Читать книгу Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence - Inna Zakharova - Страница 7

Why is one kind of values important and other kinds are not so significant? Why do different people have different values?

Someone, for example, is ready to shout aloud, give up relations, leave work, remain without means of living in order to prove justice. This behavior will indicate that for a person at the moment the most important is the need for respect.

Another person will remain silent in the same situation, tolerate the fact that nobody listens to his opinion, it will be more important for him that he knows where he will be tomorrow, what he will eat and that somebody will take care of him if such a need arises. This is about the need for security.

And the third case, when the need for love is leading: “My God, it doesn’t matter if I have any justice or work, I can give up it at any time, if my love requires me to go to the world’s end, the main thing is that we are together, together we can cope with anything.”

These examples are a bit exaggerated to demonstrate the difference in the attitude towards life according to the basic psychological needs.

How do leading needs form? Where do they originate?

First of all, each person has all three psychological needs. As an analogy we can draw your attention to the body needs, which are more obvious and understandable. We have a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to breathe, all of them are vital. It’s impossible to decide what’s best for you – sleeping or eating, breathing or drinking. It is all necessary for survival. But! Having a certain level of satisfaction, when you cope with the satisfaction of all these needs, you will give preference to one of them. You can bother more about what you eat than whether your sleep is full, and the other person will not pay so much attention to food (it doesn’t matter if he eats or not), but will take care of his healthy dream: “If I sleep well, I won’t care whether I eat or not, I’ll have a good mood, I’ll feel good.”

Psychological needs work in the same way. One person may be indifferent what others think of him, what kind of relationships he has with his colleagues, what he is wearing. A coffee stain on trousers, a dingy yesterday shirt for someone can be nonsense, and someone can bother so much about his look that he will not leave the house in this form. These are our inner preferences.

As a rule, a hierarchy among needs arises genetically, i.e. there is a certain predisposition as a result of events that took place before our birth. It is usually said about children: “He looks like his grandmother / grandfather / mother / father”, i.e. there is a certain similarity of characters with a member of the family system, there is a certain transmission of information through genes. This genetic predisposition to a certain temperament, and therefore to certain needs, comes from birth.

And then the period of childhood and education that parents give us comes into force. We are brought up at the level of beliefs, thoughts that our parents offer us every day, talking about this, declaring some values, ideas, meanings. And it is inserted into us very clearly, as if it doesn’t exist in other way.

For example, parents broadcast to the child that it is not necessary to make a bed every day, but when guests come to the house, the bed needs to be made up. It means it’s not important whether you make the bed or not it’s important what people say. This belief is quite safe in the context of the bed, but it is insensibly woven into other contexts of life. No matter what you think and feel, the main thing is how it looks in the eyes of others. And then a person in an effort to receive acceptance and approval may contradict his desires and principles.

If a child was born with a leading need for love, he will pay a lot of attention to relationships with other people, be interested in creative work, will strive to decorate the space where he lives, he will pay attention to his appearance. But if the parent has a leading need for security, he sees danger everywhere and every day he says to the child: “Caution! You may hit here. Do not go there, there may be a deep puddle. Around the corner you are waiting for an evil man. A monster will come for you. Trust no man”, and with the passing of time, having a leading need for love, the need for security becomes the next in the hierarchy. And the values from the security group will also become important, because the person was taught this way, these values were inserted into him. The experience gained in childhood is personal, this experience had already existed in your life before your birth.

For at least 12 years, our psychological needs and their satisfaction lie entirely in the responsibility of the parents.

To grow their children, it is important to create a safe space, an atmosphere of acceptance and opportunities for achievement.

• Safe space is a feeling that there are enough resources to cope with any situation that may arise (there is always something to eat, there is where to sleep, the doors in the house are closed). The internal routine in the family also creates a sense of security: we go to bed at a certain time, we have dinner at a certain time, etc. If you don’t have enough money, resources for safety, if your parent is constantly under pressure and anxious, thinks where to get money to buy food, shoes, textbooks, then, of course, this situations affects a child’s life (and there are also situations in which parents do not care about these things, i.e. the child is left alone with these problems). In this case, the need for security becomes very urgent for him, and an adult child will think about it all his life, even when he has all the resources to compensate for his childhood experience.

• Love, acceptance – it is a feeling that you are exactly the very person as your parent imagined in the most beautiful dreams. Any free time is given to me and a parent’s face has a slight smile and a gentle, friendly, interested look. A sense of unity, communication through joint activities, praise, a sense of self-worth and exclusivity in the life of the parent. If the child is not paid attention, shoved by one, the other nanny, then the need for love and acceptance is not satisfied, the child does not receive communication with the parents.

• To satisfy a child’s need for respect, parents must create a space in which he understands that he is doing something what he is able to do. It is worth giving small tasks for a child to help him to demonstrate his independence, improve and cultivate self-esteem. Children of 2—3 years old are trying to get the pots off the table, stir something on their own, sweep, carry. Boys of 7—9 years old want to hammer a nail, saw off something on their own. Girls of 7—9 years old want to cook, sew, clean. If parents create such a space for the child, he gets the experience “I can. I manage to do it by myself. I am independent” – this directly refers to respect. Often adults ask the child what he wants to do, where he wants to go, offer a choice of purchases, etc. If at the same time the adult does not listen to his opinion, this attitude shows disrespect. Therefore, if you are ready to give responsibility to the child for something, so that he feels more mature, more meaningful, so do as he said, as he chose. After all, it often happens that the choice of a child does not coincide with those criteria that the adult determined himself, as a result it turns out that his opinion is not important. Children, through their desire to be adults, may begin to demand something, to discuss, but this, ultimately, will not be useful for them. Up to 12 years old, important, big decisions should not be given to children, it is better to act as wizards and create space for them in a magical way, without involving them in all kinds of household activities (for example, buying furniture, choosing a school, choosing a place for spending vacations). A very cool space to content the need for respect is sports, dancing, creativity. These are areas where there are results and they are obvious. All sports clubs organize competitions where the child gets the obvious results – whether he was able or not, whether he succeeded or not. Thus, a child can give himself feedback in an adult way, because respect is always associated with a certain completed action. The competition system is loyal to children, almost always all participants receive medals or certificates. By the way, certificates on the wall or a place of honor at home with awards – this is what gradually creates a base of respect. At the end of stage performances, there are always recordings; after the concert, the child feels the process is complete and at home he can review how it was.

In conclusion we summarize the forming conditions of a leading psychological need:

1. Genetic predisposition.

2. Education and the process of growing up.

We are born with a certain type of personality, i.e. with some predispositions, and we acquire the level of personality development as we get older. When parents educate us in some way, a certain level of development is formed. The level of personality development depends on the process of growing up. We go into adulthood, each of us do it at different time, someone at 18, someone at 20, 25, or 40 – this is an individual process. We come out the parent system as a formed personality, and further we can develop ourselves independently. The further contentment of our needs is only our responsibility. Dad and mom did everything they could. It is worth accepting that they did everything right as much as they could do. In order to be happy, you need to be able to value your life on the conditions under which we got it and with the conditions of growing up that we were.