for us to always be the one to bring up issues so we look like the “troublemaker.”

How can you apply these suggestions to situations that come up in your relationship? Here’s a chart for men with very specific suggestions for how to keep what you’ve learned in mind and respond to your partner with more compassion and less judgment. Remember: Understanding that a women puts love first means seeing her behavior from this new point of view, rather than simply dismissing it as insecurity or neediness.

HOW MEN CAN RESPOND WHEN THEY REMEMBER THAT WOMEN PUT LOVE FIRST

INCIDENT: Your girlfriend tries to make plans with you for an upcoming weekend.

Old Responses	New Responses
“Why can’t you just be spontaneous?”	“You’re so sweet to want to spend time with me.”
“Why do you always have to plan everything?”	“Thank you for thinking about this in advance. It will be fun.”

INCIDENT: Your wife says she was worried when you didn’t call when you were working very late one night.

Old Responses	New Responses
“Why do you get so worked up over nothing?”	“I’m sorry I didn’t call – I can see how you could have been worried.”
“Calm down – you always make yourself paranoid.”	“It feels good to know you care so much about me.”

INCIDENT: Your girlfriend asks you what’s bothering you because you’ve been very quiet during dinner.

Old Responses	New Responses
“Do I have to always be talkative and romantic around you, or you’ll get upset? You are so needy.”	“You’re right – I am feeling quiet. I had a very stressful day and I guess I just need to not talk much right now.”
“Why do you always have to watch every little thing I do? Can’t I do anything without being scrutinized?”	“Thank you for noticing. I have a lot on my mind tonight concerning work. It has nothing to do with you.”

INCIDENT: Your wife gives you this book and suggests you both read it to help improve your relationship.

Old Responses	New Responses
“Here you go again, saying it’s all my fault. I don’t need you to fix me.”	“You are sweet to always look for ways we can get closer. I am sure I can learn something new.”
“I’m not into that kind of self-help stuff. It’s for women. You read it if you want to.”	“You know I have a hard time with books like this, but if you think it has some valuable information for us, then I will definitely read it, because I do want to be a great husband.” *

Can you see how the old responses are all based on misinterpretations of a woman’s behavior when she is putting love first – assumptions that she must be needy or insecure or trying to control her partner? The new responses, on the other hand, are all based on an understanding of the true intention behind her behavior and are examples of how a man can express his acknowledgment of that loving intention. Guys, please try experimenting with these suggestions, even if it feels awkward at first. I promise you will love the results!