Читать книгу Turn it Up! - Kelly DuPée - Страница 11

Asking the connection question is how you monitor its quality. When someone gets hurt and the ambulance arrives, they check the patient’s vital signs. In the same way, couples who want to stay married look at and talk about the quality of their connection. Whether they verbalize it or not, they regularly ask, “How’s our connection?” If they do not feel it is as strong as it could be, they turn it up.

There are several reasons why couples do not ask the connection question and, thus, do not monitor the quality of their connection. The first is ignorance. We do not know that we need to. We think that, once we have a connection with someone, it stays good until something bad happens that damages it. If you think of being connected as an off and on toggle switch, there is no reason to be concerned about it. Once it’s on, it’s on; and there is nothing you have to do unless something happens to turn it off. But as I said earlier, it’s more like a dimmer switch that can be turned either up or down.

Another reason we do not ask the connection question with our spouse is overconfidence. This is the “if it isn’t broke, do not fix it” mentality. Unless there is a problem, many people do not think they need to do anything about their marriage or relationship. It is only when something goes wrong that they notice that they are not as close as they used to be. We need to realize that marriages or relationships and connections tend to degrade over time, unless you turn it up.

The result of ignorance or overconfidence is a false sense of security. I am not suggesting that we all become paranoid and insecure about our relationships. I do not want you to be constantly asking yourself if your marriage is ok. What I am proposing is that you do not take your relationship or marriage for granted. When you do this, you assume that it will always be the same as it is now and that there is nothing that needs to be done to improve or maintain it. You also tend to value it less. Unfortunately, people in many marriages take it for granted and then, when a challenge hits, their marriage collapses and its weakness is revealed for all to see.

Asking the connection question is living in reality. We may think we have a stronger connection than we actually do. When you take the time to look at the strength of your connection, you are stepping out of the realms of denial and fantasy into the realm of reality. If you have a great connection, rejoice! If it needs work, do not be discouraged and do something to turn it up. Nothing will happen until you embrace the reality of your connection and honestly look at the quality of it.

There are several ways to ask the connection question. Here are some suggestions of other questions that you and your spouse can use as a starting point for conversations.

1 How are we doing as a couple?

2 Is there anything you want to see different or changed in our relationship?

3 What do you like about our marriage?

4 Is there something you would like to see more of in our marriage?

5 Is there something that you would like to see less of or stop that’s occurring in our marriage?2

6 What adjustments can we make to improve our marriage?

7 Is there anything you would like to talk to me about?

8 Are you satisfied with the quality of our connection?

9 What ideas do you have about strengthening our marriage?

You do not need to cover all the questions in one sitting, but you can imagine how your relationship will improve by just taking a few minutes regularly to talk about the quality of it. Items can be brought up by either of you, little problems can be resolved before they become big ones and you can take proactive steps to strengthen your connection.