Читать книгу Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence - Inna Zakharova - Страница 8

Many people unconsciously actually devote their whole lives to satisfying their leading psychological need. Someone is throwing all his strength into creating external conditions that allow them to feel safe. For others, the meaning of life is the search for another person and love. Someone’s life is dedicated to seeking outward recognition and respect. But such a path, such a meaning of life is almost always pure Utopia. It is impossible to become happy by satisfying only your leading need. As the need is leading, we have a conviction in our subconscious that this is the most important thing in life, we make all efforts to get this satisfaction, and whatever you do, you have the feeling that it is not enough. The paradoxical way out is the satisfaction of another, not leading psychological need, this is a necessary condition for personal growth.

How does it work?

• If a person has the leading need for security, there is an illusive idea that a happy life will begin only when he organizes a stable life full of material resources, when he is supported by trusty partners, when he collects all the necessary information, when he double-checks everything. And only then he will become calm and a happy life will begin.

However, a person can fully satisfy the need for security only when he refuses it for some time and takes bold steps towards his goals (for this they need to be known and set). Having achieved these goals, first of all he will satisfy the need for respect. Step by step, cultivating your self-respect, at one moment you realize that you are big, you have a lot of internal resources, you can cope with everything, you become an authority for yourself, and suddenly that same security comes to you that you needed so much. And then you begin to build relationships with loved ones in an adult way, stop being afraid to fall into some kind of dependence, you find a safe connection in these relationships, you want and are ready to take responsibility and bear it. At the same time, you decide what you will be responsible for and easily give up responsibility that you do not want to bear, without fear of losing the support of authority.

A sense of security arises inside, a longing for it outside leaves. If you have ever met people who are filled with inner strength and tranquility, you probably noticed that you want to create relationships with them and go towards the common goals because “They will do to take along!” (such people are very reliable)

• If a person has the leading need for love, there is a deceptive idea that you can find a person for whom you will be exceptional, who will endlessly look at you and will devote all his free time only to you.

This is also a kind of Utopia, it is impossible to achieve such relationships, they can only be reached by rejecting them, which is paradoxical. Often the way out of such a utopian thinking lies in satisfying the need for security. When you can say to yourself: “You are like others. So, you have enough power inside to cope with everything, like other people”, you turn your attention to other aspects of life. When you redistribute your attention and organize your life in such a way that you can cope with it by yourself (at least at the level of simple survival: to have a job that will provide your minimum needs, take care of your health, be able to relax, constantly learn to go up with the times), then a person appears in your space who doesn’t have a desire to get love from him, and he begins to want to be near you in this safe space.

Love arises within, the longing desire to receive it from the outside leaves. In this case, a strong developing connection arises in the relationship, because energy is redistributed. Otherwise, if all energy is directed only to one sphere of life, it turns out to be too much a burden for another person and literally strangles him, limits his freedom. If you have ever met creative people who learn to look at life in a realistic and pragmatic way, who can organize their own comfort, you probably noticed that you just want to be with them, live and build your life with them.

• With a leading need for respect, a person unconsciously believes that if others respect him, then I myself can respect. A person who is striving to meet the need for respect spends his time and energy maximally to prove to the whole world: “I am big. I am significant. Listen to me. Here are just my rules.”

But no matter how much he does, he does not come to the conclusion that he is truly an authority for everyone around him. There will always be some person who can devalue your influence, your achievements, and this will always be perceived painfully. Here the solution lies through shifting one’s attention to satisfying the need for love. First of all, love for yourself, perhaps for that part of yourself that you consider small and fragile. Building close relationships redistributes excessive energy directed towards respect and achievement. When you really know how to respect yourself from within, to respect your weakness and your strength, relaxation appears, this is a completely different level of life quality. Respect arises within, a longing desire to get it outside leaves. If you have ever met people who are worthy of respect and respect themselves, as a rule, they do not seek to prove anything to anyone, they are calm and very sincere. A strong person who respects himself has the courage to be sincere even in front of a wide audience. Sincerity is a value that satisfies the need for love, and it is through love we come to a sufficient level of respect.

When you excessively want to be very strong, this can only mean one thing – you want to hide your weakness, because a strong person does not reflect on how strong he is. A brave man does not say that he is not afraid of anything, he simply does not think about it. A person who loves himself does not bother with how he looks in the eyes of others.