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I believe that, at times, men love the part of a woman that is a “manifester” and “improver,” but they can also fear and mistrust it. There is a force to that expression of a woman’s nature that often makes men uncomfortable, like gazing upon a rushing body of water that can’t be stopped as it moves forward. They know they are witnessing something intense, something powerful, and something that appears, at times, almost relentless in its mission to manifest a particular outcome. And in a way, they are right – for when a woman is in a creative mode, she is tapping into the primordial life force that reverberates deep inside of her Whether she is conscious of this or not, she is, in that moment, a channel for what the Eastern mystics call the shakti, the life-giving principle, the creative power that is responsible for every form of manifestation.

Here’s an important point I want to share with you: The intensity of the creative life force manifesting itself in a woman’s behavior or intention can mistakenly appear aggressive, domineering, and controlling to a man.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

A woman’s tendency to create or improve can be misinterpreted by men as tendency to control.

Men, a woman could be expressing her tendency to manifest or improve by planning a trip for the two of you, redecorating the bedroom, attempting to offer her suggestions for a problem you’ve been having with a coworker, proposing you both go to a therapist to work on your relationship, or asking you what you’d like for dinner – it often doesn’t matter what her specific behavior is – and somehow you end up feeling as if she is trying to control you, to get you to do things her way.

Let me share a story from my past that perfectly illustrates this point:

Many years ago when I was in one of my first serious relationships, my partner and I decided to take a trip to the Caribbean – neither of us had been there before and we agreed that we would treat ourselves and go. I asked him if he wanted to make the arrangements, and he suggested I go ahead and look into it. Our vacation was approaching in only four months, so I thought I’d better get started on the plans right away.

The next day I went to the bookstore and bought several guidebooks for the Caribbean islands. I began researching all of the different places we could stay, called the 800 numbers to order free brochures from various hotels, and got in touch with some friends who’d taken several trips to a number of islands to ask their opinion of the best places to visit. Within days, I had pages of data about every aspect of our upcoming journey.

One evening later that week, I enthusiastically showed my partner all the information I’d discovered, explaining in detail which hotels in our budget seemed best, which islands had the most features suited to our taste, and what airlines offered the most convenient and economical flights. I sat there bursting with excitement as I shared the results of my vacation project, and couldn’t wait to see my mate’s reaction, for I was certain he’d be so pleased with me and the thorough job I’d done.

You can imagine my surprise, therefore, when I finished my presentation and looked at my partner, only to discover that he had a horribly cold look on his face.

“Is something wrong?” I asked him. He didn’t respond; he just kept looking at me with that same uncomfortable stare.

“Didn’t you like the places I showed you?” I probed.

“They were fine,” he finally said in a flat voice, breaking the icy silence.

“But what’s the matter?” I pleaded. “Why do you look like you’re mad at me?”

“It’s just the way you did all of this,” he said in a sharp tone. “Why did you even bother telling me about it? I mean, it looks like you’ve already made up your mind about where you want to go and what you like best. Since it’s your plan, there’s really nothing for me to say.”

My plan? What was he talking about? It was our vacation. All I did was do the research. I couldn’t understand why he was so upset with me.

“But I thought you told me to go ahead and look into this,” I reminded him.

“Yeah, but I didn’t think you’d make it into a full-time job,” he retorted sarcastically. “As usual, you’re taking control and doing things your way.”

Tears began to fill my eyes, and trickle down my cheeks. “I wasn’t trying to take control,” I insisted, my voice trembling with emotion. “I was just trying to plan a wonderful vacation. And now you’ve ruined it!”

I forget how the conversation ended, but I remember exactly how I felt: I was shocked, confused, and very hurt. How could he interpret my trying to create the perfect vacation as controlling? My only intention had been to make him happy, and to get information that would help us make the best decisions. What had gone wrong?

Many years have passed since this incident, but I’ve experienced others like it over and over again, and heard countless stories from women about similar circumstances – she is happily in her creative mode, focused on a plan or project or purpose for herself and her partner, and he reacts with irritation, annoyance, or even anger. She ends up feeling hurt and unappreciated. He ends up feeling controlled and manipulated.

Why do men interpret a woman’s creative focus as an attempt to control them? The answer is complicated, but in part it has to do with a man’s need to feel autonomous, and his habit of rebelling when he feels he is being told what to do. (See Chapter 8 for more on this.) For instance, in the story about my boyfriend and the Caribbean trip, my thorough and passionate presentation of the travel information unconsciously made him feel as though he had no choice, as if I was announcing, “This is what we are doing.” Of course, that was not my intention at all; my theory is that he interpreted the intensity and detail of my communication almost as a command.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

When a woman plans or suggests something for your relationship, she is not trying to control you – she is trying to contribute, to create more love and happiness.

HOW MEN MISINTERPRET THIS:

Men often mistake a woman’s creative enthusiasm for domination, and the intensity of her passion for a direct order.

Remember: In most cases, a woman’s true intention really isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s to share her input and offer her creative contribution, whether by planning a vacation or finding you a new doctor or suggesting she redecorate the living room, or asking that you spend some time together to talk about issues in your relationship.

Don’t mistake the intensity of her creative energy for a dominant attitude. Usually she’s not being aggressive – she’s just being enthusiastic. She’s not being controlling – she’s being caring.

WHAT MEN CAN DO:

1. When you find yourself feeling controlled by the woman in your life, ask yourself:

“What is her true intention in doing this?”

This is a powerful question that can snap you out of the unconscious reflex of concluding that she is controlling you. If you take the time to ask this question, you’ll probably discover the true answer within your own heart:

“She is doing this because she loves me.”

“She wants to manifest something wonderful or make something better, or plan something delightful, but her intention is not to control me.”

Note: I’m not saying there aren’t angry, controlling women out there. But I’ve found that much of the time when a man who’s in a pretty good relationship feels controlled, he’s misinterpreting his woman’s behavior in the ways you’ve been reading about.

2. Practice recognizing the things she does as expressions of her creative nature, rather than reacting to them in the old critical way.

Instead of seeing her as:	See her as:
Controlling	Caring
Aggressive	Passionate
Commanding	Enthusiastic
Relentless	Dedicated
Intrusive	Loyal
Interfering	Helpful
Pushy	Proactive