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Improving is the second way a woman’s creative nature expresses itself. What’s the difference between manifesting and improving? Manifesting is creating from scratch: birthing something out of nothing. Improving, on the other hand, is taking something that already exists and making it better. It is rebirthing.

The urge to improve is so much a part of most women’s character that we’re not even aware of its almost omnipresent existence in our speech, behavior, and attitude toward others. We accept it in ourselves, just as we accept it in other women. It is just the way we are.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

Women see the potential in everything, and we want to help that potential grow. That is why we like to improve things.

The desire to improve what is within us and around us is really the act of seeing the potential in things, the possibility hidden beneath the surface, and doing what we can to help that potential manifest. Women seem to possess this kind of vision that sees the flower waiting to erupt from the seed, and also the tendency to nurture that seed until it blossoms. Perhaps this vision of potentiality is so strong in us because we are genetically designed to be mothers, to nurture what is small so that it can grow. We exercise this part of ourselves in big and small ways every day:

A coworker in your office shows you the new scarf her boyfriend just bought her. “Isn’t this lovely?” she says. “Tom gave it to me.”

“It’s gorgeous,” you reply. “What a great color for you.” Then, without even thinking, you add, “Here, let me just pull this part a bit tighter and tuck in these ends. Now it looks perfect. What do you think?”

Your friend looks in the mirror, and replies, “You’re right – it does look better. Thanks!” It was totally natural for you to want to improve upon the way she had tied the scarf. You saw a way it could be better. And she intuitively understood this, and welcomed your input.

Your sister invites you over to see her new couch and love seat. “What do you think?” she asks as you enter the living room. You stand back and assess the room, noticing how the furniture looks where it is, and then visualizing how it might look if it were rearranged.

“Have you thought about trying to switch the two pieces?” you suggest. “That way, you’ll have more space between the couch and the bookshelf.”

Your sister doesn’t hesitate for a moment. “Let’s try it and see how it looks,” she replies. The two of you slide the furniture around until it is arranged in a different configuration.

“What do you think?” you ask her, trying to catch your breath.

“You know, I like it better!” she says enthusiastically. “It isn’t so cluttered. I knew I needed your opinion. I’d lost perspective since I live here all the time.”

When you looked at your sister’s living room, your eye naturally noticed a way the furniture could look better. You didn’t try to scrutinize it – you just spontaneously saw how it could be improved.

You and a close friend who owns her own business are having lunch, and for the third time that week she’s complaining about one of her employees who’s not managing his department well. “I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your friend says, shaking her head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”

“Have you talked to him?” you ask.

“I’ve tried,” your friend replies with frustration, “but I just don’t seem to be getting through to him, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”

You ask your friend to replay her conversations with Louis for you, and as you listen, you get a sense of what the problem might be.

“You know, it sounds to me like you’ve been telling Louis what you’re unhappy with, but perhaps not asking enough questions about what’s going on with him. I mean, maybe he’s getting a divorce; maybe he has some family problem, or health concern that you don’t know about. What if you asked him what he thinks the problem might be?”

“That’s something I hadn’t thought of,” your friend admits. “I guess I was just hoping the problem would go away after my first warning to him, but obviously it hasn’t. Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to talk to him as soon as I get back to the office.”

As you heard your friend lament over her office problem, your mind instantly began searching for a solution. You weren’t trying to tell her what to do – you simply saw a way she might handle things differently and you wanted to help.

Ladies, I’ll bet most of you can relate to all three of these examples. They illustrate how this tendency to improve is such an integral part of our consciousness. Notice that in the three stories, each of the women were grateful for the input they received. Why? Other women understand and accept this quality, the desire to improve, for it is who they are as well.

Now for a contrast, imagine the first two scenarios enacted by two men instead of two women:

The new item of clothing: First of all, a guy wouldn’t show off the new tie his girlfriend bought him to his male coworker. Second, the coworker wouldn’t comment that the tie needed to be straightened, let alone just reach out and do it. And third, if he did, the guy with the tie would feel like his boundaries had been violated, not to mention probably make assumptions, correct or not, about his coworker’s sexual preference.

The furniture: A man wouldn’t ask the opinion of his friend or relative about how his furniture was arranged, let alone care that much one way or the other himself. If he was asked, the brother would probably just look at the couch and love seat and say, “Nice,” and that would be that. Finally, if he did offer to rearrange things just to see how they looked, his brother who owned the house would probably say, “I don’t want to deal with it right now. Let’s go watch the game on TV.”

What’s my point? It’s that men don’t have this nonstop creative urge to improve things. Not only that, they actually interpret offers of help or advice as unnecessary, unwelcome, and intrusive.

Take the last story, for instance, and this time, imagine that instead of two friends having lunch, it’s a husband with the employee problem having a meal with his wife. Let’s replay the conversation as it would probably unfold:

“I just don’t know what to do with Louis,” your husband says, shaking his head. “He’s a dedicated guy, but lately, he’s gotten so sloppy. It’s starting to affect the morale in his division.”

“Have you talked to him?” you ask.

“I’ve tried,” your husband replies with frustration. “But I just don’t seem to be making any headway, because I’ve seen no visible improvement.”

“Why don’t you tell me about your conversations with Louis, and maybe I can help figure out a better way to get through to him,” you suggest.

“It’s no big deal. I’ll figure something out,” your husband answers.

“But I have some ideas about what might be happening,” you explain, “and I really think we could come up with a solution if we discussed it. After all, honey, it’s been bothering you all week.”

“Look, I can handle it myself, okay? I don’t want to get into a big discussion about it right now,” he says in a tense voice. “I’m sorry you don’t approve of the way I’m dealing with it. Let’s just change the subject.” Ouch. This conversation certainly had a different ending than the one between the two girlfriends. What happened? The woman’s husband misinterpreted her desire to help him improve a situation he was dealing with as criticism and control, rather than seeing it as an expression of her love and concern for him.

WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW:

When a woman wants to improve something, whether in her environment or her relationship, it isn’t because she disapproves of it – it’s because she sees the potential for making it better.

Women are natural fixers, natural healers, natural helpers. We are always on the lookout for whatever or whoever needs assistance. If we hear just a little change of tone in our baby’s cry while she’s in her crib, we quickly go in to check and make sure she’s all right. If we see a woman in a store struggling to zip up the back of her dress, we volunteer to help. If we know a friend is going through a difficult time, we call just to see if she needs anything. If we sense our lover is having a rough day, we ask him what’s wrong, and if there’s anything we can do.

Again, perhaps it is because we are genetically designed to be mothers that we have such an elaborate system of built-in radar that detects need in others. Over and over again in my interviews with women for this book, they asked me to explain this to men: When a woman is trying to help or improve something in her relationship with you, she isn’t doing it out of a desire to criticize or make you feel wrong – she’s doing it out of love, and with a vision of the potential for something even greater to blossom between you.